Herman The Elephant Stomps His Cock
We had a male elephant for a while named Herman. He was fairly mature and he was used for breeding purposes. All of us keepers would take turns breeding him in the ass and......OK, I couldn't resist.
To breed Asian elephants successfully was a real feather in the cap of the zoo that could pull it off. With that in mind, the Zoo bought Herman and slowly introduced him to the females. All went well at first but in time he began showing real aggressive tendencies and it got to the point that we thought he would injure either himself or one of the cows. Because of this, we decided to sequester him into his own cage until he changed his attitude. He never did. He started to get worse. In fact, he started to get so bad it was getting dangerous for the keepers to go in the yard with him.
So we went ahead and set him up in his own yard with a pool and plenty of running room. All the yards had huge iron bars separating them so that the animals could see each other but keep out of harms way. Plus the bars were far enough apart for the keepers to scoot from yard to yard without having to back into the barn.
We put all 6 females into the middle yard with Herman in the yard to the right of them. Most of the time the girls would hang around the fence and flirt with Herman. He would stand there and they'd trunk each other and behave pretty well. But sometimes Herman would blow it by trying to head-butt the females through the fence. Believe me, to see that massive bull elephant get pissed made you realize just how puny and small we humans are. He would take his huge noggin and just BANG the fence. It would shake the whole fucking barn.
Elephants have air pockets in their skull. That's how they can use their heads to knock down huge trees and move rocks and shit in the wild. Also, that's why we would use our bull hooks to clobber them in the head. It didn't hurt them but the air pockets would resonate and make a lot of noise. They didn't like THAT, and they'd respond.
We would always get these animal right's assholes showing up when we were working with the elephants and when we'd hit then in the head, these freaks would scream and make a huge scene like we were hitting them. Finally we were able to secure an old elephant skull and we kept in in the feed room. Whenever one of these shit-disturbers would show up and put on their act (and they always did it when there was a big crowd), we would go get the skull and show then the air pockets. It shut them up every time.
One hot summer day, old Herman is ass-deep in his pool. He would sit in there and spray water up in the air with his trunk. Sometimes he'd spray it on himself, sometimes on the unsuspecting crowd. Way to go, Herman.
So he's sitting in his pool one day when a couple of the whores came up to the fence. One of them must have been in season because she wouldn't leave old Herman alone. She kept reaching though the fence with her truck trying to reach him. "Me so horny. Me love you lonnng time" She wanted some e-cock and she wanted it bad. Another way you could tell was that her giant Rosie O'Donnell-sized pussy lips would swell up the size of couch cushions and sometimes ooze elephant lube. That's right, just like your girlfriend.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.