I Hate You Page 156
- Trashcan Demon can be summoned by leaving decaying pork rinds outside your back door at midnight. Don't be surprised when he breaks into your house and starts rummaging through all your bins for used condoms and toothpaste. I once hunted this inbred freak all over town with a .45, but I lost his trail under an grease pit behind the South Appleton Denny's. Their food tastes like shit and it once took them 55 minutes to seat me. 55 goddamn minutes. They can't treat us vets like that. I broke a barber pole over the wench waitress' skull to express my displeasure.
- Oh no! It's a vampire! By "vampire" I mean "pathetic sack of entrails who puts food coloring in his eyes". I fucking hate goths. Whenever I see one of these trashbag-wearing freaks go past my house, I run outside and beat them with the sack of rusty doorknobs I keep by the door in case the Ruskies invade. This jerkoff was no exception. Once he was on the ground I set fire to that assugly centipede crawling across his face.
- WHAT IN THE FLAMING FUCK?!?!
GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE I BEAT YOU UNCONSCIOUS WITH A MASONRY HAMMER AND SHOVE YOUR HEAD DOWN THE NEAREST DRAIN, YOU SHIT-DRIBBLING CIRCUS TURD.
- Laurence Ford undulates his rippling flab as he prepares to overwhelm the ladies in wave upon wave of glistening man-blubber. Looking good there, you fucking gutbucket. I don't know who the hell that little shit on the left is, and I don't care. I'll break open both their cake-filled guts with a crowbar.
- Earlier this year Simon Reynolds became the first man to receive the "entire prosthetic face" replacement developed by Appleton City surgeons. I predict that this operation will be very popular in East Appleton as a medical lifeline for the tragically ugly. Just to encourage the residents to take advantage of this new surgical miracle, I drove over and beat a couple dozen in the face with a broken STOP sign until they passed out from blood loss.
Some peoples' dogs drink from their toilet bowl. Sam Meyers tries to go paddling in his. One of these days I'm gonna make sure he never comes out again.