Caken.com Press Release
The list of SA Server Fund donators will be posted
tomorrow THIS SUNDAY, as I haven't had the time today to go through the emails. Sorry about the delay, but I've been preparing for the following EXTREMELY IMPORTANT press release!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Stile Project and Something Awful Team Up to Support Caken.com
October 10th: Los Angeles, California - Jay Stile and Richard Kyanka, both known in industry circles as "I've never heard of those people before", have teamed up to officially offer support to growing website Caken.com.
"We feel the two plucky webmasters of such a deep and meaningful website like Caken.com deserve every ounce of support we can muster," explained Jay Stile while dumping a particularly moist garbage bag into a nearby trash can. "These budding superstars have a natural gift to offer the world and it would be a crime against humanity if we didn't help expose as many people as possible to their wonderful gift."
Both Stile and Kyanka admit, upon loading up Caken.com for the first time, they were instantly impressed by the intelligence and charisma that was somehow embedded in the exciting website.
"When I first logged onto Caken.com, my mind nearly exploded," Kyanka revealed. "It was like my brain had transcended the mortal plane of existence and moved up to something higher, something holy. I suddenly understood all the secrets and mysteries of the universe and all I had done was look at the photo of the Caken girls wearing Burger King paper crowns with the incorrectly spelled "Buger King" caption below it. I owe these girls an enormous debt, one I fear I shall never be able to pay."
Stile and Kyanka expressed their awe of Caken's daily hard hitting content and intelligent observations, listing the following examples from their website:
"It's like somebody dug Shakespeare's rotting corpse up from his grave, crammed a Speak N' Spell inside his decaying jaw, and created a webpage based off the witty discourse that followed!" Kyanka admitted before being interrupted by an ecstatic Stile.
"Yeah, except it's not really Shakespeare because I looked through my entire photo archive of dead and mutilated people, and to the best of my knowledge, nobody has dug up his body yet," explained Stile. "Although I do have a picture of somebody with a crowbar jammed through their skull."
Both Something Awful and The Stile Project, having received multiple emails from the webmasters at Caken.com begging to let their readers know of the forums they recently opened, plan on extending an open invitation to posting on the official Caken.com forums.
"We'd like all of our readers to do their part by posting as many messages as they'd like to the Caken.com forums. The actual posts don't have to even revolve around any concrete subjects at all - simply posting a message for the hell of it, as the Caken girls do, is sufficient enough," Kyanka continued while searching through his pockets for enough money to afford the bus ride home. "We just want the Caken girls to succeed in their dream of getting 'a hole bnuch of HITS'... and we think by encouraging everybody to post on their forums as much as possible, we're helping that dream come true."
"Yeah, n only loosers spell are there words correctly, so don't bothar even readeing whut u type," instructed Stile. "Just head over to their forums, give them some hits, and post messages until your keyboard wears out."
The Caken.com webmasters sent in a press release of their own, but it could not be deciphered in time to reproduce it with this release.
Leonard "J." Crabs, America's favorite lawyer (although they just don't know it yet), has contributed once again to the might cesspool of content that defines "Something Awful." This time he has written a Guide to Corporate Training, which is the practice of making your business more efficient and cost-effective. Check out these words o' wisdom!.
To cheer up stressed-out employees and boost worker morale, take all your employees to a "special performance of 'Battlebots', just for our company!" Lead them into a dark closet with a large piece of plywood in the center. Throw a stapler and an iron into the middle of the room and shout, "Look at them go after each other! The militant metal machines fight to the death!" After five minutes, bash the stapler into a thousand pieces with a sledgehammer and scream, "You see that? That could be you if you don't cheer the fuck up and start working harder, you depressed little idiots."
Check out the entire guide for yourself!
Diablo 2 is fun for all ages, meaning things like skill and intelligence can be checked at the door. Blizzard wanted to keep the same "Dungeon Hacking" fun of the first, or as I'd like to call "click and bug goes squish," by keeping things simple. Blizzard also eliminated the annoying level loading screens. In its place, they have added a feature they like to call "massive lag" which reminds the players just how meaningless their life is. In addition, enemies get stronger as the number of people in the game increase, which means you will be doing fine soloing somewhere until another person joins the game. Then you will immediately die. Blizzard calls this "increased gameplay" because you will spend the next four hours trying to reach your corpse to get your items back.
Here's mud in your eye, Joel.