Daily Dirt

Awful Articles

GO EAT A BUG

Originally I was just going to write another review of merchandise from the Bradford Exchange website, which I tend to do when I'm short on inspiration. However, as I started writing it I lost control and ended up going in a wildly different direction, which I hope you enjoy. I let the randomness of the items listed there guide the narrative to a really dumb story. Even though you probably won't like it I do not care since I enjoyed writing it and all I care about is myself. Ever since I was a kid I've had to look out for Yours Truly, since no one else would. Well, here I am, suckers, working in the big show after nobody thought I'd ever amount to dirt. Joke's on them! Joke's on all ya'll fools.

On Dogs and Horses with Tom "Moof" Davies

Moof: dogs is maneless horses
Livestock: moof i think there is more to it than that
Moof: nope there is not
Livestock: well moof there is a lot more to it a lot
Livestock: now i know you think you're right in this matter but you are not
Moof: i dare you to name something else then
Moof: i dare you
Livestock: okay i will
Livestock: are you ready
Moof: i am
Livestock: hooves
Livestock: i believe the move is yours
Moof: dogs have hooves
Livestock: no they most certainly do not
Moof: THEY DO
Livestock: THEY DO NOT
Moof: why dont you check right
Moof: now
Moof: i will wait
Moof: why dont you go and check
Livestock: okay i will go examine a dog
Moof: ok i will wait
Livestock: moof i have returned and i am pleased to report that dogs do not have hooves
Moof: hmmm
Moof: perhaps i need to do some more research
Livestock: perhaps moof
Moof: livestock dogs is maneless hoofless horses
Livestock: there is more to it than that moof
Moof: nope there is not
Livestock: no moof i think there is
Moof: you are wrong then
Livestock: no i am right
Moof: nope actaully (you are wrong)
Livestock: moof you are not right
Livestock: and i am not wrong
Moof: livestock what you just said is not right
Livestock: what you just said is wrong
Moof: i am going to punch you in the nose
Livestock: here is something to consider moof that will prove me right and you wrong
Livestock: when was the last time you saw a dog tunnel
Livestock: and when was the last time you drove over a horse tunnel
Moof: i am sure dog tunnels exist
Livestock: no they do not
Moof: to answer your question i drove over the horse tunnel this morning
Moof: whenever i drive over my radio goes fuzzy
Moof: and my watch stops
Livestock: moof do you ever black out
Moof: sometimes i black out for what seems like a few seconds but in reality several hours have passed
Livestock: moof what do you think is happening
Moof: i dont want to talk about it over the internet
Livestock: i understand
Livestock: i will contact you on a secure line
Moof: okay good

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff