Rosemary was the Christian fundie from hell. She was a butter-troll, and annoyingly loud and opinionated about everything. She never had a kind word about anyone or anything, so it was natural she was quickly given the nickname Roller Pig by Sherry and myself. Even the staff hated her, although they couldn't flat out say it, it was fairly obvious.
For some reason, she felt she needed to take control of the TV in the day room every morning to watch church. If she had simply watched it and kept her always open pie hole shut, perhaps it could have been a tad more tolerable. But oh no, not Roller Pig. She had to repeat every sentence word for word and sing every song...terribly off key. Still, if she wasn't such a vile bitch to everyone, this too could have been ignored.
Roller Pig had the horrible habit of sticking her snout into everything, from patient arguments to ratting patients out to their visiting family members. My parents, while less than thrilled with some of my antics in there, hated her. "Mike was acting out today and got in trouble" she said to my mother, as soon as she entered the wing for a visit. "Ok, who are you? A patient? Go away. I'll talk to the staff in regards to my son, not you" was her reply after about the 5th time of being told all about me.
After a few arguments with Sherry and me, she dubbed us "the devil children" and told the staff that we were "performing satanic rituals in my room" She also told them that we were going into her room and putting voodoo curses on her. The staff has to check out every complaint, so we were separated and asked what was going on. A look of “what the fuck" came across my face as they explained to me what was said. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me" was all I could say. " I know, I know" Friday replied. I don't know his real name, because he's from West Africa and apparently it's hard to pronounce, so he took the nickname Friday. I didn't bother to get into why with him, because I'm sure it's a rather weird story, and I really didn't care much at the time. Though now I kinda wish I knew.
Anyway, after our little Q&A sessions, me and Sherry went into the dayroom and stood by the phone while we plotted. The first thing out of her mouth was " I'm going to fuck this cunt up" While I wanted to agree with her, I knew it would just get her in trouble, so I told her to let me come up with something else. Needless to say, she was less than thrilled with that idea, but promised she wouldn't hit her. If I had known what she was really up to, I probably would have agreed that just punching her and getting it over with was a better idea.
The next day in group, Sherry made sure to say something that would trip the angry fundie alarm in Rosemary's head. It was something like “So, I was talking to Satan last night, and he told me not to worry about Roller Pig, because he'd take care of her for me".
Rosemary flipped shit and started screaming at her. "You and the other one, you're devil children and you'll both burn in Hell!" I immediately started cracking up because she had to bring me into it right from the jump. Sherry followed, because she knew it was pissing Roller Pig off that I was laughing at her. "How DARE you laugh at me?" she screamed.” I’m a child of Jesus and I'm going to heaven while you two, the slut and the bastard child of Satan will burn for all eternity!"
This is where the story gets uglier than Roller Pig herself. "SLUT?" Sherry screamed, "Who the fuck are you to call me a slut, you fucking Roller cunt" The MHA running the group tried to defuse the situation by kicking Sherry and myself out, but it was too late to stop what would happen next. Sherry walked past Roller Pig and tipped the fucking wheelchair over. I was in a total state of shock. I didn't know whether to laugh or point and laugh. Laughing won.
Now, if Rosemary was truly handicapped, it would have been a fucked up thing to do. But she wasn't. She was just a fatty who didn't like walking. The MHA in the room called for help and Sherry was taken down. Hard. I couldn't believe how rough they were with a 5'2 girl. They weren't even that rough on me when I escaped. Sherry spent most of the night tranq'd and in the quiet room, but she put up one hell of a fight before they got her in there.
The next day was a visiting day, and like clockwork, Rosemary rolled herself right over to my parents and told them “Mike made Sherry tip my wheelchair over!" My mother was beyond pissed and we spent most of the visit fighting about it, until Sherry walked over and said “No, he didn't. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I'd do it again if I get the chance"
My mother ended up yelling at Roller Pig for lying about something like that to her. After that, anytime she saw my parents, she rolled the fuck away. Sherry was also pretty pissed about it, and she once again began to plot on Rosemary. "I'm going to get that fat fuck for causing trouble with your parents" she said. After the wheelchair tipping, I didn't think she could do much worse, plus I was pretty pissed about it too, so I asked her what she had in mind. "I was thinking I'd take all her stuff out of her room when she isn't looking and dump it in a few different showers around the wing and turn them on" she replied. Now, once again, I know this wasn't exactly right, but at the time I really didn't give a fuck. “Sounds like a plan to me" I answered.
The next morning, while Roller Pig was watching church, Sherry started her mission. She emptied all the drawers in RP's room and started dumping the contents in her shower. Unfortunately, she decided she would make sure Roller Pig knew who did it.
I heard her screaming and looked over to see her running down the hall with the biggest pair of underwear I've ever seen. “Look, I found a hot air balloon in Roller Pig's room" she yelled out.
Rosemary was horrified and started rolling towards her. Sherry ran behind her, and put those huge ass drawers over RP's head, just before the MHA's managed to grab a hold of her and yet again tranq her and toss her in the quiet room.
There are very few things in my life I've seen that were funnier than that morning.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.