Ross was easily the worst roommate I ever had. He was loud, hyper and just downright annoying as hell. He decided that I would be his new best friend, even though it was painfully clear I couldn't stand him. Everywhere I went on the wing, Ross would follow me. If I got up and moved, Ross would be about 3 steps behind me. He was like a bloodhound, no matter where I was, he'd find me. Soon my hatred for Ross knew no bounds.
Ross was also the biggest wigger I've ever seen in my life. Think of that piece of shit movie Malibu's Most Wanted. He was that guy. He also had the rather unfortunate habit of calling everyone "nigga". The staff, patients, even the servers upstairs in the dining hall. Since many of the staff was black, this was not taken kindly.
Ross's biggest fuck up, however, came in the form of a new patient named Janet. Janet was a big, violent woman from Plainfield. Straight up ghetto bitch, in every sense of the word. She really didn't give a fuck about anything.
Her second day on the wing, Ross went up to her and said "What up my nigga". Janet went through the fucking roof. "What the fuck?" she screamed. "Who the fuck are you calling a nigger?” "Nah nah nah" Ross said. I said "what up my niggA" "I ain't no one's nigger" Janet yelled. At this point, she'd apparently had enough of this kid, and hauled back and punched him right in the mouth. Ross hit the ground and started crying like a bitch. 3 MHA's came running from around the desk and dragged Ross back through the magnetic double doors and into our room. Janet was basically trapped in the day rooms.
Being that I was sick of Ross and all his shit, from his stupid attitude to his crybaby tantrums to the fact that he kept me awake most of the night rambling, I decided this was a good time to get a little passive-aggressive revenge.
"Hey Janet" I said. "What the fuck you want?" was her reply. "Listen, this wong is circular. If you go back through the other day room, you can get behind those magnetic doors and put some more work in on Ross. Hell, I'll even run interference so they don't see you going around the other way" I told her. "Just wait till they turn their attention to me, then run down the other hall and you'll be on other side of the doors" "Ok, go ahead" she told me.
I went up to the main wing doors and started kicking them as hard as I could. This immediately brought a flurry of MHA's and nurses down towards me.” What the hell are you doing?" one of the MHA's demanded. "Oh nothing" I replied. Janet took this opportunity to run down the hall and around to the other side of the wing and start beating the shit out of Ross. I never knew girls could hit like that. She grabbed him and threw him down and got on top of him and started punching the ever-loving shit out of Ross.
"AAAAAH! Help! Get her off me" he screamed out. 2 MHA's ran around the other side of the wing while 2 others fumbled with the key to get the door open. By the time they got Janet off of Ross, he was a mess. His nose was gushing blood like a fountain, and the bruises were already starting to form. Janet was tranq'd and tossed in the quiet room, which is pretty much standard hospital fight protocol.
As for me, it was pretty much obvious to the staff what I had done, and I was dropped back down to Status 1, which meant no leaving the wing for meals, which sucked because food in a styro box is never good. Also, it meant I would once again have to eat in the same area as my buddy Ross. My whole time in Summit, Ross never figured out why I chose that moment to start kicking the doors. Ross wasn't too bright.
The day I was discharged, Ross decided to be funny and slug me in the back as I was leaving. It wasn't an incredibly impressive or painful punch, but it really pissed me off. Since I was already on my way out the door, and pretty much no longer Summit property, I turned around and punched him in the chest as hard as I could. Right before I left the wing, I turned to see Ross on the couch with tears in his eyes and a confused look on his face.
If you happen to be reading this...Fuck you Ross.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.