Jay_Zombie

My father got one of these for my girlfriend.


A fucking Stair Stepper. A cheap ass one at that.
Thanks dad, for the gift that made the woman I love question her figure for a whole year. Asshole.


Volte

Really, mom and dad? What made you think I would want a gym membership? When have you ever known me to go to the gym? Do you know me at all?


Deific Presence

One year my aunt (who is a rich and terrible bitch and looks down on my parents and me for being poor and has openly said so) bought me a Christian self-help book. Fuck you bitch. That's like the most passive aggressive thing ever.


tetsuo

Really sis? I wouldn't instantly realize your gift of CS Lewis books and the promise of a future book "that's very similar, a little more challenging but a lot more rewarding" is an invitation down jesus lane? /r/atheism is going to fhave a field day.


Starter Wiggin

I got a book called Uncommon: Finding Your Path to Significance, by Tony Dungy. It's a book for young Christian men, and it's all about how to live your life with the principals set forth by GOD AND FOOTBALL. I am not Christian, nor am I a man. I have never shown any interest in football. This was a gift from my grandparents. It is used (not that I have anything against used books, but it is filled with questionable stains), and a slap in the face. I had a breakdown and dropped out of college this year. Thanks, Grampa!

For comparison, my mother got a Nook from them; my sister got designer clothes.


Autism Monday

A religious pamphlet? Clever move, dying Grandma, but let's see how you like it when I stand up next to your hospital bed wearing my V for Vendetta mask while you slowly expire.


Untrustable

Every year without fail, my Grandma gets me a toothbrush and toothpaste. This would be fine except the fact that my other siblings get money, and clothes, and other neat stuff. She and I have been at it since she found out I don't go to church, or really worship at all. So year after year I get my toothbrush/toothpaste.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.