Fire In the Hole!
Fire is one of mother nature's most destructive forces, an unstoppable power which relentlessly consumes and devours all it encounters in a burning display of unquenchable lust. Think of it as a really warm version of Louie Anderson only not as moist and with much nicer teeth. Oh, and it never hosted "Family Feud" either, although it would be funny as hell if it did. Mankind has been battling the elemental powerhouse known as fire ever since the prehistoric caveman days, as shown by this authentic quote I didn't copy and paste from a reliable bogus news source which I made up and never existed because I'm a filthy liar who runs a website about the Internet:
FIRE BURN CAVE AND ROCKS AND GROUND MAKE BIG SMOKES - SOME GUYS FEARED DEAD
Woolly Mammoth Springs, Big Green Land Near Water And Big Rock: a fire burn cave and some guys feared dead now from this fire burnings. Caveman Gug saids, "WE TRYS TO RAN FROM FIRE BUT FIRE BURNS US ALL" says Caveman Gug. He wife was burning as this news hits the presses. Caveman Gug plan to eats wife in tribute to her baby-sac baby-producing gut that makes babys. Fire burns up Caveman Gug's cave, burns trees in field next to hole that smell bad and makes you hurty when you dump yourself in it, and burns sacred Orchard of Skulls Which Are Not Our Skulls But Rather Skulls of Enemies Who Were Stabbed With Stabbing Sticks Of Ours. Damage is to be estimated at millions of shiny rocks and beads. Fireman Duh says "OW I AM ON FIRE, PLEASE HELP FIREMAN DUH, WE NO HAVE TAXES IN PREHISTORIC DAYS THUS LEADING TO AN UNDERTRAINED AND UNDERSTAFFED FIRE DEPARTMENT, FIREMAN DUH'S ARM FEELS LIKE PAIN OF A THOUSAND CAT BITES!" Fire was raging uncontrolled until tribe moved to new cave with less straw but smells less bad like a big butt.
I had previously planned on scanning this important news article and posting an image here as proof, but a fire just broke out in my rumpus room and burned the newspaper to cinders. You may see actual footage of this fire as well as a dramatic reenactment starring Tom Bosley if you watch "Wildfires Gone Wild!" Tuesday on Fox. This example helps prove my point that fire is bad, being on fire is worse, and mankind is suspiciously susceptible to the infernal inferno's sweet siren songs of ecstasy. If you're stupid enough to still disagree with me and my airtight assertation that "fire = bad," check out the following shocking and inflammatory results of an informal questionnaire I took when most of the people polled were sleeping and possibly not living:
QUESTION #1: Would you liked to be stabbed in the eyes with fire?
89% - No
6% - Yes
5% - Undecided
QUESTION #2: Do you think fire would make a good President?
94% - No
3% - Yes, but only if it ran as a republican
2% - What's a president?
1% - Radiohead
QUESTION #3: If you had to choose between getting burned to death and winning a million dollars, what would you choose?
17% - Winning a million dollars
1% - Getting burned to death
(NOTE: POLL QUESTION HAS A 82% MARGIN OF ERROR)
QUESTION #4: Would you let fire have sex with your wife?
91% - No
3% - Yes / I don't have a wife / my wife is a whore and would have sex with it eventually anyway
4% - Why is 4% ranked below 3% even though it's a larger number?
2% - Because I'm too lazy to switch them
0.00000% - what
Once again, highly important and highly scientific scientific studies have conclusively proven that science, along with studies, has established a direct correlation between mankind's eternal hatred of fire and humanity's inherent fear that if they answer a poll question "incorrectly" I'll start sending them Polaroid photos depicting me making out with their dead relatives. Our society shuns fire and the death, destruction, and delicious flame-broiled hamburgers that it brings, acting much like Frankenstein in the classic self-titled movie "Dracula" who, when confronted with the option of getting burned to death by torches and flaming sticks, remarked, "fire bad, Toyota Corolla good" or something else vaguely along those lines. I think ol' Frankie had the right idea, and if you happen to disagree with me, well then I hope your soul and face are both cleansed by the flames of righteousness currently sweeping the west coast by storm. Er, a storm made of fire that is; like instead of rain falling down there's fire, which is much hotter than water and would probably burn your throat if you tried to drink it. Oh, and wait, the storm doesn't rain down either, it kind of burns upwards, so for all intents and purposes it's like a reverse-o-storm.
