The SA Forum Goons come from varied and interesting backgrounds, from professional chefs to doctors, fast food jockeys to lawyers, and software quality assurance testers to artists. However, one particular goon stands out from the rest. "Bigpeeler" has had the pleasure of working behind the scenes of one of the most bizarre jobs ever, the Public Zoo. He's been kind enough to share some of surreal stories he's either witnessed, or been told by his senior keepers. For today’s Goldmine, we're starting off with "Bigpeeler Gets It In The Ass From An Ostrich" and, "Herman The Elephant Stomps His Cock."

Bigpeeler Gets It In The Ass From An Ostrich

Part of the duties of a zookeeper is that of "picking the yard". When you let the animals out into their respective yards everyday, they of course, are going to shit. And over the course of 6 or 7 hours, they shit a lot. So for most of the animals, especially the ones who couldn't have direct contact with, you would go out and pick their yard first thing in the morning. The zoo director frowned on the public having to look at a yard full of turds.

But some of the animals you could mingle with. The ostriches were like this. Trust me when I say they are about as stupid an animal as there ever was. Hell, look at the size of their heads. It's as big as your fist and their brains are as big as your left nut.

A lot of times in the summer, we would just leave these over-grown chickens out all night. In fact, these mongoloids a lot of times would do the work of picking the yard for us, because they are so fucking stupid that they would take a shit and turn around and eat it. We would laugh our asses off watching them do this. Their tail would go up in the air and this huge greenish-brown plop would come out. Then they'd turn around and look at it, then gobble it down. You would see this softball-sized lump go down their long necks and they'd just walk off. Morons.

The ostriches were very popular with the public because they are so odd looking. When they get excited, which is like every 2 minutes, they bend their neck back like an "s", spread their wings and take off running in circles and figure-8's. They'll do this for no apparent reason. It's like a synapse goes off in their brain and they just start running. Must be all the shit they eat. It's hilarious to watch too, because when one does it, they all start doing it. Within a minute you'll have 10 ostriches running around, flapping their wings and wagging their necks back and forth. It looks like a fire drill in a drag bar.

Well one day, me and my buddy Gary are out in the yard picking shit. One of us would have a scoop shovel and a rake, and the other guy would pull a big plastic trash can on a two-wheel cart. He would also sort of stand guard in the event one of the ostriches got too curious. These retards loved to sneak up and start eating the shit out of the bucket and when they did, they ended up throwing it everywhere. The only harm an ostrich can really do to you is attack you with their middle toe. They kick forward and can open a persons belly up with one swipe. Hey, it's what they do. But attacks like that are very rare with females and that's all we had in this yard.

Anyway, Gary and I go out in the yard and start turd hunting. We're talking and picking, picking and talking. It's not hard work, just time consuming. After a while, you don't even think about the fact that you're picking up turds. In fact, sometimes we'd just grab them with our hands and do fade-away jump shots into the shit bucket. You know, you get bored so you improvise. This totally grossed out the public who was always watching us. "Ooooo...they're touching the doo-doo daddy!!!" Fuck you kid.

Any-fucking-way, here we are this one day out in the yard. Within minutes, the shit bucket is full. Gary says, "Hey Peeler, wait here and I'll go get another bucket." Cool. He takes off and I just kind of stand there watching the birds and keeping an eye on the public. Believe me, you deal with wild animals all day, but it's the douche-bag public you've gotta watch. They are always trying to hop over the ropes into the yards, or trying to pet the animals or feed them their soda cups or some stupid shit like that. Zookeppers hate the public.

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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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