I'd like to talk about the music video that inspired this thread.
[00:09] The darkness of Tom Waits' home is so palpable, he was able to tie a rope to the darkness.
[00:13] Dirt floor theory confirmed.
[00:20] Tom Waits, dragging his home behind him, complains that he "had a good home but I left." A couch shaped like a piano grows where the house once stood, no land he ever abides in being free from his mark.
[00:34] Tom Waits likes to hang around his house and re-enact the "In Dreams" scene from Blue Velvet. The ghost of Dennis Hopper appears in the form of a cloud of steam.
[00:43] Physics really went to shit when the Earth died screaming.
[01:10] Brand new battleships rust as the house floats past. This may be why that general earlier was really pissed off and also extremely far away from Tom himself.
[01:11] He sneaks his pets into every video he does, it's his "thing".
[01:23] I wonder how painful it was to him to not have those zippers be rusty and sharp.
[01:57] Tom moonlights as a message in a bottle. Eh, it's a living.
[02:08] Here, Waits shows off his latest body mod.
[03:10] Vampires must sleep in coffins filled with earth from their birth site.
[03:31] Waits is extremely bad at sweeping up his workshop.
[03:42] I like to think that Tom Waits made a house out of each room and put it in an abandoned warehouse. One house is the bedroom, one is the kitchen, etc.
[03:50] He works out his body and his voice at the same time so he can make his train back to Silent Hill.
When you really get to know the guy, he lets you into his life a little. He likes to break out old dusty family photo albums. His great-great-great grandfather, the pirate. His uncle, a car mechanic. A distant cousin from a few generations ago working as a soda-fountain jock-jerk. Some relative, the steam engine operator. That's when it dawns of you. Each of these photos is actually Tom Waits himself, in his costumes he wore at your Halloween parties all these years. "They're not forgeries" he coughs, and laughs until you wake up screaming, covered in a cold, muddy sweat
in his bedroom, no bed, just an iron gibbet. Tom spends every day standing in it, grinding down the bars with his stubble.
The back is open, he could leave at any time--he says he's been sentenced to life plus ninety years, but his prison is the world outside.
"It's like no one remembers my early stuff", Tom chokes out. He sinks a bit deeper into the Triumph-come-psychiatric couch. Harlan Ellison leans back in the conductor seat pulled from the No. 1 out of Memphis, scribbling notes. "Piano bars, rye whisky, used car lots, kids these days don't get that shit. You gotta sing about shit they can relate to. Smoke, rust, the world ending, that's the world they're growing up in." Ellison nods, finishing his outline for a story about a man whose past takes the physical form of a coal train. "I bet no one even knows what a potter's field is anymore." The story is given a name: "Six Post Derail"
fuck. marry. t-rex
Tom Waits is recording his latest album on a Xbox 360 headset-mic from a detroit pawnshop, whose previous owner was a loud slurring preteen with a propensity for the word 'f-----'.
The child, now 22, will also be featured in backup vocals as part of a halfway-home program for recovering meth addicts.
"does life seem nasty, brutish and short?" a claw snakes out of a cloud of dust, reminding you of Stephen King's "Peanuts", grabbing you around the shoulders in what seems to be an attempt at friendliness. "come on up to the house"
fuck. marry. t-rex
Macy and Peppermint Patty are dancing in the clasic scene from a Charlie Brown tv movie. To the side, cartoon Tom Waits plays a grand piano, his adult head reaching to offscreen in the classic style.
He begins singing, "waaowawawawaowaowao".
fema crisis actor
If you ask Tom Waits about the holes in his shoes, he points to the holes in your soul
the theme song the Reading Rainbow offshoot, "Reading Gradient", features the host, Tom Waits flying on steam from a sewer gate into Carl Maria von Weber's Der Freischütz
in my imaginiation the house tom waits lives in is just like any other house. its got a kitchen and a bathroom and all that cool stuff. he even watches the tv programs everyone else watches on a completely normal tv. wow... its really great to be a guest in tom waits house here in my imagination
the year is 1983. tom waits, frustrated at the direction of his career, peers through his cigarette smoke at an ad:
HOUSE FOR SALE: Brand new roof, completely
renovated, constantly raining inside the r
ain does not stop, we are too afraid to op
en umbrellas in the house. will literally
sell the house for a song. serious inquiri
es only. KL-5-226. Ask for THE GREAT CROW.
He looks up and from the paper and sees someone boning a swordfish, and he hasn't had lunch yet. Picking up an umbrella on the way to answer the ad, he gargles some salt water. A legend is born.
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.