Cheap Date Ideas - Teach your date something. Maybe how to drive a manual car - go to a secluded car park, put some soothing romantic music on and teach. You'll have more fun than you might imagine.
Actually this isn't the quote I meant to copy and paste, but it does bring up a valid point: who in their right mind actually considers taking somebody on a date to teach them shifting in a manual transmission automobile? I thought my clever concept of "sitting on the couch and forcing my girlfriend to watch me play Madden 2004" was a lousy date idea, but the whole manual transmission thing just blows it straight out of the water. This helpful suggestion brings back memories of the time my dad tried to teach me manual transmission in the Longview Community College parking lot. He just kind of screeched at me nonstop for two solid hours until I was weeping so much that the number "4" on the gear shift looked like the letter "R" and the truck refused to move in any direction whatsoever. That was the worst Saturday of my life and if I could travel back in time a week ago to erase it, I would. So the next time you're on a boring date and think it can't possibly get any worse, remind yourself that a "professional" dating site actually suggests you and your loved one go out to learn the wonders of manual transmission while John Tesh plays softly in the background. "You'll have more fun than you might imagine." Well I'm imagining "absolutely zero" right now, so I doubt it would be difficult to top that. Anyway, back to the article:
California wildfires wreak havoc - More than 8,000 firefighters were trying to contain at least 10 different fires in the region early Monday. But Dallas Jones, director of the Governor's Office for Emergency Services, said most of the fires were less than 20 percent contained, and some not contained at all. Eleven deaths in San Diego County are attributed to the Cedar Fire, which has grown to 115,000 acres as of Monday, fire officials said. Two people died in San Bernardino in the Old Fire, which has reached 24,000 acres. San Diego schools are closed Monday, and "only the most essential services" will be operating. San Diego Mayor Dick Murphy asked residents to conserve water to provide more for the use of firefighters.
See what I mean? Fire is evil and there's no way anybody can successfully debate this fact without me challenging them in fisticuffs. Try flying to San Diego and presenting your ignorant pro-fire support to a few thousand displaced residents who used to have a house but now have a big lump of black and brown things which I guess are burned boards and window panes and grout and whatever else houses are made out of these days. Those people would find your pro-fire arguments incredulous as best. I'm not sure what the government can do to stop such horrible outbreaks of fire, maybe they can put a tax on excessively high temperatures or make fire illegal; that method always seems to work for California. Even if it doesn't have the desired effect, perhaps it will cause Diane Feinstein to shut up for 20 consecutive seconds, and that's a fantastic thing no matter how you look at it. There are at least 50 reports of uncontrollable wildfires across America every month (I'm guessing), and the only possible positive effect of these wildfires is that through God's eternal grace and will, the entire state of Texas might be engulfed in flames and won't stop burning until some time in the mid-24th century. Oh, and if you're reading this God, please make my rash go away too.
To defeat fire, one must first learn about fire and how it operates in high-pressure scenarios like telemarketing positions or Monday Night Football. The movie "Backdraft," an Academy Award-winning film directed by Clint Howard, explained many important lessons about this deadly beast. For example, it showed me that J.T. Walsh was a character actor who was only able of one role, the part of the evil bad guy who squints a lot. Now that he's dead, I guess he can add the role of "being a dead guy" to his impressive Hollywood resume, although I doubt it will help him get cast in too many upcoming movies, with the possible except of hosting his own UPN series. In order to protect you from the evil entity known as "fire," I have decided to collect and list all the information I know about this wily beast so you, the reader, will have a series of words to look at while your tacky house burns down around you and guys in red raincoats shout encouraging things at you like, "you stupid idiot, get off the goddamn Internet and leave, your house is burning!"
