If the internet has helped any one group of people, it's people who like to jerk off to weird things, like dogs, or lamps. Thinking about these people, and why they are how they are, is one of the original things of Something Awful. In today's very special Comedy Goldmine, we have an ex-fetish artist tell their side of the story. Note: Due to the potentially embarrassing nature of this topic, the artist's name has been changed. Unfortunately, I have elected to name them "Deepthroat", because to me it is funny. Sorry.
When I was in my early twenties, I went through a period where I was in very bad living conditions. I'm not going to talk very much about that because it's a bummer, but in any case I needed a lot of money and I needed it quickly. I was used to doing standard commissions for people, but a friend tipped me off that I could make more reliable money doing fetish art. And so for the next oh, fiveish years I drew fetish porn to pay my rent. Now, when I say fetish art, I don't mean just some light pin up work. I started out that way, but quickly found that doing niche fetishes paid more- much, much more. Whereas a standard pin up/vanilla porn commission paid me about 75-100$, niche fetish art paid 300-1000$ per commission. Yes, I'm serious. People will pay you a lot of money to help them get a boner. I started out with more standard niche fetishes- feet, bondage, your usual shit everyone knows about. But over time, word got out that as long as I was paid accordingly, I'd draw just about anything. And so the perverts came and my rent got paid.
Here's a list of stories for y'all to choose what you'd like to hear first.
I want a salmon in that lady's vagina
Bimbo the Magical Pony
Put a bee cock on that dragon
Cum golems R Us
Did stuff people asked for mostly fall into "weird but recognizably a fetish", "totally incomprehensible" or "oh, god, how could you look at this on purpose?"
At first, it was mostly just the first one. Mostly just standard stuff like "Hey I have a foot fetish" or "I have a fetish for armpits" or "I want someone to step on my boner". Eventually it started getting into "why does this give you or anyone else a boner" territory, where I just kinda bemusedly drew someone's cum inflation porn while wondering why that was a thing, and I only did a few that I was like "never commission me again and also do not ever contact me again, what the actual fuck".
please tell us about the vagina salmon
You got it!
So around the second year of doing fetish art, I started getting weirder requests. One of them was the person I affectionately call "fish vagina guy". Now, fish vagina guy (FVG for short) was honestly one of the most pleasant people I'd ever worked with. He contacted me through one of my previous clients and asked if I was still taking commissions. I said yes, and he said "I have a really weird fetish and I understand if you don't want to do it" and I asked what it was. His fetish was that he wanted a fish to swim up a lady's fairy cave. I laughed a lot, I'll admit. I then replied that I would 100% love to take this commission. Now, FVG was aware of how weird this was, and paid well for it- he wanted a small comic done of a lady in the middle ages, who goes for a swim/sits in the moat of her castle. As she sits in the moat, she gets a little frisky and starts touching herself. Then, drawn by the... idk, pheromones? A salmon swims up and into her snatch. That was it, that was the comic.
And it was one of the stupidest, funniest thing I have ever drawn. I was in the middle of drawing the salmon trying to swim up into her and one of my roommates walked in, high as a kite. He asked if I was working, I said yes, he asked if he could see, I said yes. He took one look at the panel and started laughing so hard he ended up pissing himself. Anyway, I finish the comic and send it back to FVG- he thanks me for doing this, because he actually had the original problem of a fetish in that he could not get a boner without vagina fish. He left a massive tip too- 200$ on top of the 700$ commission price.
I didn't hear anything from FVG for years after that- until one day he emails me out of the blue and asks if I'd like to do another commission for him. I said yes immediately, even though by this time I'd mostly stopped doing fetish art. He said "my fetish has changed a little". Apparently, instead of needing to see one big fish swim up a lady's hoohah, he now needed a bunch of tiny fish in there instead, all the way up into the uterus. Suffice it to say, I took the commission gleefully. At the end of the comic I had to draw an x-ray panel where the lady of the castle had a fuckton of pretty goldfish all swimmin' around in her uterus, hence the thread title. He paid me 1200$ including a tip for it.
Honestly, if FVG managed to get a hold of me again and asked for another commission, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Funny, not super gross, and the guy was self-aware and polite. Would recommend as a client.
Here's a vote for bee cocks and their delicate appointment to dragons.
Ho man. hooooo man.
So, at the time, I was still doing mostly "tame" fetishes, like anthro/furry, feet, bondage etc. I get this commission from a new client saying he has a specific fursona he wants me to draw pin up style. I say sure, that's fine. Pin ups are easy, right? Well, here's the thing. The dude fucking loves bee cocks. Now, take a second, and google "honeybee penis". I'll wait. Okay, now. That's what he wants. So I say "so your fursona is a bee?" and he says no, don't be stupid- his fursona's a dragoness. I say "ah" while I'm inwardly ing. So he describes his fursona to me: a black dragon with luminous silver stripes, silver goo-hair, antennae and a big fuck-off bee cock that drips honey instead of cum. He was extremely detailed in her measurements, too. It had to be exact, or he wasn't going to commission me. I do the commission, the dude's happy, and all goes well.
But I never really got over beecock dragon. On the plus side, I got really good at drawing slime/honey.
And on that note, when you have time, what's the deal with Cum Golems?
Okay, so y'all know about golems, right? I'm not talking about the ones from Jewish folklore, I'm talking about Dungeons and Dragons style golems. They're basically mindless constructs meant to do work for whomever makes them. They're usually supposed to be stone or mud or whatever. So what happens when someone pops their first boner when reading the Monster Manual? Cum Golems, that's what. I got a surprising amount of commissions for golems made out of cum. Just... mindless fuck machines made out of someone's spunk. Sometimes it was just like, pin ups of the cum golems, but mostly they were using someone else as a depository. This usually coincided with cum inflation/ bulging/bukakke/living condom fetishes.
Also I learned a lot more about penises during the fiveish years drawing porn than I'd ever wanted to. Did you know that pigs can cum for a full 30 minutes? I do.
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.