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A Blogostar is Born

Wednesday, August 9, 2006 Update by Josh "Livestock" Boruff

I have traveled far and wide along these information superhighways, visiting mysterious lands filled with both terror and joy. Most often, though, the terrors outnumber the joys by a substantial margin. For every bright light given off in mankind's march through time, there is a shadow cast that stretches far and wide. The Internet, one of the greatest creations in history, exists almost entirely in that shadow. On the Internet, the multitude of failings intrinsic to human nature bubble up from every crack and crevice, waiting to pull innocent and unsuspecting people down into the depths of darkness like some ancient and formless evil. Others make no effort to ignore or evade the danger, instead choosing to pry the floorboards open and venture into the underbelly, unafraid to revel in the muck and mire. Sure there might be a colorful and innocent façade on the surface, but even a pretty surface can be harsh and abrasive, if not slimy and wet with unknown and sinister fluids.

That changed for me this past week when I discovered something that made me truly love the Internet again. I witnessed a light burning so bright that the shadows were sent astray. Right then and there I knew what I would be writing about, and patiently waited all week for the time to come. Now I know that the center of the Internet is not some deep bunker of servers, nor is it a bustling system of pneumatic tubes funneling information from home to home. It is a trailer in rural Georgia, the residence of one Steve Sutton, 40-year-old video blogger extraordinaire.

What kind of exciting lifestyle does Steve Sutton live? Is he a bartender with sordid tales to tell? Does he work in politics and have anecdotes to share giving a behind-the-scenes insight into the workings of our world? Is he a scientist? A rock star? Steve says about everything there is to say about him in this incredibly thorough FAQ:

Q: Who do you live with?
A: My mom, brother, nephew and niece.
Q: Where do you work?
A: I'm currently unemployed.
Q: Are you looking for work?
A: After looking for five years, I gave up.

Steve is not just the everyman living the everyman's life. No, that would be a bold understatement. He is the everyman after giving up on everything. His life is devoid of anything even remotely resembling excitement, adventure, or activity. Yet, paradoxically, he updates nearly every single day with something new to talk about, such as a recent trip to Wal-Mart, an hour spent making "the day's teas," the weather, or the lack of groceries in the trailer. He delivers the news of these depressing little non-events with a sort a resigned frustration that simultaneously makes you depressed and entertained. His voice, which seems to linger on certain words, is soft and soothing, yet robotic and soulless all the same. It is the sound of sleepy humpback whales singing about Linux and Stephen Hawking's voice synthesizer run through a vocoder.

In Steve's world hopelessness is a cage surrounding him, and though he has the key in hand, he chooses to ignore it. The only time he shows some level of excitement is when a television program he likes is going to be on the air. He lights up just a little when he knows "South Park" or "Stargate" will be on, he delights in science fiction and cartoons. While all of this might sound depressing, one cannot help but be enraptured by his valiant lack of a stand against the toils of a life basically free from work and responsibility. It is the perfect window into the life of a real, genuine 40-year-old virgin.

For this reason I believe Steve Sutton is perhaps the greatest human being ever. A being so magical is, in my mind, not the product of some union between two humans, but rather the hatching of a golden egg delivered to us from a universe of enchanted unicorns and centaurs. He is beyond our realm, both in his palpable life of pure boredom, and the excesses of his disappointments. Every day brings new disappointments, and Steve wastes no time nitpicking them apart. Even when good things happen, Steve usually finds a way to find the bad side. There are no silver linings on the clouds in Steve's world, even though he talks about storms and weather in virtually every update.

Do not mistake my words as disdain for Steve, or this entire update as sarcasm. I honestly find the man legitimately entertaining and mesmerizing. He is like a supporting character from a David Lynch movie come to life, that odd eccentric that delights and amazes you with his mannerisms and quirks. Each one of his video blogs drags us deeper and deeper into a near hopeless state of despair, and yet, through the power of his half-hearted attempts at entertaining himself and vivid imagination, we are lifted to glorious heights. It is like being able to see and reach out to the summit of Mount Everest while chained to a cement block deposited in the deepest depths of the Hadal Zone.

Since Steve has done over 100 video blog updates, I'm going to go ahead and share some of the landmarks from the first 50.

Steve begins the series with the day's date as well as the year, "Twenty Oh Six." Steve announces his intentions to start "a little blog," thinking it would be a good idea. Using an old webcam, he spends a minute filming out his window through mini-blinds before turning the camera around to show his boring but tidy room. He then has himself a heck of a time filming his own monitor to dazzle us with a recursive webcam software effect. He then nitpicks his webcam and soundcard and how they displease him. All and all, it was an astounding start to a video blog and made me lust for more.

