Health Inspector Brown: She got her pizza.
Health Inspector Smith: It doesn't matter.
Health Inspector Jones: The burnt crust is real.
Health Inspector Smith: Yes.
Health Inspector Jones: We have the name of their next delivery boy.
Health Inspector Brown: The name is Neo.
Health Inspector Smith: We'll need a search running.
Health Inspector Jones: It's already begun.
Neo: What? What the hell?... Use the white cheese?... Who is it?
Francisco: It's Francisco.
Neo: Yeah. Yeah. You're two hours late.
Francisco: I know, it's her fault.
Neo: You got the money?
Francisco: Eleven bucks.
Neo: Hold on.
Francisco: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Little Caesar.
Neo: You get caught eating that...
Francisco: Yeah, I know. This was never baked. These toppings don't exist.
Francisco: Something wrong, man? You look a little greasier than usual.
Neo: My oven, it... You ever have that feeling where you're not sure if you're awake or still dreaming?
Francisco: Mm, all the time. It's called New York style. It's the only way to fly. Hey, it just sounds to me like you need to take off your apron, man. You know, get some R and R. What do you think, Maria? Should we take him with us?
Neo: No, I can't, I got work tomorrow.
Maria: Come on, It'll be fun. I promise.
Neo: Yeah, sure, I'll go.
Trinity: Hello Neo.
Neo: How do you know that name?
Trinity: I know a lot about you.
Neo: Who are you?
Trinity: My name is Trinity.
Neo: Trinity. The Trinity? The one that cooked a calzone for the president?
Trinity: That was a long time ago.
Neo: I just thought, um...you were a guy.
Trinity: Most guys do.
Neo: That was you in my oven. How did you do that?
Trinity: Right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger. I brought you here to warn you.
Neo: Of what?
Trinity: They're watching you, Neo.
Neo: Who is?
Trinity: Please just listen. I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit at your oven. You're looking for it. I know, because I was once looking for the same thing. And when I found it, it told me I wasn't really looking for it. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Neo. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question just as I did.
Neo: What is Dominos?
Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo. It's looking for you. And it will find you, if you want it to.
Julianno DiGeorgio: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Giovanni. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken. This pizzeria is one of the top Italian restaurants in the world because every single chef understands that they are part of a whole. Thus if a chef has a problem, the company has a problem. The time has come to make a Choice, Mr. Giovanni. Either you choose to be at your oven on time from this day forward or you choose to find yourself another job. Do I make myself clear?
Neo: Yes, Mr. DiGeorgio, perfectly clear.
FedEx Man: Paulino Giovanni?
Neo: Yeah, that's me.
FedEx Man: Just sign here.. Ok, great. Have a nice day.
Morpheus: Hello Neo. Do you know who this is?
Morpheus: Yes. I've been looking for you, Neo. I don't know if you're ready to eat what I want you to, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Neo, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Neo: Who's coming for me? Morpheus: Stand up and see for yourself.
Neo: What, right now? Morpheus:
Yes, now. Do it slowly. The front door.
Neo: Mama mia.
Neo: What the hell do they want from me?
Morpheus: I don't know, but if you don't want to find out I suggest you get out of there.
Morpheus: I can guide you but you must do exactly as I say.
Neo: Ok. Morpheus: The oven across from you is empty.
Neo: What if they...
Morpheus: Go, now... Stay in front of it for just a moment. When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the restroom at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can... Go, now... Good. Now, outside there is a ladder.
Neo: How do you know all this?
Morpheus: We don't have time, Neo. To your left there's a window. Go to it... Open it. You can use the ladder to get to the roof.
Neo: Mama Mia. Mama Mia. This is crazy.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.