"Does green tea have caffeine in it?"
"Are you sure?"
"I don't think so. It's an herb, right? And herbal teas don't have caffeine, so I think you're wrong."
For whatever reason, in the last couple of months I've been getting a bunch of people that ask me "which ones are good right now?" on lottery scratch tickets. If I knew which ones were good don't you think I would've already bought them? Yes sir, here's your winning ticket.
The pizza place I work at, unfortunately, happens to be a few doors down from a bar. So we get some creeps occasionally. Luckily, my old supervisor (who got transferred a year ago ) knew how to deal with them.
(supervisor): Alright, that's a large pepperoni and some cheesy bread; anything else for you tonight?
(creepy drunk guy): Yeah, could I get one of you ladies' numbers?
(At this point, I'm going because this guy was in his 40's, and my coworkers and I were all 17 or younger.)
: *not even missing a beat* Oh, I don't have a phone.
: Oh ok, what about your email?
: I don't have the Internet.
: Whuuuuuut? You don't have the Internet or a phone?
: No sir, I'm actually homeless.
: Man that sucks
He paid for his pizzas and left, and we started laughing our asses off.
Tech support job, data protection act means the customer has to confirm their identity.
Customer starts ranting as soon as the hold music stops, he seriously shouted every sentence.
I NEED MY USERNAME!!
OK that's no problem sir. Could you tell me your address, and customer verification password please?
WHAT NO I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS I JUST WANT MY USERNAME
(His account's up anyway) Sorry sir I do need you to tell me your verification password to confirm your identity as the account holder.
WELL I DON'T KNOW IT, ITS PROBABLY SOMETHING I'VE NEVER HEARD OF. I'VE NEVER GIVEN ONE IN! WHAT IS MY USERNAME (Note: his pass was his first name which he definitely specified)
OK sir no problem, we can simply bring up your billing details and you -
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SEE MY BILLS! WHAT IS MY USERNAME!
Sir I cannot give out information about your account unless you are the account holder, could you simply tell me your method of payment, date of last bill and account number?
NO I'M THE ACCOUNT HOLDER ARE YOU SAYING I'M A LIAR?!
No it's simply a legal check sir, I am personally liable if I give you this username and there is a complaint about it.
WELL I AM COMPLAINING I DON'T KNOW MY BILLING DETAILS GIVE ME MY USERNAME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE ABOUT ME ON THE SYSTEM!
Sir I cannot divulge any account information without you confirming your identity, you do have a security password as I can see it and I have the date logged when you specified it, otherwise all you need to do is just tell me your billing information and I can give you your username.
NO WHY WOULD I KNOW ANY OF THIS!
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME MY USERNAME OR NOT!
Sorry sir I'm not able to do that, if you want I can call you back in an hour if you have the information at hand — (this was a very nice gesture I believe)
NO YOU'RE MESSING ME ABOUT I WANT TO CANCEL MY ACCOUNT
Sir all I need is —
NO PUT ME THROUGH TO WHOEVER WILL DISCONNECT ME
So, I put him through to disconnections.
The best part is, you need to prove you're the account holder in order to cancel the account!
I used to work at Circuit City out of college as a part time job around 2000-2002. I really enjoyed the job because I was little older then everyone else and the mgmt basically let me schedule my own hours. Well when we used to get new employees I was sent out to torture them. All the new high school aged employees were to start out in the music section sorting CD’s and helping customers find what they needed.
I would take off my CC polo (had a white t-shirt on underneath) and walk on over to the music section. The person trainer would disappear so it would only be me and the new employee. Meanwhile all the other employees would gather around acting like they were working nearby just to hear my conversation. And it would always go the same.
ME: Uhh excuse me, Do you have happen to have the greatest white rapper of all time in stock.
New Employee: Excuse me.. do you know the artist’s name.
ME: I know the lyrics you want me to rap them for you (keep in mind I am 5ft 8 and Chinese)
New Employee: sure
Me: ICE ICE Baby, stop collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new edition …
New Employee: trying to keep a straight face walks with me to where we keep his CD’s.
Me: I grab a CD which was a Vanilla Ice and MC hammer greatest hit CD in one. Then I start telling the new employee how great these two rappers where and how they shaped the rap industry, singing songs from both artist. Even doing the MC hammer dance in the aisle.
New employee: embarrassed as hell normally agrees with me.. which is when the managers, and other employees jump out from behind the other aisles and start cracking up…
Not exactly a dumb customer thing, but I played the dumb customer and I always found it amusing.
I'm an employee at a bookstore chain.
Customer: I'd like Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Is this the English translation?
Me: ... yes.
I work front desk at a resort. A lady was asking for a recommendation for a cross-country ski trail that would be very challenging. I pointed one out to her (it's about 12 km long and there's about 20 hills) and said "this one has lots of steep hills and sharp turns."
"Are all of the hills going down?"
I work at domino's and a thrift store. I don't get many problems at the thrift store, but a week ago someone called into domino's and complained because their half sausage/half pepperoni pizza was supposed to have sausage on the left, and pepperoni on the right. I told him to turn his pizza around. Stupid, stupid people.
That's all we have for this edition of stupid customers. After reading some of these, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.