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Today I didn't have any good ideas but then Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen suggested the topic of "Christmas Miracles" shortly after sending me a link to his latest awful attempt at singing, which consisted of him screaming over a "Winter Wonderland" midi file and slandering my good name. He's a monster that way, A REAL COLD BLOODED MONSTER.

I am slowly turning into an even bigger hack writer and rapidly crumbling into small breadcrumbs of a man, unable to write anything. This is what it must feel like to be an old man. This is what it must feel like to be Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka.

It seems a certain Weekend Web writer is failing study hall because he can't stop falling asleep. Will said failure prevent this certain Weekend Web writer from graduating on time? Only time will tell! In other news, here's a juicy bit of Frolixo gossip from a lame duck who goes by the name of Tarid on the World Wide Web:

I've been his garbage man for 7 months and not once has he thanked me. Every week I take his shit and put it in my truck, and i'm one of the few sanitation engineers that actually puts the cans back on the curb i don't just throw them.

Anyway long story short I've started putting his garbage bags up front with me to search for important documents. I've not found any yet but i've got about a few old magazines and some empty hair dye bottles (red)

I guess Big Red isn't so red after all!!

You've probably noticed the Daily Dirt is primarily used by the same sorry cast of nobodies each and every week, with the possible exemption of myself for seniority reasons. If you're wondering why you don't get any quality humor from the rest of the gang, here is why:

Zack Parsons is too busy to do Daily Dirt updates in addition to his usual 3 pieces of comedy a week because he is simply selfish, and wants to dedicate the rest of his time to writing some dumb book about tanks and probably spending time away from the computer. What an asshole.

Lowtax is currently spending all his time enjoying life with his wife and child in their posh Doom House. When he is not doing that he's calling the people that wanted to buy the Xbox 360 fags, then whining about the stores being out of them.

Jed does not do Daily Dirt updates because he barely has enough of a soul left to even write his articles. The process of assembling the different McDonald's sandwich options is not unlike the reverse of being one of the machines that tears humans apart and turns them into Strogg warriors. Each one of those sandwiches is taking him apart and making him more machine than man.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen was fired for posting e-mails in lieu of actual original content, and as such he doesn't come around anymore except for a brief cameo as the guy who practically wrote this update for me.

Taylor "Psychosis" Bell has not done jack shit for the frontpage in years and the last time he did anything was hike to some bat caves with me in the wilds of Western Washington. He doesn't mind broccoli but really fancies cauliflower. His weakness is onions. Please update your scorecards.

DocEvil does not do the Daily Dirt because he would make us all look bad if he did.

Tom "Moof" Davies doesn't write Daily Dirt columns because he is a fictional character that I hold the copyright to.

OMGWTFBBQ does not write Daily Dirt columns because if he did they would be so heartwarming and tender that people would cry and hug the nearest person, overwhelmed with a new sense of joy and appreciation for all things great and small.

I don't remember if anyone else writes for Something Awful but if they do they probably aren't worth reading. I'm just kidding of course. Everyone here is exceptionally funny (with few exceptions).

Livestock: how can i take good pictures
Moof: point at a dog and shoot
Livestock: should i get a close up of a bug on the dog's nose
Livestock: has anyone done that
Livestock: because that would be amazing
Moof: no never
Moof: but you probably need a better camera :(
Livestock: moof i swear to god if you steal my idea about taking a picture of a bug on a dog's nose i will shoot you with a gun
Livestock: that is going to be the shot that gets me on Time Magazine's cover!!
Livestock: it will be like man on the moon
Moof: yes
Moof: all i need now is a dog and a bug
Moof: i just found a bug
Moof: i am almost there
Livestock: GOD DAMNIT YOU LET THAT BUG GO
Moof: brb i have to go to the dog store
Livestock: ARGH
Moof: wait i mean the golf... course.... yes...
Livestock: MOOF I'M GETTING IN MY CAR AND I'M DRIVING TO STOP YOU
Livestock: THAT IS MY PICTURE
Livestock: MY PICTURE
Moof: the dog ate my bug :(

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff