This happened when I was working in Fairborn with a lazy fuck named Rich. Rich and I were rolling upto this hilljack's rented house at about 8am on Sat morning. I knew that this peice of human excrement would be home at that time because I had talked to his boss earlier that week to find out when he had a day off.
I little backstory on this one, I had been outright harrassing this guy for over a week now. I would call him at work, on his bosses cellphone, and chew him out like he was 8 years old every day. At one point I got so sassy with him when he said he was going to hang up on me I yelled "I AINT DONE WITH YOU YET!" and then chewed him out a bit more. The reason i had so little tolerance for this guy was that we had filled his house up with rented furniture and he hadn't even made a single payment, due to the fact he was a raging booze hound.
So me and Lazy Shit Rich are hanging out at this guys door, banging on it like if we banged hard enough the rapture would happen, knowing this guy is home, and he's not answering the door. So we call the manager, to get some input on how to handle it. His answer? JUST GET IT.
Now at this point in my Rent-to-own carrer my conscience is starting to bother me a tad, not to mention I feel a bit bad about talkin to a grown man like he was a sack of shit. So I pause, ever so breifly, to consider my options when Rich makes his entire life worthwhile in a single moment. He walks over to the side door of this guys house, checks the door, and when he finds it unlocked, pushes it open about halfway.
I freeze, not knowing if Rich is actaully going to B&e this place when I know for a damn fact someone is home. Instead he utters the words that make me love him forever.
"O my God dude, look at this, his door is totally open. Do you think he's been robbed? He might be in there bleeding to death, we better call the cops to make sure he's alright."
O how delightful.
He immediatly pulls out his cellphone and calls 911, telling the operator he fears the guy may be injured in his home and they say they will send out a car.
I immediatly smile and acheive full arousal.
SO they send out a car to check this out and when they get there Rich tells a slightly different story about how he had scheduled a pickup with us and that we fear he may be injured in there, and perhaps had been robbed. All we wanted was him to be safe.... and to finish this "scheduled" pickup. So the cops go in and LO AND BEHOLD they find his drunk ass sleeping one off on the second floor. When he realises that we can either pick up our stuff, or he can explain to the cops why he's trying to steal from us, we have his permission to enter the house and remove our merchandise.
I made it a point to shake the man's hand give him a sly wink before I left. Oddly his brother, who was also late by about a week, paid his account off the same day, quite the coincidence.
Here's a related story for those of you who liked the "It's my bed now" story. When I was in the AF I spent a good chunk of that time in Anchorage, Alaska. Worked nights, and when I would head on over to the large Wal-Mart type store to get some Deli sammiches or whatever there would frequently be kids hanging around the entrance to this store begging for change.
Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that the -20 windchill during the winter months would pretty much take care of any homeless population in the area. For the most part you'd be right, but apparently the really strong and fit homeless people were breeding with the local Inuits to become some sort of super-panhandler, able to withstand the cruel temperature in order to get at my precious spare change.
So I got very quick with these cats when they would start asking for money.
Beggar - "Hey buddy can you...."
OC - "NOPE"
Beggar - "Hey man can you.."
OC - GET A JOB.
Okay so flash forward, I'm right put of the military, and im hanging out in the Forest Fair Mall in Cinci, waiting with my buddy Dev for a couple more of our friends. As we're walking along these almost empty mall corridors shooting the shit, there is a small child, probably 10 or so, about 20 feet in front of us, doing the pee-pee dance. I notice this and immediatly dismiss it, continuing with my discussion with my friend Dev. We walk closer to the kid, and as we are about to pass him he asks,
Kid - "Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?"
Before he gets the B out in bathroom my surly instincts kick in out of nowhere and I growl at him,
"Get away from me."
In a deep sort of growl, the kid is mortified, and runs. However, I don't notice this because without missing a beat I had returned to my previous conversation with my friend. He immediatly starts laughing his ass off, and I have to yell at him to make him tell me why he is laughing BECAUSE I HADN'T REALIZED I HAD SAID ANYTHING.
That kid didn't even see it coming, poor guy. I wanted to look around and apologise, but he was gone.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.