The History and Future of Very Annoying Music
1969 a.d. JOHN LENNON CREATES GANGSTER RAP.
The Vietnam War was taking place, and John Lennon needed for people to pay attention to him, and not it. That was a mighty task to accomplish, so he decided he would become the figurehead OF the Vietnam War. Brilliant? Yes. However, people have horribly misinterpreted the concept of the resultant song. He meant "Give PIECE a Chance," as in encouraging people to take their guns out and put a couple hollow points in Charlie. Luckily, NWA discovered the true meaning of this song one night whilst Dr. Dre had a sťance with John Lennon in his backyard. Lennon said "These faggoty liberals don't get it. I was trying to tell them to put on their ski masks and go to town! You gotta represent Compton the real way, Dre." Music hasn't truly been about love since.
1981 a.d. THE STRAIGHT EDGE MOVEMENT IS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.
One cold night in Pasadena, California after a show at a local VFW Hall, Minor Threat frontman Ian MacKaye was smoking a cigarette in an alleyway behind Johnny Wu's XXX Asian-Swedish Massage parlor. Oddly enough, it was still open at 4 in the morning, and a few men were conspicuously waiting in line outside in Umbro soccer shorts and flip-flops. Ian MacKaye had no interest in an Asian-Swedish massage, but he calmly leaned against the pay phone and relaxed with his Camel Wide. Much to his chagrin, four fans from the show approached him and excitedly quipped, "You're FUCKING Ian MacKaye man!!! You are our idol. Can we please smoke a joint with you?" Ian was almost persuaded, and he nearly accepted the invitation, when he noticed a very large hepatitis boil, snot-green and gushing enough pus to drown a pregnant silkworm, on one kid's lips. He didn't want to be rude, so he said, "No thanks guys. I am gonna run in here and get an Asian-Swedish massage. I'm caving in to my primal sexual hunger, and I don't think you guys could help me with that. I'm fucking horny, man."
Now, Ian is notorious for never saying anything humorous in his entire life, so a statement like that, delivered in a deadpan, almost 100 percent serious manner, is bound to bring out the homosexual urges in someone, especially someone who already views him as an idol. The boy with the herpetic lesion (in reference to Ian saying he was fucking horny) leaned forward and said, "You too?" Mistaken by the sound -- and at this point very uncomfortable to be around these kids -- Ian said, "Oh yeah. U2 is quite the band." He just wanted the kids to leave him alone.
Undaunted, three of the fans insisted that Ian should smoke weed with them, while the other fan was trying to lure Ian into the alleyway so he could use the pus from his lip sore as lubrication while performing fellatio on him. Ian hit a boiling point and said "GUYS! I have a big test tomorrow in geopolitics! I'm not going to do drugs with you. I don't do drugs or drink." He then broke his cigarette and threw it. As he was walking away, he looked at the boy with the simplex stargate opening on his lip, and he added "Also, I don't have sex. Especially with guys who wanna fuck U2. I'm in a band like them, and I never knew male groupies could get so bad. Consider me The Straight Edge." He then hocked a loogie on the XXX part of the 'Johnny Wu's XXX Asian-Swedish Massage' sign and walked away. His spittle dripped down the sign, as the kids urged a man in basketball shorts to snap a photo of them in front of it. Then they made pamphlets about not drinking, doing drugs or having sex. And that picture next to Ian MacKaye's loogie became the cover of the pamphlet. A movement was born, and up to this moment, until I blessed you with this fascinating nugget, no one could ever understand how the fuck not drinking and doing drugs was ever connected with not having sex, in the form of a movement. Now you know. Xyou'reXwelcomeX
1985 a.d. EDDIE MURPHY MAKES US PARTY ALL THE TIME.
Neil deGrasse Tyson, the greatest contemporary astrophysicist alive, delivered this commencement speech to graduates at Austin University in 1993.
"The Moonlit Sonata by Beethoven has always been one of the more sullen, melancholy pieces of music I have turned to in moments of deep panic or anxiety. While I was studying at Harvard and being mentored by Carl Sagan, the daily tedium of astronomy, and the racism projected onto me by local Cambridge drunks, was enough to make me want to toss it all out of the window and get a job wrapping presents at Service Merchandise. It was a terrible struggle for me. I played Beethoven to no end, but similar to heroin, it stopped producing an effect. I hit a real low when I was studying advanced number theory, and in a moment of attempted relaxation and focus, Beethoven became completely vapid. It was over. The Moonlit Sonata could get me into Harvard, but graduating? Not so much.
I stood outside in the pouring rain, demanding that God give me music to help me in my studies. As I was screaming at God (in whom I don't actually believe -- referencing Him just helps push this striking narrative forward), a homeless man approached me and asked me if I would like to buy an unopened package of Easter Peeps. He told me he had a boat that ran out of gas, and he was selling his daughter's only Easter Peeps as a way to fill his gas tank. In his boat. That was apparently parked at Sharky's Pizza Bar in downtown Cambridge. Nowhere near the water. I told him "No."
He then pulled out a copy of Eddie Murphy's first official pop album. I said to the young gent, "How much would you like for that Eddie Murphy CD?" He said, "$1." Sold. I took it inside and immediately skipped to the song "Party All the Time". Suddenly, I closed my eyes, and I saw a chubby toad in a tuxedo and a top hat, dancing on a piano with a marble cane. He was singing "My girl wants to party all the time!" while spray-painting Mihilescu's theorem on an endless blue sky of transcendental numbers, cyclotomic fields and perfect powers! I walked into the Dean of Harvard's office that night and completed the next three years of my schooling in 45 minutes while eating coffee cake and singing Eddie Murphy. Who the fuck is Beethoven? Who knows? I know. He's not Eddie Murphy. Deaf people can't play animated donkeys, and they cannot increase your intelligence quotient. Sell-outs. Anyway, the point in all of this, is that actors and athletes can also make brilliant music. It just requires hitting a wall to appreciate it.
Thank you for your time, NT." (He spoke this aloud.)