The Advanced Beginner's Guide to Farming
Greetings fine ladies and gentlemen of the Internet. I am happy to announce that the massive undertaking to craft the follow-up to the hugely popular "A Beginner's Guide to Farming" is complete. A team of farming experts around the world worked hand-in-hand to compile every facet of farming information. A large workforce of 5,000, mostly consisting of Mexican and Chinese origin, labored day and night under harsh working conditions. Malaria, cave-ins, and being whipped to death by cruel slave masters were common occurrances during the perilous construction. 100,000 tons of concrete were used for the body of this article as well as 15,000 tons of steel and iron for the framework and mechanics. This article is dedicated to the lives of the brave men, women, and small children who perished during its construction. Now without further ado, let us continue our journey in the wild and wonderful world of farming!
I want to start off by going over some of the success stories from the first edition of this comprehensive guide to farming. These folks were tired of their boring, unsatisfactory lives in the big city and followed my guide to start a new life as a farmer. Hearing these testimonials warms my heart and gives me joy that I am making a difference.
Name: Mark Emmons
Former Occupation: Business Associate
"After reading "A Beginner's Guide to Farming" I was really gung ho about making the change. I was sick and tired of my well paying yet demoralizing job and my whore of a wife, so I moved to Indiana and started my very own farm using Frolixo's article as a blueprint for success. Soon I had rows of corn and dozens of pink piglets. Unfortunately, I didn't make any money farming and ended up having to convert my barn into a brothel, as well as sell my body for cash. Even though I now have every single STD known to man, I am happy to be a farmer. Thanks, Frolixo!"
Name: Jerry Franks"I was laid off for the sixth time in ten months when I read "A Beginner's Guide to Farming." I was ready to try anything new so I decided to give it a chance. Let me tell you, it was the best decision of my life. Now that I own my own farm, I'm the boss around these parts, and the animals must follow orders or get "the axe." My rules are hard, yet fair. One day soon when my farm empire grows into a mighty power, I will return to my former employers with a legion of beasts at my command. The pigs, chickens, and cows will wade through the blood of my enemies. Then I plan to hunt down everyone that picked on me in high school. Thanks, Frolixo!"
Former Occupation: IT Technician
No, thank you! Without the patronage of readers like you at home, none of this would be possible. In the last edition we covered the basics of farming. Now we will be going in depth about farming equipment, crops, animals, and various important tips. I must reiterate that if you simply skim this article, your farm will be a failure, your life forfeit, and everyone you know and love will be mysteriously smothered with a pillow during the night. Enjoy!
A Foreword by Willie Nelson.
First of all, I want to thank Frolixo for having the motivation and insight to make this possible. With him, there is hope that the new generations will carry on the honorable tradition and humble pursuit of farming. You know, I've been playing farm fundraiser concerts for over 200 years now, but I can only reach a fraction of the people Frolixo can with his Internet typewriter. Farming is the backbone of this great nation and personifies the grit, determination, and values of America. Please don't let the corporate farms take charge of what food we eat; give Frolixo whatever he needs to fight the good fight, no matter how strange the request may be. Even if he asks for expensive sports cars, an intimate night with your mother, or your firstborn child, it is all part of his complex plan to save the farms. Take it from me, I'm the real Willie Nelson, and not some cheap Willie Nelson knock-off that Frolixo found sleeping under the stairs at the mall, forcing me into slavehood with his Irish magery. God Bless.
Advanced Crops: The World Is Yours.
Thanks, Willie. Now let's take a detailed look into some advanced levels of crops. This is the most important area of farming, and tastes are constantly changing in this fast paced environment. Corn was once the biggest crop going, but since the disco era it has been on a sharp decline. People these days don't want to sit at home munching on a bowl of corn while watching Nightline, they want to be out having a good time! That's why we are going to cover the biggest selling cash crops on the market to insure your farm / heavily guarded compound is a great success.
Marijuana: Speaking of Willie Nelson, this crop is just about the hottest thing going. In fact, pot, or "Mary Jane", has surpassed the value of gold in weight. Just about everybody these days are "toking it up." But be warned, this plant is not the easiest to grow, and it can be very frustrating. There is a golden rule in the pot growing business: "never get high on your own supply." This is because after smoking you'll tend to get lazy and eat Better Made potato chips while playing Sega's NHL 94 for two days.
