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Wednesday, May 9, 2007 Update by Josh "Livestock" Boruff

It's been awhile since I wrote an update I felt truly bad about, and today's was definitely one. The idea sounded better in my head, to describe zoo animals in a horrifyingly depressing fashion, for no logical reason whatsoever. I didn't do it because I think zoos or wrong or that the animals really are depressed, I just did it for absurdity's sake and because stories about trips to the zoo are usually more exciting. And also written by small children, which I am not physically. I promise never to write this update again.

Also sorry for the recent deluge of fur trapper stories. There probably won't be any more for a little while at least. They got a good response and I think they are a lot of fun, but none of us want to overdo it.

I have not done a Daily Dirt in ages, so here's a chat log.

Coast Guarding with Tom "Moof" Davies

Moof: want to join the coastguard with me
Livestock: moof i wouldn't join the circus with you
Livestock: because we are both too stoic
Livestock: but i would join the coastguard
Livestock: you take the east coast i will take the west
Moof: thank you!!
Moof: ok got it
Livestock: how is your coast holding up
Moof: going good except maybe some terrorists got some bombs through (nuclear)
Moof: maybe...
Livestock: moof i don't like that kind of chatter
Moof: livestock my coast is really big
Moof: bigger than yours
Moof: thanks to florida
Moof: i need some help
Livestock: moof i am working hard on my coast give me a break
Moof: yeah your little tiny coast
Moof: you could guard that coast with a spoon
Livestock: moof my coast includes alaska
Livestock: and hawaii
Moof: guarding your coast is like guarding a jamba juice
Livestock: you call your coast a coast? moof where i come from we call that a shore
Livestock: at best
Livestock: more like a tiny little stream
Livestock: it is more like a creek dividing america from europa and africa
Moof: my coast is as big as two of your coasts
Moof: where i come from we call the west coast the west joke
Moof: it is a big joke to the entire coast community
Livestock: i think you have been drinking too much saltwater friend
Livestock: perhaps the long days of staring at nothing have taken their toll on your brain
Livestock: the pacific coast is legendary for its size and danger
Livestock: it is like a minefield that takes up half the planet
Livestock: anywhere you step could signal the end
Livestock: an octopus might grab you, a whale might eat you, a wave might slam into your face
Moof: well the atlantic coast is actually literally a minefield
Moof: and not just mines too there are submarines
Moof: and monsters
Livestock: moof you are a child and your stories are childish
Livestock: all you can do is construct a strawman argument against the west coast, but you know what moof the west coast is famous for its red herrings, and you just caught a bunch in one of your nets
Livestock: so foolish and simple you are
Moof: listen it is just that what upsets me the most is when you boast about your coast when really your coast
Moof: is just a ghost
Moof: of my coast
Moof: your coast is toast
Moof: at most
Livestock: moof if you turn the page of your rhyming dictionary to the "m" section
Livestock: and look at "moof"
Livestock: it will say moof rhymes with goof
Livestock: you are a goof
Livestock: and that is all i will say on the matter
Moof: actually it says: moof - has the best coast
Moof: Q.E.D.
Livestock: moof do you even know what a rhyming dictionary is
Livestock: you are like an idiot
Moof: do you even know what a shutup is
Moof: shutup
Livestock: ad hominem attacks now i see
Livestock: clearly the work of an inferior coastsman!!!!
Moof: stupid idiot attacks now i see
Moof: you are more like a stupidman
Livestock: may barnacles consume your face for all time!!!!

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff