Mico Sex

Girl, you don't love me, you just love my assless poodle suit.

Cosplay - or "Costume Play" if you are a constable or member of the British aristocracy - is not really that new of a concept. Ever since the first caveman put on a caveman cop outfit and sex arrested his cavewife the world has known that costumes can be an exciting and fun way to spice up bedroom activities. Even during the prudish 1950s, when it seemed all color had drained from the face of America as if it had seen a giant red ghost, people were still willing to don the Superman cape and fire their "heat vision" at "Lex Luthor's" secret "vagina". Since that time cosplay has exploded in popularity from furries to fetish clubs and nowhere is cosplay bigger than in the sexually confused hole in the wall we've all come to know and love called Japan.

"Mico Sex" kicks things up a notch like a wet and spurting Emeril equipped with oscillating clitoral stimulators and bowls of dog food in place of his usual compliment of ramekins and filet knives. A single woman (I am presuming her name is Mico) dons four different crotchless and assless animal costumes and behaves as if she were that animal. It's all very realistic as long as you're like me and believe that a wild cheetah would attack a hunter by allowing him to ejaculate in its hair. If you intend to watch "Mico Sex" keep telling yourself that it's simulated bestiality, because the alternative is that you're watching furry porn, and by god that's just not American.

Mico wants to know if you see any broccoli on her tongue.

The film begins innocently enough with a woman in a poodle costume exposing her flaring asshole to the camera while she eats dog food out of a bowl. Oh, did I say "innocently enough"? What I meant to say was "horrifyingly enough". While poochy chows down on her delicious dinner of Bonemeal-Os and milk a chubby guy watches from a couch. Once she has crunched down enough of her delicious food he calls her over and they play with a chew toy. That's not a double entendre, they literally play with a dog's chew toy. Then she licks his face for a minute or two so that she can demonstrate that even when emulating a dog it is not possible to kiss worse than Japanese porn stars normally do. At least when you're panting and licking like a dog you don't hack up a loogie and drool it into your hump chums stubble-rimmed sushi aperture.

Pound Puppy Mico becomes excited by her lapping and she begins grinding the leg of her human pal. This segues into a protracted fingering and dildoing exercise that quickly grows tiresome. Then it takes a turn for the surreal as Mico begins ejaculating from her vagina, a phenomena that really badly needs a fucking Snopes article. Is it actual sexual effluent? Is it planted fluid like a water or syrup mixture? Is it urine? I think we can rule out the last of those three in the case of Mico unless she has a particularly horrifying infection that causes her urine to look like thinned out hand lotion. Following several blasts from the mystery machine we get a routine series of sexual positions that culminate in a facial. Oh, before I forget, she also gives him a thorough rimjobbing; MERRY CHRISTMAS!

This kitten has claws!

The next sequence follows similar lines as the first, with Mico clad in a strategically missing cat costume that is jarringly believable in the same sense that Harry Turtledove's "World War" series is a jarringly believable account of World War II. Remember when Hitler dropped an atom bomb on the reptilian invaders of earth? Remember when cats had hot pink fur and wore huge silver boots? Yeah, me too! Instead of the chubby dog owner in the previous scene Mico is now paired up with a slovenly factory worker trying to enjoy a beer and a meal after a hard day's work. Instead he ends up hand-feeding his cat beer, then spitting beer in her mouth, and then engaging in one of those fucking horrible eyes-closed-tongues-flailing-spit-flying-stubble-greasing-pore-seeing-drool-swapping kissing interludes that I fucking pray I have mocked enough to be considered infamous by now.

The remainder of the scene is functionally identical to the previous one; just imagine slightly different angles of entry and semen trajectories. The rimjob portion is "mercifully" limited to thirty seconds or so. Much as in Harry Turtledove's books the sex scenes in this film tend to leave me feeling queasy and vaguely embarrassed for the people responsible.

Your eyes are not deceiving you.

After the dog and the cat scenes I was left wondering what other animals they would cover. I assumed the cheetah would be one of them since Mico is pictured in the cheetah body paint on the DVD's front cover. A monkey? Nah, probably not sexy enough. A dolphin? That's a little too creepy. A bunny? Ahh, now we're talking. It's got to be a bunny costume.

BZZZZZZZT. Whoops, looks like my bunny prediction turned out to be wrong, because Mico comes out wearing yellow scuba fins, a black and white vinyl suit, and a hat with a big yellow bill. The movie was faking with a left hook of bunny costumes and then nailed me with a hard right in the form of a penguin suit. Of course! It was so obvious! How many things could be sexier than a penguin? If your answer is greater than zero deduct a point from your final score.

Mico waddles around uncomfortably with a very sad expression on her face. I would advise her to look away from the camera with those pleading eyes of hers. She got herself into this mess, she can't expect me to get her out of it after eating those two guy's assholes like that. A man in a wife beater inserts a remote-controlled vibrator into her glistening cloacae and after a minute or so of manipulating it forces her to waddle around some more.

Oh, we got it started, and she done got retarded.

When she does her laps of shame she looks even sadder than before and when the guy makes her sit on a stool and be molested for many minutes she does the best impersonation of someone being tortured by Al Qaeda that I have ever seen. Instead of ending with a Decap Attack, penguin Mico receives the added indignity of having long and unpleasant sex with the older man in the wife beater. By the time he finally deploys the white legion across her face she looks like she is running a dangerous brain fever that is possibly causing permanent brain damage.

The final sequence is exceptional only because it's so non-horrifying when compared to the preceding scenes. Call me a freak - as long as you're not Japanese - but I think women in body paint look extremely hot. It's like they're wearing clothes but they aren't wearing any clothes! This final scene begins with a weary hunter walking through a jungle carrying what looks to be some sort of Heckler & Koch assault rifle. When he reaches a clearing he sits down and does what any tired hunter in the jungle would do; he disrobes down to his underwear. While relaxing with his canteen cheetah Mico approaches through the plastic foliage. The hunter brings his gun up and starts moaning in terror, but Mico is more concerned with brushing up on her gun safety than attacking the hunter.

Gun safety is not a top priority at Jungle University.

After fellating the assault rifle she descends on the hunter, menacing his genitals with her talons. Hey, he's a grower not a shower, cut him some slack. More predictable sex follows. It's worth mentioning that no matter how predatory she acted earlier in the scene once a penis is inside her Mico's Japanese porn star instincts take over and she starts acting like someone is pulling out her toenails. Congratulations cheetah, you earned yourself a hair-matting splash of the baby cocktail!

The Horror: On a visceral level the sight of a beautiful woman licking hairy man-ass is pretty much the most horrifying in the film. However, lots of porn from lots of countries includes this sort of thing, so I am going to give the horror award to the penguin costume. The concept of fucking a penguin combined with Mico's pained demeanor throughout that portion of the movie brings "Mico Sex" and its simmering horror to a rolling boil.

The Bottom Line: I don't really find a whole lot fundamentally offensive about modern cosplay. Many of the costumes are ridiculous, but the people participating in non-sexual and sexual cosplay generally aren't doing anything that would make my monocle fly off. What does make my monocle fly off is acting like an animal. Much like furry costumes it takes things a bit closer to bestiality than I think is healthy, not to mention that there IS something fundamentally disturbing to me to see a woman literally acting like a dog. I hate BDSM porn and this combines the worst of that with an unpleasant parody of the animal kingdom.

Acting: - 6 Story: - 5 Depravity: - 6 Originality: - 7 Erotic Value: - 7 Overall: - 31