Mushrooms: They call it "gnome's toadstool," and while it may not be as big a seller as the other crops, it can be one of more fun ones to grow on your farm. Cow nimbus is the most important ingredient when growing mushrooms, and you need to make sure you feed your cows only the best grains to ensure their droppings are rich with essential nutrients. Once the fungi has grown to a desirable size, harvest them and reap the profits. The only downside is that your farm animals may eat them while you're not looking and totally get this "Jesus complex" for like, 4-6 hours.
Heroin: The blossom of the poppy is indeed beautiful, but it also holds a most intriguing and valuable secret within its juices. A few acres of poppy plants can yield a farmer pounds of raw heroin that can be carted off to your converted barn / lab for production, ready to be pumped into the arms of emo teens everywhere. Without this wonderful crop, we wouldn't be blessed with such great films as "Trainspotting," "Basketball Diaries," and "Requiem for a Dream." Also called "the artist's candy."
Cocaine: I really don't know how to grow this stuff but I'm pretty sure it comes from a cocoa plant in South America. That means that if you want to become a cocaine farmer, you have to be willing to relocate into the savage, dense jungle. Sound like a pain? Well it is, but on the upside, you see a lot of these farmers driving around in gold Cadillacs and hanging around chicks with big boobies. Who says the life a farmer isn't glamorous?
Cotton: It's back! After taking a huge fall in popularity after 1864, cotton has been steadily climbing to the top of the crop charts. Southern plantations are opening up their doors once again, offering places to work the for throngs of disadvantaged inner-city folk in a program specially made by the Bush Administration. It's called "Cotton for Care" and is set to replace the welfare and food stamp system that has been the Republican party's target for a long time. In exchange for a 14 hour day of picking cotton, the landowner will provide the worker with shelter, three meals a day, and clothing. While the worker is enrolled in the program, they are prohibited to vote or leave the grounds and are allowed two hours of private time a day to play the drums and dance around. Just think, you could be the next cotton king!
Whatever Ho: A Deeper Look into Farming Equipment.
What good is a farm without the equipment to reap its sweet rewards? It's about as useless as a three legged pig at a square dance, yesiree. In the past you might have recalled me distrusting the newfangled robot reaper machines, thinking it was a Japanese plot to capture America's food and shoot it into the sun. Well I haven't changed my position, and I have reliable sources (Franklin the chicken) that they are planning a large anti-farm offensive this Fall with a newly constructed task force of three carriers, four battleships, and eight light cruisers. Take my advice, only use American-made tools like shovels and hoes, and although it may take you 100 times longer to tend your fields, you won't be rotting in a bamboo cage on some godforsaken island where you're tortured periodically. I wanted to talk a little more about these tools but I'm just not in the mood today. Sorry.
Advanced Pig Competition.
One of the most important skills you must know to be a respected farmer is to raise blue ribbon pigs. Winning a blue ribbon for a hog is farming's version of winning the Daytona 500. You must combine a innate sense of swine logic with proper breeding methods, not to mention a lot of food. Sound easy? It's not! Competitive pig events can be some of the most intense, emotional events you will ever see. Skullduggery is common amongst the more unscrupulous of contestants, and more than one hog has been known to take a pipe to the knee in parking lots at night. Stories have even been told of judge's decomposed bodies turning up in troughs after giving some bad scores to some rather upset farmers, although this is probably just old wive's tales. When preparing your pig at one of these competitions, whether it be a State Fair or just country, it's always good to remember the three P's of pig competions: Posture, Pleasing stink, and Pink hue. But I must warn you once again, beware of the zombie children who are attracted to the blue sheen of the ribbons handed out. They will steal your awards and bite your pig, transforming it onto a zombie pig within days and reducing your reputation among your fellow gentleman farmers.
Once you win your first pig competition and successfully harvest one of the crops outlined above, you are ready for expert farming. Unfortunately, that article has just begun production and will not be ready for another six months. Until then, keep the dream alive, and never give up, unless of course you really want to, or are too lazy. Happy farming!State Og: Miss Og if You're Nasty
Hi there, this is your State Og representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell reporting in. People always ask me why I use this space to write about things completely unrelated to State Og. For some reason that reminds me of the time I got my head stuck in the sand at the beach. I really freaked out, and lost my hearing for about two weeks because of all the sand. It was pretty funny.
Read this week's State Og, and find out more about Appleton Industries, exorcising the devil from your children, and State Og's bankruptcy. Borrowing a term made popular by MacGuyver, I'd say this update is pretty Appledevilbankruptious.