Morpheus: This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but they've underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you'd probably be full.
Neo: What are you talking about. What... what’s happening to my pizza?
Morpheus: You are Papa John, Neo. You see, you may have spent the last few years looking for my pizza, but I've spent my entire life looking for yours. Now do you still want to meet?
Morpheus: Then go to the Adams street Bridge.
Neo: What the hell is this?
Trinity: It's necessary, Neo. For our protection.
Neo: From what. Trinity: From your toppings.
Switch: Take off your apron.
Switch: Stop the car. Listen to me, pepperoncini. We don't have time for twenty questions. Right now there's only one rule, our way or the highway.
Trinity: Please, Neo. You have to trust me.
Trinity: Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to deliver to... Apoc, lights. Lie back, lift up your apron.
Neo: What is that thing?
Trinity: We think you've been given some bad pepperoni... Try and relax... Come on. Come on.
Switch: It's on the move.
Switch: You're going to lose it.
Trinity: No I'm not. Clear.
Neo: Mama Mia! That thing's real?
Morpheus: At last. Welcome, Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.
Neo: It's an honor to meet you.
Morpheus: No, the honor is mine. Please, come. Sit. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Mario, sliding down the pipe? Hm?
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he cooks because he is expecting the best pizza in the world. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my toppings.
Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the cheese. You don't know what it is but its there, like a mushroom in your large Hawaiian Style driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is? Dominos is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your oven. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the dough that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your sauce and toppings.... Unfortunately, no one can be told what Dominos is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the Red Pepper, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the Green Pepper, you stay in the mushroom kingdom, and I show you how deep the pipe goes... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more... Follow me... Apoc, are we baking?
Morpheus: Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there.
Dozer: He still needs a lot of work.
Neo: What are you doing?
Morpheus: Your stomach can't digest the sausage, we're giving you some tums.
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
Morpheus: You've never chopped onions before. Rest, Neo. The pizzas are coming.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.