cda

Me: Eggs, cheese, hot sauce...uhh..kitty litter.

Russian agent: Vy are you sayink dis to me Comrade, is not in codebook.

*files FOIA request, goes grocery shopping 2 1/2 years later*

Space Taxi

Bank: Hello. Before we can proceed with this call, you'll need to tell me your four digit security PIN.

Me: Shit, it's been a while. Um.

Me: Four...

Me: Six...

Me: Two?

Me: Um...

Me: Err...

FBI: Three

Me: Right. Three.

Me: Wat?

FutonForensic

me: hi FBI guy

FBI: uhh you're not really supposed to talk directly to us, lmao. we just listen 

me: ooooh ok lol. well i'm just gonna dial the Big Latina Asses hotline. are you okay with Big Latina Asses?

FBI: i freakin' love Big Latina Asses, my man. carry on lol

me: *redial* hello, is this Big Latina Asses hotline  👌

FBI:  👌

They Might Be

FBI: We need more data on this fella, but he doesn't seem to be much for talking on his telephone. Put him on "Project Warranty."

Me, for the next five years: Oh sorry I don't need an extended warranty for my vehicle... Yes... Please take me off your list.

social vegan

*slams the table* this whole operation was worthless, I've got 45 hours from his samsung and all he does is respond to Dora's questions

FutonForensic

me: hey, Chelsea? I just wanted to say... um...

???: TELL HER YOU ENJOY HER COMPANY. TREAT HER AS A PERSON, NOT AN OBJECT.

Chelsea: Yeah! Do those things!

me: uh, uh, slut! you're an ugly negged slut and you'll take me to prom! blehblehblehbleh (<-- bad cunnilingus noises)

???: YOU FOOL. YOU THREW AWAY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP. CHELSEA. GO TO PROM WITH ME. WE WILL RULE THE CEREMONY NOT AS PROM KING AND QUEEN, BUT AS PROM GODS

Chelsea: nah

nobodygetshurt

Hacking tip: To reverse the wiretap, simply turn your phone upside down with the mic on your ear and the speaker by your mouth. You have now wiretapped the FBI.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

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