I broke my fucking heel. The actual heel, like the ball of it. It was the day after all my friends graduated high school, I wasn't even hung over or anything.
I work construction for my dad and I was looking in the rafters doubling up the studs underneath the beams for more support. Well, I forgot where I was at in the house and walked straight into an empty stairwell. There were no stairs in it at all, just a big fucking hole that was 9 feet deep with pure concrete as the landing surface.
So I'm walking and all of a sudden there is nothing below me. I had just a fast enough reaction to somewhat brace myself for the fall. My brother saw me drop, he said it was like a cartoon character. I didn't feel any pain at first until I put pressure on my foot when I stood up. But I knew before that something in my left foot did not feel right at all.
Long story short, I fell 9 feet into the basement of a house, landed on concrete breaking my left heel, actually no, I shattered it. The worst fucking bone in your body to break and I did it, yay go me. In a cast all summer and it fucking sucks.
I used to work at a TV station as a master control operator. One night when I was still relatively new to the job I was unaware that a certain satellite feed was being recorded on a TIVO-like device. Unknowingly, I changed the satellite coordinates to set up for a feed (Cristina's Court) that I normally recorded at 2am. That night I aired a NFL football game (I forget who was playing) and just after half time it went black. This is a VERY BAD THING when on-air shows go black. So, instead of the 2nd half of the football game all of south central Kentucky got to watch 2 straight hours of the Andy Griffith show. That sure was embarrassing.
At a hospital: a patient was clutching her chest, grinding her teeth, and doubling over in pain. I asked her if the pain was shooting down her arm and she screamed "Yessss". I immediately thought "Fuck, heart attack!" and called a code blue over the hospital intercom. A torrent of nurses poured into our unit with a cart and wheelchair.
The nursing supervisor took her vital signs and she was completely fine. And the alleged pain was indicated to have been shooting down the right arm, not the left as is typical in a heart attack.
I almost killed a little girl with a hammer at Burger King a while ago.
I was cleaning the fluorescent ceiling lights out, so I was up on a ladder with a rag and a hammer. The reason I had the hammer was because the little tabs on the lights that you have to pull out are bitches, so I use the claw end of the hammer to pry them.
I'm cleaning the lights in the hallway leading to the bathrooms. I finish one and come down off the ladder to move everything to the next light. As I'm moving the ladder, a little girl comes running by on the right to go to the bathroom. As it turned out, I'd left the hammer on top of the ladder and just as the little girl was going by the ladder, the hammer fell off to the left. With the timing of it, if that hammer had fallen off to the right it would have landed right on the girl's head. No one but me noticed; the girl headed into the bathroom while I picked up the hammer and mumbled "That could have been bad."
Dumbest part about it is the fact that there's a hole cut into the top of the ladder that's designed specifically for holding a hammer.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.