The title of this one is pretty self-explanatory: Qwerinty made a fun wee thread making some comedic observations about what it would be like to be at home with legendary singer-songwriter Tom Waits, and everyone had a jolly good time chiming in with their own little jokes and quips. And guess what - you can read them, right below here, as soon as I'm done typing this intro!
when you open the ice box, you will find a bone splinter from a long bone, a cup of coffee that is somehow still hot, and he reaches in from the other side to grab a pack of smokes (with extra gravel) from the ice box's door
"Oh, gnnahhh, you like the floors? Had 'em put in,, ohhhnnn must be 3 million years ago. Yeahhhn, I like the dirt, it's a very.. visceral feel, and in I just love throwing it at unfinished drywall when i want to entertain myself. I don't own a tv."
it takes tom waits 20 minutes to navigate the ever-shifting non-euclidean funhouse mirror maze that distorts your image so you look like a demon covered in dust to get the bathroom by shouting "MARCO" into a heavily distorted megaphone. the bathroom answers back "polo"
when tom waits exists the recording booth or finishes a tour, he always looks forward to coming home to the state fair where he can operate the haunted mansion ride.
he has a complicated series of plumbing that leads from a chair with a dunce cap sitting on it out to the drainage canal outside. he dons the hat and sits in the chair, facing the corner. "misery is the river of the world." he cries into the phonograph horn he welded onto the pipe. he shakes the dirt off his duster and pulls his diary from its breast pocket.
he leaves the home and people immediately start laughing at him, saying he's wearing a fedora. "actually, it's not a fedora, it's a hat" he says, a blizzard of glitter flowing from it as he removes it and bows deeply, sarcastically
fema crisis actor
The wurlitzer jukebox in the corner is free, but it only has Iggy Pop songs in it. The bubbling liquid in its glowing tubes is Negroni. It cries Negroni tears if the first song you try to play is raw power
he stopped making toast due to extreme ptsd from singing about the war
tom waits exclusively cooks his food with one of three things: the overheated engine of a '55 pickup truck painted oxblood red, a giant open flame he claims is from hell itself but is actually a tire fire, or a flamethrower. he only eats beef.
tom waits hunches like a gargoyle over his desk to write letters with tar instead of ink and sends them to nick cave who sends back vials of dust from a burnt down town in the old west. all the letters are is increasingly aggressive growls and coughs transposed to paper. pitchfork reports on this as a feud but at least one of either waits or cave views it as a collaboration
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.