I know he has no idea who I am, but I'd like to congratulate Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka and his wife of 30-some years, Megan, on the birth of their first baby. Although I strongly urged them to name the baby "Johnny Specter," they settled on something less desirable. Anyway, I sincerely hope your child was not born with a terrible and unspeakable gift for manipulating and controlling raw terror. I wish all three of you the best and hope you enjoy the three crates full of Mexican jumping corn I'm shipping you.

After seeing "Land of the Dead" over the weekend, it occurred to me that while I like zombie movies, they are horribly uncreative. I never really thought much about it until then. It's always "we're in here, they're out there. Oh, shit, now they're in here too!" And then man-eating ensues. That's all well and swell, but there has go to be someway to get passed the "we're in here, they're out there" initial scenario, thus transcending the zombie genre to new heights. But anyway, I felt like writing something silly for a change so I took that premise and made it about an annoying family.

The one thing that always worries me when writing updates like this is that I'm ripping somebody off. I usually get that way when I write those silly sci-fi short stories, thinking I'm doing some joke that probably got done on "Futurama" or elsewhere. This week I worried I was going to inadvertently rip-off "Shaun of the Dead," which I have yet to see. Anyway, I doubt I did. Hopefully this was funny, if not then GO EAT A BOAT.

Last week I did a brief Awful Link of the Day write-up for a website called Lorien Trust, which was the Internet home for a live action role-playing club. In my mind, dressing up in a tunic, putting on your homemade chain mail, and arming yourself with a foam-covered bat (it's a sword, mom!! jeeze!!) and fighting your friends is all part of that lovely process called "losing your mind."

Now in reality I could care less if people go out and make themselves into fools, because it has zero impact on my quality of life. However, what does improve my quality of life is humor, and I sure as hell find these people funny. In that regard, I will mock them.

It's very simple. You are dressing up in half-assed medieval clothing, pretending to be a hobbit wizard or a dark elf census worker or whatever, all while awkwardly play fighting with your nerd friends in public. If you can honestly take yourself seriously doing that, well, then you are criminally insane and deserving of all the mockery in the world +3.

I got a few e-mails in response to my write-up, and thought I would share them for your benefit, perhaps opening a much-unneeded dialogue with the LARP community.

I think this first guy is probably used to speaking Elvish, so forgive his pitiful grasp on the concept of communication.

From: Scottyo

dood I goto teh lorien trust LARP events and it is cool and not just like 10 people more like 10,00 P.S why does forum sign up cost money??

Our forums cost money for the express purpose of preventing you, Scott, from ever posting. Here's another one that's slightly less incoherent!

From: Jenkins, Philip S

Ha ha, very funny, very informative, very wrong.

If where such sad pathetic lossers, why is it that your site is advertising Hentai and Dating Sims, you sad pathetic bastards who can;'t take what would be comming to you if you didn't charge $9.95 for posting rights. If you really want to poke fun at people, have the decence to let them poke back.

We advertise Hentai and dating sims because we don't take ourselves that seriously and because those things help us afford to buy hookers and blow, two loves you'll probably never get the chance to experience firsthand, young man. Also try running a forum with 60,000+ registered users, 2,000 of which are online at any given time, and pay for that out of pocket. That would seriously cut into your foam rubber armor budget, which would lead to the horrifying prospect of actual physical pain, aside of course from the painful exertion that comes from running frantically away from a man sandwiched between two old mattress pads before he manages to yell "lull!" at you. But hey, I'm printing your letter online so you are poking back, my friend! Poke back some more if you want.

From: Dave Kibblewhite

Hi Livestock,

Since your website provides me with minutes of free entertainment every day while I slack off at work I won't throw any obscenities or death threats at you. After all, I laugh when your slagging off other people's stupid hobbies, so it would be pretty hypocritical to flip out when it's my hobby on the receiving end.

Now I've been playing in the Lorien Trust now for 4 years (I'm now 23), and I have a few things to say.

First off, the LT's website is absolutely awful. It's like they went out of their way to make larping look lame.

Secondly, dressing up as elves and goblins and stuff is a nerdy thing to do. Your're dead right there. It's still a hell of a lot more fun in my opinion than many more grown up or mainstream hobbies though.

At the LT, there aren't two dozen people. Multiply that figure by one or two hundred and you're about right. Not all of these people are overweight, not all of these people have acne. The male:female ratio is probably a lot lower than you think as well. And I've never seen a set piece made out of cardboard at the LT, they're usually of a very high quality so that's a very unfair comment to make.

All and all, this guy isn't too bad. I mean at least he's not taking it seriously and beating his pillow with a Nerf bat in frustration of the Internet ne'er-do-well that insulted his honor. Honestly, I'm not out there stopping anybody from doing this, I'm just pointing out that by doing it they look silly.

Here's another wordy response from a true diplomat.

From: Adam Schemanoff

I am a Live Action Role Player in the Lorien Trust system and this post greatly offends me. Mainly because of just how wrong you have gotten it. I don’t really care about being called a “nerd” or “geek” etc… the have often found these types of people that throw these comments around are also the types of people that are under educated and will spend the vast majority of there lives working in dead end jobs with little or nothing to show for there life’s.

I would however like to put the record straight for you. I not only go to LARP as a hobby but I also run a LARP weapon’s practice group. We teach people how to fight with LARP weapon’s witch takes a fare amount of skill. It help’s to keep my member’s fit, it great fun and best of all it builds confidents. My group consists of people from 11 to 36, 4 different ethnic groups, a number of members with disabilities and males and females. We have people from both well off and under privileged areas. It truly brings people together. It also build’s confidants in our young people, something that running or playing on a computer game can never do.

There is an estimated 20,000 within the UK alone who actively participate in LARP. The Article that you aloud to feature on your web site is insulting to every single one of them.

I am a LARPer and it is something fantastic!

Okay, you're right. I was going to sell you short as just being a nerd, but when you added in that you're a nerd who teaches other nerds to be nerdier, I realized I was a fool. I applaud your efforts in the UK to teach chavs and other disadvantaged people how to happy slap each other while clad in foam rubber armor and armed with fake swords. I have no doubt that the Queen herself will have you knighted (don't get scared, the ceremony involves an actual sword, but it's safe) for your selfless work. I take back everything bad I said about LARPing from this point on, thanks to you, Adam the Charitable!

Livestock: Do you want to go into business with me?

Moof: Okay.

Livestock: We're going to get a bunch of Saint Bernards, okay?

Livestock: And then we're going to put cameras in those little barrels around their necks.

Livestock: And we'll train them to look up skirts.

Livestock: And well post the videos on a website.

Moof: They won't do that.

Livestock: Why not?

Moof: They are too honorable.

Livestock: Not if we get them drunk first!

Livestock: Anyway all you have to do is supply the money.

Livestock: And help me train these dogs to look up dames' skirts!

He changed the subject after that, because I think he is afraid of becoming too successful.

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff