|Good luck trying to figure out who's fighting who in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Amidst the explosions and slo-mo shots of Megan Fox bending over every goddamned thing in sight, Michael Bay forgot he was supposed to make a movie.|
|Sure, Cheri may be good, and it's a kinda/sorta/not really comeback for Michelle Pfeiffer... but you can't honestly tell me anyone will be able to discern this one from the pack of period dramas ten years from now.|
Billy Wilder is pretty well-known as a cynic, but even that reputation can't prepare you for just how vicious Ace in the Hole really is. And I'm not just talking about the leads -- even though Kirk Douglas has rarely been so simultaneously charming and repellent, and Jan Sterling creates one of the most selfish and frigid wives in cinematic history. Here, Wilder's bile spares no one, from the naive victims to the public officials. It's a breathtaking indictment of the media, with a prescient view of the way the public is ruled by their baser desires. Presaging everything from the O.J. trial to Michael Jackson's death coverage, Ace in the Hole doesn't feel dated at all, despite the fact that it's nearly 60 years old. Perhaps Wilder's best film (and that's saying something), filled with crackling dialogue, anchored by spellbinding performances, and packing one hell of a mean punch, Ace in the Hole is an absolute masterpiece. -Josh "ClydeUmney" Mauthe
A documentary about a village so primitive that until recently, even bread was unknown to its inhabitants. Through a flat and unemotional narration, we're taken on a travelogue of the sad, decrepit, bumbling villagers and their daily lives. Surrealist, bizarre, and ultimately hilarious, this might have been the first parody of the documentary film, concocted by the director of the more famous Un Chien Andalou. -Matt "the" Gronke
It's a crime this film's IMDb date is 2007 and yet we're not seeing it until now. But I'm going to take this rare opportunity to pimp a movie in wide release, echoing ClydeUmney's statement and one-upping him with unreserved praise: This is your chance to support the little people. Whether you agree Paranormal Activity is scary (I certainly think it is), it is a kick in the groin for Hollywood, proving that you don't need millions of dollars and untold man hours in CGI work to produce a well-crafted horror film. All you need is a camera, a handful of actors (one of whom, Kate Featherston, will no doubt go on to do great things if her performance here is adequate evidence of her abilities) and a heaping tablespoon of invention. It's a fantastic film, one that deserves your hard-earned money, if only to send a statement; Hollywood speaks in cold hard cash, and if indies like this one do well, they'll be hard-pressed not to buy distribution rights for the next jagged gem. -Sean "bad movie knight" Hanson
Matt "the" Gronke, arguably the most qualified film critic on the entire Internet, received his Bachelor's Degree in Film Criticism in 2006. When he's not busy being unemployed due to his degree in Film Criticism, he spends his time posting on Internet forums, scoffing with smug pretentiousness at every film mentioned. He's seen better -- much better -- and you are just too small-minded to "get it."
Sean "bad movie knight" Hanson thinks Under Siege rules while Raging Bull drools. Seriously.
Robert "BulletRiddled" Lee has a heart full of gold and a basement full of Star Wars figurines in the original packaging so DON'T TOUCH
Ian "ProfessorClumsy" Maddison is a big gay English teddy bear who likes everything but dental care.
Josh "ClydeUmney" Mauthe has attempted on numerous occasions to illustrate the Taoist implications inherent in The Big Lebowski. It is unclear whether he is onto something or a raving idiot, but his wife suspects the latter.
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
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