It was summer, I was a cashier at Walmart.
A kid, I would say about 14 or 15, saunters up to my register at about 10:00 PM. He wants to buy pop-rocks. I scan them and ask him if he wants anything else. He, in all seriousness, asks for a pack of Newport cigarettes. He tries to be all sly about it.
I didn't answer him, I just looked at him with an apprehensive smile, waiting for him to start laughing. I honestly thought he was kidding.
"I have to be eighteen to buy them... Don't I."
"Awww, come on. No one's watching you. Just slip them to me, and I'll be on my way."
"Hey man, do you see all those little black half circles on the ceiling? Those are cameras. Someone's always monitoring them. I can't sell you cigarettes."
"Are you sure I have to be eighteen?"
"Pay for your pop-rocks, man."
He paid, and walked out. He actually came back, fifteen or so minutes later.
He walked up to me and said:
"You're supposed to ask me for ID. Why did you just assume I'm younger than eighteen?"
I reached for a pack of Newports.
"May I see some ID please?"
He shows me his LEARNER'S PERMIT.
"You have to be kidding me. Get out of here, kid."
He laughed sarcastically and left.
EBGames story from my old manager:
Kid comes in trading in Luigi's Mansion and Super Mario Sunshine and some other crapper for a grand total of $7.00 in store credit.
Kid - Can I get this game? - No, that game is 20 dollars. You have 7. Kid - Can I get THIS game? - No, that one is 25 dollars. You have 7.
Angry Kid Dad enters...
- BOY, WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG?
- Sir, he is trying to trade his games but he only has 7 dollars.
- 7 dollars?! I paid 50 for each of these two years ago.
- Yes sir, but if you buy a new car and bring it back two years later you don't get the full price do you?
- Oh, I get it, so now I'm the idiot huh?
- No sir, I'm just trying to illustrate my point.
- HAH! Now you the idiot cuz you ain't draw anything, you ain't illustrate nothing.
- You're absolutely right sir, I didn't draw anything
On our second Wii shipment, the coworker in question bought his and couldn't wait for his shift to be over to try it out. During his break, seeing how there was no customers at the time, he decided he would hook it up to our demo stations and try it out. He brought the Television remote with him to change the input and set things up.
Once he was done setting it up, he took his wii remote and went to fetch something behind the counter. He had left the TV remote near the wii.
This 16 year old boy was in the store and walked next over to the Wii, being curious (as we all were at launch).
My coworker swiftly headed torwards our demo stations to tell the kid to not mess with the Wii, and he found the boy holding the television remote, staring at it with his mouth opened turning it. He was completely hypnotized by it... He really thought it was the Wii remote.
My friend couldn't stop laughing.
I used to work car rental and got some real jerks. We were at a VERY small airport (ie 2 flights a day). Annoying frequent renter gets LIMTED mileage contract for two days. She shows up 6 hours late, putting her into a third day. I was feeling generous and only charged her two days since she had gone over her free included miles.
Me: Okay ma'am it'll be $x.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: Why so much?
Me: Well you went over your mileage by x00 miles.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: I wanted unlmiited miles!
Me: Well you got a limited mile rate and contract, your signature is right here.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: Well I didn't know that's what it was.
Me: I rented this car to you two days ago. I expressly remember explaining it to you and here's your initials next to the mileage part saying you understood it.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: Can't you cut me a deal here?
Me: I already did, I didn't charge you for the third day you're on.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: What?!!
Me: It was due back at 9am, it's now 3pm, well over the hour grace period. I can change you to an unlimited rate if you want to pay the difference, but I'll have to charge you the third day and it will come to be more than if you'd just pay the miles.
Cheap French-Accented Whore: Fine, but I'm not renting here ever again!
Why do they say that? Am I supposed to beg that they return to want everything for free?
I absolutely hate the position of the Tech Bench at Circuit City. I pretty much shouldn't even give an ETA on a customer's computer. I get people who tap on my back asking me for help.
I swear to God if I get tapped on my shoulder again while I'm submerged inside a desktop, I'm going to choke him or her with an ethernet cable.
Customer: Can you find a CD for me in the music section?
Me: Sorry dude but I don't work in that section.
Customer: How come there is no one in that section?
Me: I don't know sir, but I can page someone over there for you if you want.
Customer: No thanks, I'm just going to go spend my money at Best Buy.
Me: Sure thing, the nearest Best Buy is 40 miles North of here. Would you like directions?
*Customer grunts and walks away*
I was the dumbass customer today.
I was paying the bill via phone with my credit card, and sat down at the couch. Suddenly, my digital cable box says: "YOU ARE NOT SUBSCRIBED TO THIS CHANNEL!", switching from Spongebob Squarepants!
So I punch through to customer service.
"How may I help you today, now that I've verified your information?"
"Yeah, I was paying my bill, when my cable cut out."
"Let me check you box... OK, it looks fine. Payment recieved, nope, looks like your box is still on."
"That's weird, I sat down while punching in the numbers, and my cable cut out."
"Sir, can you stand up and turn around for me?"
"Ummmm, OK. I don't see why..... aw shit."
"Yes, ma'am." <---tiny voice
"Check channel 13."
"Is there anything else, sir?"
"No, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am."
(Cue wife laughing her ass, cue customer service agent just losing it as I go to hang up)
Yeah, talk about retarded...
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.