FACT #1: Fire is hot. If fire wasn't hot then it wouldn't be fire; it would be known as something else completely different like "water" or "a desk" or, under certain circumstances, "The Detroit Lions." Fire is so hot that it will undoubtedly burn you if you stick your bare hand in it and shout to your halfwit inbred buddies, "hey guys, watch what I can do, I saw this trick on a TV show last night!" It might even burn your arm if you don't shout that particular string of words; fire does not care about you and will not behave differently no matter what you say to it. People have used fire throughout the ages to cook meals, warm themselves, burn down enemy churches, burn down enemy enemies, and to convince people they should see the latest Jerry Bruckheimer film. Fire reaches temperatures of, shit I don't know, a whole bunch of degrees. If you've got something that's on fire, it's a safe bet that it's also really hot and you should avoid direct eye contact with it. When I write "eye contact" I mean you shouldn't try to viciously rub your cornea against whatever is on fire. You might want to avoid looking at it too, just to be safe, but I don't remember the volunteer fireman giving any advice like that when he visited my junior high school last year.
FACT #2: Fire burns things. It's an uncontrollable beast who survives simply to steal our precious oxygen and convert it into hydrogen peroxide or whatever kind of stupid chemical reaction occurs when fire touches something. Ancient Greek firemen used to say, "where there's oxygen, there's fire," and fortunately that saying never really caught on because not only is it factually incorrect, but it sounds stupid as well. Fire will burn almost everything you own including your computer, wardrobe, cat, chair, pencil collection, pornography magazines, Linkin Park posters, and hair. It will also burn your neighbor's hair. That's just a short abridged list; fire will burn much more than that, so don't get all cocky and think you're so goddamn special because your Miller High Life girl cardboard cutout wasn't on the list and therefore won't be burned. Let me tell you something, bub: she'll burn in hell along with you, so stop acting so smug! The only things fire can't burn are water, outer space, fireproof metal safes, and other fire. If you ever hear anybody say "fight fire with fire," you should probably laugh at them because, hell, what will lighting fire on fire with more fire do? Are we talking about creating recursive flames or something?
FACT #3: You cannot reason with fire. Police pay some guy called a "police negotiator" to "negotiate" with bad guys so they don't shoot hostages or make buses with Keanu Reeves travel at speeds over 50 miles an hour for extended periods of time. Firemen don't have a "fire negotiator" who travels to the scene of a burning blaze and barks commands at it through a comically large megaphone, and this is undoubtedly for a very good reason. "Stop burning down that lumber yard!" the fictional fire negotiator would shout in the general direction of flames. "You're just hurting yourself and you're making it more difficult for me to help you! Quit burning things for a little bit and come over here so we can talk it out, I'm sure we'll be able to get things straightened out!" This obviously wouldn't work because fire lacks ears and a brain that would make it care about some dumbass with a raincoat and megaphone. I don't even know what a fire negotiator could offer a fire; maybe a room full of ripe children made from coal with gasoline for blood, like those delicious Iraqi children who the American army recently blew up in that whole "blood for oil" war or whatever the hell those filthy west coast college hippies called it. Additionally, you should not try to shout racial slurs at fire in an attempt to "psyche it out," because fire does not respond to your juvenile name calling and insults. Besides, I don't even know of any good racial slurs you can call fire.
If you ever encounter something on fire, you should follow these simple instructions:
STEP #1: Scream "oh my god, it's a fire, it's a fire!" while waving your arms around and making comical facial expressions.
STEP #2: I don't know.
STEP #3: I don't know either.
I think one of the steps should involve stopping, dropping, and rolling, or perhaps throwing baking soda and water and yeast on the fire, but I honestly don't remember anything about even the most basic fire safety. This should demonstrate why I'm a webmaster and not a fireman. Wait, actually it doesn't even do a good job demonstrating why I'm a webmaster either. The point I'm trying to make here is that fire is bad and if you encounter any fire on the street, you should "just say no" to it and probably entertain the thought of moving to a better neighborhood, one preferably without talking fire. Well, unless you're a Texan; in that case, I hope you burn in hell with Caveman Gug and Fireman Duh.
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Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams keeping it short and to the point again due to a long weekend. I'm human, I can be tired. And I am. And I suspect you guys really don't care what I type here as long as I post pretty pictures.
Some times, late at night, after I've been awake for a few days and I'm hallucinating that Adam Sandler is walking around the house asking for baking soda, I think about the unholy marriage of machine and animal. Then I smile because the idea of a robot dog is just so cute. Then I realize Sony already did that, the idea stealing bastards. That didn't stop the Goons from coming up with their own animal machine hybrids. STEAL THIS SONY!