In Blog 3, Steve introduces the concept of loudly chewing food and smacking his lips in his blogs. He whines about having to do chores, and makes the first reference to "his daily teas," which become an integral part of the series (see Blog 21 for more details on the tea.) Steve Sutton fans will later come to realize he does not dislike water, but simply prefers the sweetness of tea. The level of continuity between the blog episodes is impressive, but given that they are telling the story of his life it is a necessity.

Blog 4 features the first appearance of Steve's fascination with special effects, as he exits the blog via the Tardis from "Dr. Who." Before that he leers at some deliverymen outside his window unloading a mattress, questioning their actions and whether they were bringing or taking a bed.

Steve reflects on the abundance of pictures of himself on the Internet in Blog 5. Steve is quick to argue that, though he is sexy and has the goods, he is not an attention whore. Blog 5 is also critical in that it begins the April Famine. In desperate times Steve is forced to eat a salami sandwich, which does not please him. While a trip to the store would remedy this situation, Steve seems unable to consider this, instead resigning himself to chat on IRC with "the usual crowd."

After a failed attempt to use a new webcam purchased at Wal-Mart in the previous blog, Steve begins Blog 7 by announcing his plans to eat soup that has been sitting in the fridge for several days. He then gets in a melancholy mood due to the lack of television prospects for the evening. Seeking to lighten the atmosphere, he pulls out a broken microscope and explains why it is broken and how he would like to use it again as well as a telescope. Steve, revealing himself to have an inkling toward the sciences, shows that he is more than just a couch potato. He wants to understand the world beyond his tiny bedroom.

Blog 8 puts the critics to rest once and for all, as Steve unveils his plans for supper. "I have a tray of fish sticks in the oven," Steve remarks. "Amazing! There's actually fish sticks in the oven. Preheated to four hundred and fifty degrees Fahrenheit for thirty seven minutes." Steve then introduces his unsettling sense of humor to the series by showing footage of himself eating fish sticks set to triumphant music, with footage of fireworks edited in at the end. If anybody doubts they are watching the work of a true genius now, they are a fool.

Steve lifts the shroud of mystery a little bit more in Blog 10, revealing a few new details about his life. After muttering about the weather, he answers a reader request for more information about himself. Steve reveals his age, the fact he lives in a small city, and his interest in science, space, special effects, and video production.

In Blog 12 we are treated to the first glimpse of Steve Sutton's homemade "South Park" screensaver. Fans of this blog will do well to remember it, especially come the absolutely epic Blog 89.

Blog 13 is a critical edition, for it showcases Steve's VHS collection. No actual titles are named, and the majority of the VHS tapes appear to be tapes he recorded himself. He estimates his collection to be about 250. It is my sincere hope that, upon his death, these tapes end up in a special wing of the Library of Congress dedicated to the pioneers of video blogging.

Steve continues on a roll with an impressive 14th edition of his blog, this one focusing on the fact his mother or brother forgot to remove the shells from the shrimp in his bowl of shrimp and rice. The plot thickens when the Steve from Blog 4 appears in the Tardis and has a conversation with his future self. Present Steve then reflects on the fact he has produced an impressive 14 blogs, remarking that he "just kept coming up with ideas."

After a couple of uneventful blogs that covered such topics as shopping at Wal-Mart and Steve's lack of exposure to the outdoors, which he remedied by looking at webcams of various cities and places, we have the powerhouse Blog 17. Using his special effects expertise and acting chops, Steve takes on the role of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker flying the Millennium Falcon in orbit of his own head. The skit transitions seamlessly to a lethargic discussion on cleaning the bathroom, already in the midst of turning "yellow." Steve then puts on his political cap and shares his belief that George W. Bush is insane and needs to psychiatric care. Viewers take notice: Steve expressed an edgy opinion for the first time.

Blog 19 starts on a sour note, as Steve is really disappointed to find somebody left the bag of bread open, causing the bread to grow a little dry. To add insult to injury, Blog 19 takes place on laundry day. In a rather introspective and troubling note, we learn that Steve has been dreaming about YouTube. Steve dreamed that he had several messages with "DELETED ACCOUNT" as the subject, and that his previous video only had a one star rating and one comment. What little life he has is slowly being uploaded onto the site, leaving nothing for him to do offline.

The debate over DVD and VHS formats reaches its fever pitch in Blog 21. Steve weighs the pros and cons of VHS tapes and DVD-Rs, getting some facts wrong in the process. He makes up for this bungling of the facts by attempting to juggle, which he succeeds at. By success I mean that he fails and that is exactly what we've come to expect.

