Today's update idea originated in a conversation I had with Moof, who secretly works in the tech support industry. I told him that instead of talking on the phone with irate customers, he should just correspond with them through regular old mail. Because Moof secretly goes by the name "Tom" in real life, I instantly thought of another famous Tom who wrote letters: Tom Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson was a fairly well known president who was talented in just about every trade, with the possible exception of performing abortions on whales and other large sea mammals. Because he was so talented, it was only a hop, skip, and a jump away from deciding that at some point, Thomas Jefferson probably also answered tech support questions via mail. This chain of thoughts is a perfect example of why I'm mostly retarded.

I should of course apologize again for forgetting to be funny.

On another note, even though Jefferson had slaves and slaves are a big NO-NO these days, he really was an impressive figure. It's been a long time since we had a president who could talk in an eloquent way, as most of our recent presidents have been cowboys and rednecks. I think it would be great to have another eloquent and talented president. I don't mean one that talks all fruity like somebody from the 1700s, but rather one that doesn't sound like a frustrated child the second he is lured away from his pre-rehearsed addresses. That said, I think it's time we elect Don King for president.

Rumor has it that Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz is expecting shipment of his second realdoll, which he plans to name "Xena" after his television idol. Now that Xena is in the picture, he is selling his original realdoll, Herculina, on an Internet auction house. Fearing embarrassment, he is selling the doll under a pseudonym. It just so happens that an unwitting Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley was first to bid on the used sexual appliance. I smell trouble cooking!™ (Note: that is my new catchphrase).

Livestock: moof sometimes i wish all the horses of the world had but one head so that I could punch them all at the same time
Livestock: god i hate horses!!
Moof: agh dont say that!!!!
Moof: did i ever tell you about the horses
Moof: next to my apartment
Livestock: yes you smell them and then beat your chest like tarzan
Moof: hehe
Livestock: because you love the smell of horses in the morning
Livestock: moof we've all seen that episode
Livestock: moof do you ever worry that if you don't keep moving
Livestock: barnacles will attach themselves to you
Livestock: and you'll have to go through life with a nickname
Livestock: like Barnacle Bill or something
Moof: no never i am not an oil tanker
Livestock: yeah well i never said you were
Livestock: but i mean that's not going to stop a barnacle
Livestock: a still surface is a still surface
Livestock: and if you keep still too long
Livestock: you're gonna be covered with barnacles
Moof: jesus i never thought about it that way
Moof: what can i do
Livestock: check yourself for barnacles moof
Livestock: it's the only way
Moof: HOW CAN I PREVENT THEM
Livestock: well moof you can move about every so often
Livestock: you know and brush yourself off
Livestock: avoid laying at the bottom of the sea
Livestock: and stay away from strange ports

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff