Worked in both state corrections and now federal corrections for a few years each. I can honestly say state has the straight crazies and fed inmates are more chill.
Fed inmates: One guy in this late 20s starts a fight with this old con who is in his 40s. They fight for a bit and the old guy wears down the younger kid then puts him in a headlock. To seal his victory he bends down and bites the younger guys eyebrow off and spits it on the floor. They shook hands, cleaned up the mess, walked off. Oh and left the eyebrow.
State inmate: Some random guy just gets bored one day and takes a staple and sharpens it on the cement. Proceed to slit his sack from top to bottom because he didn't think the pictures in the medical books he had were correct. When he finally tells staff 3 days later he grabs his sack to show us and squeezed to hard to where a testicle popped out.
So many stories about the weird shit inmates at the state do to their junk. Only met one fed inmate who cut the whole sack off, put it in a milk carton and handed it to a CO.
One of my bosses at a terrible retail place destroying the back room in a tantrum when I said that this place pays minimum wage so I don't care about my year end performance review. What makes this terrible is that the boss some how knocked over a shelf, mid tantrum, containing those disgusting plastic cat food packs which then oozed all over the backroom floor and congealed into some horrifying blob of shit.
When I was a deckhand on the boats in Port Fourchon I saw a guy get his hand crushed/amputated by one of the gigantic ropes they tie 100+ foot boats to the docks with. Some Stephen King book, I don't remember which, uses the phrase, "it was like watching a stick of dynamite go off inside a glove full of meat." Yeah, pretty much. The night before the accident the guy was trying to convince me to go off behind the warehouse and drink some mushroom tea with him.
I work in a book store and there's a guy who comes in who always, always comes in clutching a Cthulhu plush toy to his chest. He looks like he's in his late twenties, early thirties. It's red with black highlights, has a Nazi armband complete with swastika, and is covered in crusty little stains. I don't know whether these are food or cum or what. This has been going on for 3+ years now. The guy barely says a word and just stares at me creepily as I ring him out.
Once we had portaloos in the loading bay. We're watching this truck driver take like 30 attempts to back in and a guy goes to take a shit in the portaloo. We tell him its a bad idea but he does it anyway. The truck backed into the portaloo and the guy came flying out.
The next day with a broken portaloo leaking shit everywhere the grease trap overflowed into the loading bay. I cant describe the smell but it was pretty horrendous.
This reminds me of the time back at Krogers when my friend and I decided to prank one of our jerk coworkers by tricking him into eating six cups of raw, uncooked rice and drinking a half gallon of water. The rice swelled up in his stomach and started pushing all his crap out and he epically shit himself in front of everyone. Like, not just a big shit but like, the entire contents of both his large and small intestines all over the floor of the warehouse. The most horrific part was when my irate manager made me clean it all up by myself even though I wasn't the only guy who pulled the prank >: (
I once saw this little asshole eat another person's snot in the lunch room, off of a sandwich he swiped off the other guy's plate when he was looking away. Big effin loogie too. Daycare ist krieg.
Hobo By Design
Used to work in a cemetery, occasionally unburied people. Some dude was buried between his wife and mistress, his kids found out and wanted their parents exhumed + cremated. This is decades after the fact. After hauling up the bronze vaults in the middle of summer, we took a lunch break. Afterwards, I held the casket open while a decades-old corpse was transferred into the tray or w/e it's called that goes into the crematory. Mostly solid. Fingernails came off when the mortician took off the rings. Smell was bad. One of my coworkers threw up. Turns out the kids didn't even have power of attorney!
A local funeral home had Drama (owner was a cokehead, son of previous owner), they tried to bury a child in a styrofoam cooler. Dude got in trouble when he kept a body in a unrefrigerated closet for like 2 weeks.
I worked in a dumb little computer store as a teen. It was my first job. One night, the store was broken into. One of the thieves did a poor job in busting the metal door open, and managed to cut himself deep on it. There was caked blood everywhere. They stole an old customer's ancient computer, a damaged motherboard, and a brand new 15 inch LCD display.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.