Surviving War in Iraq
Step Two: Human Shields Work For You Too!
President Funnyface prepares to enjoy some hot chow. Oh George, I can't stay mad at you!
How many cop movies have you seen where a criminal grabs a hostage and holds them in front of himself to prevent police from shooting him? That's a rhetorical question. It never works in the cop movies because the criminal is either up against Robocop or just some ballsy cop with a quick trigger and good aim. The problem isn't that the idea isn't sound, the problem is that the criminal never takes it far enough in the movies.
Tie hundreds of civilians and Iraqi prisoners to yourself, hot glue them to the surface of tanks and Humvees, and when that just isn't enough combine the protective flesh of hundreds of human shields with a mechanical exoskeleton to create a protective battledroid. Live and screaming human shields aren't just for personal and vehicular use either! Use them to reinforce weak points on buildings or just pile them up as an impromptu fortification and drop a 50 caliber machinegun on top of them.
Saddam's favorite food is film reels of beheadings he ordered.
Alternately you can use a number of different domesticated and wild animals when humans are not available. Fashioning a coat and slacks from several dozen live turtles is rewarding both emotionally and literally. Terrapins of adequate size can deflect up to 7.62mm ammunition at ranges over 100 yards and provide excellent protection from shrapnel. Whole hogs are a bit larger and more difficult to work with but they are much more obedient than hippies and, when killed off by enemy fire, can provide a delicious meal for several days.
Lastly there is always the potential psychological effect the use of human shields will have on your opponents. Lash dirty hippies to yourself and Saddam's forces won't hesitate to rain fire down on you, but surround yourself with their very own children and they might think twice. Without the luxury of satellite guided bombs and laser guided missiles the Iraqis have no ability to distance themselves from the reality of blowing away their kids with an Ak-47 or a tank gun. They might see little Johnny or Sally tied to your shins and hesitate, just for a second, allowing you to paint them with an artillery designator and send thirty rounds of HE crashing down on their primitive heads before they can even remember their kid's birthdays.
Step Three: Liberation Not Domination
Feel the freedom warming your face?!
Yeah, they even wrote letters personally to George W. Bush asking him to kill their children in their beds at night as long as they could be sure that Saddam did not have any more weapons of mass destruction. They really are quite a bunch of charmers. The way they wrote impassioned essays about how they just want to enjoy peace and freedom and an America free of the incredible terrorist threat of obsolescent Eastern-bloc tanks and missiles that travel almost all the way to the border of Israel. They promised that no matter how many of them burned, bled, or starved to death that they would never even think of taking up arms against our noble country.
Remember these charitable people of Iraq as you perform your mission for the United States. You want to be on their good side and the best way to accomplish this is by leaving as many graves as possible between the Kuwaiti border and the ruins of Baghdad.
Trust me, that building had it coming.
If you're ever not sure of what to do in a situation then I suggest you immediately pull out a radio and tune to any AM station where a radio show host will enthuse and illuminate on exactly how badly the Iraqi people want to explode for liberty! They are literally bursting with democracy! Their carcasses are churning with freedom! It is a proven scientific fact that when you crack an Iraqi's skull open with a 5.56mm NATO round liquefied U.S. Constitution will spray out in a fountain and a pulsing lump of the Bill of Rights will be flung against a nearby wall. Test for yourself, they won't mind, they are positively bonkers about being freed from the shackles of Saddam's oppression.
Still not convinced?! Over 70 percent of the United States population now believes that blowing up the cities of Iraq will create a toehold for American brand democracy in the Mid-East. In completely unrelated news over 85 percent of the population of the United States tuned in to the season finale of "Joe Millionaire".
You are now ready to survive the war in Iraq! In all seriousness I personally think this whole thing is about as pragmatic as building a house out of sugar cubes and ants, but a number of my friends are ex-military and a number of our Forum-goers are over there fighting right now. Because people I know could potentially experience sudden and violent death I hope they make it home safely. I think there is honor and courage in the act of going to war when your government commands it; I just feel it is unfortunate that our government chose to command it.