Console Wars 2006
It's my favorite time of year, Console War Season! Console War Season is a special time when multiple consoles are released at the same time and the Internet explodes in a fury of rumors, misinformation, and rampant flaming. My favorite thing to do in the whole world is read the GameFAQs message boards for each individual game system before upcoming releases. It is there that the console warriors battle it out on the frontlines to fight for their preferred box of mass produced electronics.
It is your duty as a console warrior to pick one gaming system and defend its honor to the death. The United Nations recently passed resolutions declaring that enjoying and owning more than one game console is a crime against humanity. The U.N.'s stance on this most paramount of issues is final and no one, and I mean no one, just ignores the U.N. Violators of the law will be nagged with letters that say URGENT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR ACCOUNT but instead contain an application for a credit card.
But just what exactly are you fighting for? What follows is a complete rundown of each game console and how it will fare in the upcoming console wars. By the end of this update I will have picked a clear winner in the battle for your living room that your parents pay for and want you out of. Lock 'n load console soldiers! Multi-billion dollar international corporations are counting on you to fight the good fight!
Microsoft Xbox 360
At a Glance: First out the gate, the Xbox 360 attempts to merge the console experience with online connectivity that cannot be beat, until Sony beats them.
Cost: $299 for the "core" package, $399 for the "premium" package, $1,497 for when you finally get one that works for more than six weeks.
Features: Custom-made PowerPC CPU designed by IBM with 3 separate processor cores nicknamed Curly, Larry, and Moe for their efficiency and performance.
20 gigabyte removable hard drive. You can download Natasha Bedingfield videos onto it and buy a larger drive in the future when you run out of room for Natasha Bedingfield videos.
512MB of ram which allows textures that still look shitty up close, at an angle, and when you look at them.
Xbox Live features fully integrated into all games. So when you want to see what your friends are up to while playing a game made in 1980 the console has another opportunity to freeze.
Removable faceplates, because we have to recoup this massive multi-billion dollar debt the first Xbox put us in somehow.
Powerful new emulation technology allows gamers to play all their Xbox favorites! Emulated titles include Catwoman, BMX XXX, Predator: Concrete Jungle, Rocky Legends, Shamu's Deep Sea Adventures, Stake, Zapper, and Halo 2.
All Xbox 360 games must support Dolby Digital surround sound, 4x full-screen anisotropic filtering, and must be displayed at a minimum of 720p resolution. We're serious about this!
Games: Viva Piņata the video game based on Viva Piņata the television series base on Viva Piņata the video game based on Viva Piņata the breakfast cereal.
Verdict: Microsoft took a huge gamble trying to beat Sony to the next-gen gate. Will it pay off or will the Xbox 360 go the way of the Sega Saturn? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Sony PlayStation 3
At a Glance: The company that made video games mainstream, Sony's next-gen console is the only one powerful enough to contain all of Hideo Kojima's baffling Metal Gear storylines.
Cost: More than what you make in a month at GameStop.
Features: 3.2 GHz processor nicknamed "Cell" because developers feel like they are in a jail cell when they try to code for it.
The Cell processor can assign tasks to multiple processor cores freeing up resources for other tasks, you know, like the Xbox.
New wireless PlayStation 3 controller featuring more trigger-like L2 and R2 buttons, and a big PS3 "home" button in the middle, you know, like the Xbox.
The console will come in two flavors, a core package priced at just $499, and a "premium" package priced at just $599, you know, like the Xbox.
A brand new unified online service where players will have just one username across all games, leader boards, a friends list, avatars, and messaging, you know, like the Xbox.
A new version of the Cross Media Bar that will allow users to organize user profiles, view pictures, play movies, music, and more. Users can also download content from the "Marketplace", you know, like the Xbox.
A 20GB hard drive, you know, like the Xbox.
Will probably break the second you take it out of the box and turn it on, sadly, like the Xbox.
Linux comes pre-installed with everything you need to eventually hack the system so you can backup the games you rent from Blockbuster Video.
Sony is set to redefine the way you purchase video games! Buy the base game featuring no content whatsoever and then log onto the Sony Marketplace to buy the rest of the game for at least 300 more dollars! It's what gamers have been waiting for all these years! Add horse armor to your Nissan for only $1.99.
Games: Massive manufacturing problems mean only one title will be available at launch, Folding@home
Verdict: Quite possibly the most anticipated game console of all time, Sony is set to make the PlayStation 3 the Carlos Mencia of video games, stealing his entire act from Dave Chappelle but replacing the word "nigger" with "beaner". See Also: Carlos Mencia Is A Fag by Evan "Puffy Combs" Wade. The PlayStation 3 will enjoy incredible success and break sales records all over the world, you know, unlike the Xbox.
At a Glance: Nintendo sets to revolutionize the video game industry as we know it by shooting lasers at people as they stand in front of their televisions flailing their arms wildly while trying to figure out a new way to make Mario jump through a magic portal to the next world to collect 7 red coins that spell out "SUCKER!"
Cost: Exactly what you make in a month at GameStop.
Features: Named "Wii" because "Wii" are all united in Nintendo's plan to beam Nintendo classics into your dreams where you can play old favorites and have them charged directly to your credit card.
"It's basically a Gamecube with more ram and 100 percent more pointing." -Shigeru Miyamoto, Tokyo Game Show 2006
The console is "always on" and connected to the Internet so your friends can visit your Animal Crossing village, rape Deena the Duck, and then loot her home while you sleep.
High definition video modes NOT supported because, uhm...
All of your Nintendo friends are back in all-new sports titles including Mario Superstar Baseball, Mario Superstar Basketball, Mario Superstar Hockey, Mario Superstar Volleyball, Mario Superstar Football, and Luigi Checkers.
New controller makes you look like a douchebag in front of your
Games: Same old shit.
Verdict: While the Nintendo Wii has some promising features, the PS3 and Xbox 360 beat it for the fact that you don't really have to move your arms that much to use them.
After having reviewed the prognosis of each individual next-generation game console I am ready to announce a winner. This is the console you must defend to the death against all detractors. This is the only console you must own and enjoy.
I, Hassan "Acetone" Mikal, in the year of our lord, 2006, on the 21st of September, in the year of Dog, hereby declares the winner of the 2006 Console Wars to be...
The Super Nintendo!
Friends, the Super Nintendo is the clear choice for the hardcore gamer. Boasting a 3.58 MHz CPU with the ability to do unsigned integer division, the SNES is Nintendo's flagship game console. Also the plastic casing fades to a kind of greenish tint after a decade of owning it. Also my two cats are fighting for the right to sit on top of my monitor. Boy, they're having the time of their lives while you read a crappy Internet article. Really makes you think.
So download the latest version of ZSNES and find all the roms you can before Nintendo puts you in jail for infringing on their Virtual Console scheme where you can download games you already have for $5 a pop. Remember, friends, there's a 24 hour limit for roms you don't own the original to. It's not only the right thing to do, it's the law!
Join us next Console War when the PlayStation 4 goes up against Microsoft's next money drain and Nintendo's next platform to whore their 20-year-old properties in new and exciting ways on. Goodnight everybody!