I Hate You Page 84

: 7-11 employee Greg Brennings displays a slight bit of displeasure after realizing I spiked his shampoo with Super Glue. I can only imagine the joy he felt in his gut after realizing I spiked his Yoohoo with drain cleaner. I also took the liberty of stabbing the simp in the face with a broken bottle of schnapps I found in an alleyway next to a dog's gutted corpse. Merry Christmas, I fucking hate you and will decorate my tree with your entrails.

: Mark Garrison shows why nobody allows him to house-sit anymore. One red vacuum tube and 14 pounds of goldfish later, and the jackass is still hungry.

: I found this thing growing on that couch I bought at Peterson's garage sale last weekend for $2.50. It cost me more than that for all the lighter fluid I used to "disinfect" it.

: Man? Woman? Halloween prank? Kitchen appliance? It doesn't matter to my steel-lined combat boot.

: Riding on the short bus is free, but you have to watch Tommy Henderson count the number of Big Macs he had for breakfast.