Overview: I have been staring at my monitor for about three hours now, eyes bloodshot and encrusted with mysterious substances. I'm no stranger to the awful, but sometimes I come across a game or movie so bad that I almost don't want to joke about it. I should not be writing a comedic article about Surf School. I should be holding a candlelight vigil for all of the brain cells that have valiantly lain down their lives in the line of duty. They didn't even have a chance.
Director: Joel "Raptor Red's New Euphamism for Undesirable Sex Acts" Silverman, 2006
The Case For: They certainly do pack multiple gags into each and every scene!
The Case Against: ...about boners, pooping, and wacky homosexuals.
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Maybe I should be more positive about all of this. Yes!! Another movie where we celebrate high school as the most important part of the human life cycle! Because we learn about genitals in high school!! Gee isn't that cool, a movie about high school and that also talks about genitals??? A whole lot???? And then makes you watch extensive footage of a man detailing the fruits of his labors to his pals?????
There's no shortage of embarrassing movies like this, of course, but Surf School is double-extra-sugarplum-special. It manages, somehow, to take the nauseating but basically infallible Teenage Movie Formula and somehow fuck it up. I mean Raptor Island has cuddly animals, and at least Transmorphers looks like tacky porno if you get drunk enough. Alas, Surf School is a yawning void of creativity, a black hole where mediocre ideas are torn asunder and reborn as beings of pure cliche and tack. *sips chardonnay* I mean for God's sake, the story starts off with a trio of BULLIES standing around scoffing at some MISFITS in HIGH SCHOOL. See, our misfits aren't allowed to go on the CLASS TRIP to Costa Rica because--
SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL SURF SCHOOL!
Oops! There goes the soundtrack, reminding you that you should forget that Joel Silverman wrote this screenplay by jamming a pen into his urethra and waving his boner around! Don't bother trying to follow the plot, because there isn't really one. Everyone is immediately in Costa Rica, where they must train vigorously to face the bullies in a huge surfing event that hundreds of beachgoers crowd the sand to watch. A surfing event where the contestants are eight dweebs from some miscellaneous American high school. Right.
Oh right, I almost forgot our dynamic cast!
- East Coast: He is a jock who moves from New England to California and hangs out with the so-called "weird kids." I don't know why they're considered weird because compared to the rest of California they're about as colorful as stockbrokers, but we teleport to Costa Rica ten minutes after the movie starts so whatever. Anyway, East Coast's hobbies include boobs and standing around looking determined.
- The Virgin Larry: He is a virgin, which his friends remind him of every thirty seconds. Don't feel too bad for him though, because they also dispense such helpful advice as "masturbate more."
- Mo: Rich white people love collecting minority friends like some people collect Pokemon cards. As the Token Black Guy, Mo is the Edition 1 Charizard of Surf School, with the bullies vigorously competing for the shining ebony trophy of his friendship. He also likes to refer to his blackness frequently in his dialogue, just in case there's an act of mercy from God and the whole audience is struck blind.
- Taz: A teenage male who enjoys sexual intercourse.
- Doris: A pretty goth chick who sits around reading Sylvia Platt -but surely, her elders gasp, you would rather be doing something more meaningful?! Oh no, we didn't mean you could participate actively in the storyline! We meant something like, as the screenplay puts it, "showing some support for the boys"? Fuck yes Doris wants to show support for the boys, especially by transmorphing into a blond, squeezing into a tiny bikini, and completely changing her personality into a slut that seduces the other surfers in order to distract them!! Then she will announce that it has made her happier than anything in her entire li-- Jesus H. Christ excuse me while I go sacrifice some menstrual blood to the Moon Goddess, this shit is unreal.