Jeff was with me in Muhlenberg during the stay that landed me in Runnells. He was loud, obnoxious and generally annoying. He was 19, and a complete baby. Every time he had a visit he cried and threw a fit about he wanted to go home. While I understand wanting to leave, I tried on many occasions to explain to him that acting out was not going to get him out of the ward faster, and that it would only prolong his stay.
He, of course, refused to listen, stating that I "had no idea what the fuck I was talking about". From that point on, I simply observed Jeff and laughed at his stupid antics. One day, as his parents were leaving after their visit, Jeff decided to try his first of many escape attempts. He bolted towards the door and refused to let his parents leave without him.
Escape attempts in Muhlenberg call down the thunder on the escapee. The door was locked, and visitors were not allowed off the ward. Jeff then decided to literally dive onto the floor and latch onto his father's leg as the security guards attempted to drag him off to the quiet room. Needless to say, it was a funny ass scene that had patients and visitors alike laughing hysterically.
After I was sent to Muhlenberg, who arrives 3 days later? Jeff. The first thing he did when they took him off the gurney was try to run out the door. The front doors to the wing automatically lock, so Jeff first attempted to push, then pull the doors open, screaming and cursing like a sailor about how he was leaving while the staff came tearing ass from around the desk to help the poor EMTs, who were standing there with a "what the fuck" look on their faces.
Every visiting day, Jeff would throw the same fit as his parents attempted to leave. And every time, he would be sedated and put in the quiet room or his own room. It got to the point where the staff asked his parents to stop visiting.
The best Jeff story I have though, is the time he actually made it through the first set of doors during a new patient's arrival. The payphone was about 10 feet from the doors, so when the EMTs came through with the gurney, Jeff bolted. What Jeff didn't know was that the main front doors also locked automatically. So now, he was trapped in between two sets of doors. Seeing that he was trapped, he freaked. He started trying to kick through the Plexi-glass doors. When he realized that wasn't working, he started bashing his forehead against the doors, screaming and crying “Let me out! I'm going home!” It took about 5 staff to eventually capture this 5’6, 120 lb screaming lunatic.
Jeff continually got worse, and since I was getting better, I could see just how bad he was getting. He paced the wing, wouldn't speak to anyone, and barely slept. The only time I ever saw him in anyway responsive to anything was during his parent's visits, when he would throw his daily fit. I always wondered what happened to Jeff.
‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.
Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.