Blog 25 shows Steve pulling out all the stops. Billing it as the "First Annual Blog Spectacular," we are treated to an opening filled with fireworks, jugglers, animals, and special effects. Then, without warning, the mood changes. Until this point in time the Steve Sutton blog series has been a direct dialogue aimed at the camera. Now, in a sudden and bold artistic shift, Steve takes on the role of director, narrator, and star in a one man show. His sense of humor comes out to shine once more, as he narrates in soothing monotone the consumption of cold spaghetti and the emptiness of his toothpaste bottle.

After some mostly uneventful blogs, including one with a rant about the "Star Wars" special editions, Blog 30 is one of sadness. We learn that Steve's father has passed away. Steve details the events surrounding the funeral in somber fashion, taking time to nitpick the religious undertones of the funeral and his family's annoying habit of trying to shake his hand, hug him, and generally engage in comforting physical contact.

Blog 34 is ripe with conspiracy and drama straight out of ancient Rome. After Steve's mother, brother, niece, and nephew depart for a trip to the mountains, Steve becomes consumed with his brother's dog sitter's clandestine activities. Rather then confront her, he decides to stay in his room and speculate about her activities on the Internet. Then, out of nowhere, a non-animated 3d model of Bart Simpson drifts by. Thus begins Steve's new and strange habit of having conversations and interactions with 3d models of fictional characters.

Steve expresses his desire to learn the art of character rigging in 3d modeling and animation in Blog 35, presumably so that he can animate more characters to be his friends. Steve, prompted by a reader request, then moves on to answering questions about his glasses. We learn that he's had the same pair for 16 years, which is remarkable given how modern they look. I'm surprised his prescription has not changed, but then looking at Steve I'm hard pressed to imagine any sort of change occurring short of physical aging. He then shares with us his favorite "Star Trek" characters before debating whether to have a Hungry Man TV dinner or fish sticks.

In Blog 42 a visibly exhausted Steve Sutton greets viewers in typical "Twenty Oh Six" fashion. The lazy start quickly gives way to trouble as the water pump begins malfunctioning, causing a lack of water pressure to rain on Steve's shower plans. Steve mutters on about water pump problems for awhile before reciting some spam e-mail subject lines. Then, in an important and groundbreaking revelation, we learn more about Steve's mysterious past. In a distant age, Steve was employed as a cashier and greeter at Wal-Mart. Suddenly it almost sort of makes some kind of sense!

Steve, having been asked his relationship history in the previous blog, dodged the question. However in Blog 45 we get a definitive answer. Steve has never had a girlfriend, nor does he want one. He is an asexual and does not have those urges. These answers come following the announcement of a tragedy: Steve's fluorescent light, which he has had since the 1980s, finally died. He vows to put it in the closet for an undetermined period of time before launching into a fussy tirade about the harshness of conventional light bulbs. Riding on the momentum generated by the announcement of new mini-blinds for his window, Steve shares his intentions for a 3d animated video series he plans to launch. Enthusiastic over the storyboards and plot he came up with, he looks forward to bringing it to life.

Steve's soothing voice is not without its edges. In Blog 49 his constant use and over-emphasis of the words "bones" and "mesh" nearly causes the skin to crawl off my back, exposing my sensitive spinal column to a world of hurt. All this talk of bones and mesh has to do with his plans for a 3d animated video series, signaling that the series has hit a major roadblock. Potential 3d modelers and animators should watch this episode, for it contains vital career building information.

Blog 50 sees the debut of the Second Annual Blog Spectacular, the sequel to Blog 25. In this return to the quiet, introspective narrative format, we find Steve staring emotionless at his computer unable to think of a topic. He looks down at a sea if letters and wonders if the keys themselves are laughing at him. Upon this harrowing realization Steve removes his glasses and the camera reveals tears streaming down from his soulful eyes. "The end," he says. "At least for now."

Beyond his video blog, Steve has worked on a dramatic series called "Portal," which stars Steve as every character in the series. Seeing Steve act along side himself, donning a variety of costumes, hairstyles, and voices is amazing, because no matter how different he tries to make himself he is still loveable Steve Sutton. Using green screen technology (a green sheet), he trades in the cage of his bedroom for distant worlds, space ships, and strange settings. The series begins when he finds a portal opening device in his bedroom and gets caught up in a trans-dimensional world of intrigue.

Perhaps in the future I will document the finer happenings of the second block of 50, but I have a feeling just watching these will be enough to drive you mentally insane as it has thoroughly done to me.

Thanks goes to Something Awful Forum Goon Sensurround for introducing me to Steve Sutton and making the Steve Sutton emoticon. He found him accidentally while searching for "Asperger's" on YouTube, which Steve does not actually have to my knowledge.

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff