Okay. So she's twenty-four, lives at home, has a curfew, and goes to school very part-time. As in one class per semester. All right, maybe that's not so bad. She also works in a nursery school and complains about her job constantly. At this time I wasn't complaining about my job constantly - that was to come later.
But I managed to dismiss all of this. I was very, very desperate for someone to date. Looking back on it now I'd like to slap my past self. I was pathetic. I didn't see how horrible this girl was. And to make matters worse I'd never seen her. But by God, I was going to meet her! We made a date to have dinner together.
Her parents had to come.
Whoa, whoa. Hold the motherfucking phone there a second, Cletus. What was that? Yep. She insisted that her parents come on our first date. I look at it this way - any get-together that involves parents cannot possibly count as a true date. I've used this to console myself since the fact. So I'm going to meet this girl for dinner and her parents are going to be there. She knows exactly what I look like and where I work by this point, so there's no way that I can possibly stand her up. Unfortunately for me I have no desire to stand her up at all. I arrive at the restaurant. I forget what she was wearing at the time, but I knew to look for her. She hadn't told me what she looked like. I tend to assume the absolute worst in a case like that. That way I'm never disappointed.
My imagination was completely unprepared to conjure what I encountered in reality. It's never been able to craft something as horrible as what I saw that night.
Now first of all let me say that I'm not a shallow guy. I'm not exactly a male model myself, and looks don't generally matter that much to me. I'm not incredibly picky. I find a very wide range of body types to be attractive. I like large breasts, small breasts, medium sized breasts. I like long hair, short hair, and everything in between. I like skinny bodies, average bodies, and large bodies. I'm diverse in what I find to be physically attractive. I can almost always find something attractive in unattractive girls, too. For instance a girl may be physically ugly, but I might think she's got a nice smile. No girl is a totally hideous beast in my eyes.
Except for Rachel.
She is singularly the most unattractive human being that I've ever encountered. I stepped up to the restaurant and saw her. I made eye contact. I suddenly realized that it was her, that she was she, and that I had to do a hell of an impromptu acting job to keep myself from showing my horror. She smiled at me. I had to desperately avoid reeling in terror.
I'll try to describe her. Bear with me; this is difficult for me to do.
She's roughly twice as large as me and she's the same height as I am. That means she weighs around three hundred and fifty pounds and she's five feet, eight inches tall. Maybe she's not quite that large, but I'd be shocked if you told me that she weighed in at under three hundred pounds. That, however, isn't nearly enough to make her horrifying. She's got really short, straw-colored hair that has the consistency of straw. It looks like she never ever has taken a comb or a brush to it a single time in her entire life. She's got huge eyes, and they're always wide-open and unblinking. Her eyes look like they're perpetually ready to pop right out of their sockets. She's also got a mouth full of the most crooked horse teeth I've ever seen. You've heard people joke about them breaking cameras? She would very likely break a camera with one of her wide-eyed grins. She's also lumpy. I know I'm fat, but at least I'm not lumpy. I've got broad shoulders, a rather large, thick frame comprised of thick, heavy bones, and I'm somewhat strong with some muscle. I'm fat, but that fat is evenly distributed in a way such that no excess amount of it resides in any one strange place. She, on the other hand, had weird lumpy areas in her shoulders.
In summary, she looked vaguely like a more-deformed version of the hunchback of Notre Dame.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.