Well, the results are in for my BIG BIG COMEDY DAILY COMEDY DIRT HAHA CONTEST and I have learned the following things:

Most of you can't write very well.

Some of you can write quite well but aren't that funny.

At least one of you will die before this year is out.

With that being said, here are the winners of my contest thing:

THIRD PLACE goes to Skaz, for his idea which was quite good. The rest of the article didn't quite live up to the idea, so I'll just print this part:

Picture this: All new Girls Gone Mild. Watch as these former college coeds get real jobs and settle into their new, mellow lives

SECOND PLACE goes to Alex for this little piece which I edited slightly for streamlining purposes. He might have won first place but the "VD" pun kind of sucks.

A voluntary draft (VD) will start in the next few months. What exactly is a voluntary draft? "It's the 'you don’t have to if you don't want to, but you really should' draft," explained one senator. "It's the feel good draft of the year," another told us. "We don’t want to reinstate the draft, just yet, so we figured this would be a great transition."

"My girlfriend has been bugging me to go to her sister's wedding for ages… but I’d like an excuse to get out of it. VD sounds like a great way to go," said Tim Masters, a supporter of the VD.

And finally…

FIRST PLACE goes to Chris Lawson, for this touching coming of age memoir.

I met Jimmy Lee in a media arts class in high school, and became fast friends because I was the only one who could really understand his fresh-off-the-boat Korean accent. Social problems aside, he gave me some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard:

"Oh man, don't you know? It all about my face! Yo face, his face, her face, they all fuckin suck, man! You never get anywhere with face like that! My face, is THE face! This face, gets the gauls man, just watch!"

Confused, I could only witness his majesty in silence. He turned to the girl at the computer next to him, smiled like a pervert, tilted his head back, pressed his glasses to his face with his middle fingers right at the bridge of his nose, raised his eyebrow, and said,

"Hey girl, with face like that, you need to be with me to avoid disgrace."

Years later, Jimmy Lee would nickname himself "Kid Gorgeous".

Thanks again to everyone who participated. If you would like to whine about not being picked or maybe, god forbid, comment on the article, you can send it to maxnmona@somethingawful.com.

- Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink