Five Tips to Be a Better Fucking Crazy Person
It has come to my attention that there are an awful lot of crazy people in the world. Now when I say "crazy," many of you people out there don't immediately conjure the same mental image as I do. This is because no matter how loudly I shriek the word "crazy," hardly any of you will be able to hear it through this webpage. Those of you who actually did hear me say the word "crazy" apparently have problems of their own, and I'm not going to even begin addressing them here. Call up Dr. Laura and ask her for advice; she'll be more than happy to insult you and detail the many, many reasons why you're going to hell anyway. However, today's update isn't about being crazy, it's about being the best craziest person you can be.
Many citizens of the world are budding crazy people who simply don't have the resources or energy to become the best insane person they can be. This could be because they are lazy, they don't have access to the exciting global network of fruitcakes that we call "the Internet," or perhaps because the government tracking devices in their skulls release too much liquid nickel and it interferes with their thought processes. Regardless, I hope today's update will help pool together the most important qualities and characteristics needed to be a better fucking crazy person.
1. I am "we." "We" are "they" and they are after you. Why are we after you? Well, simply put, you either know far too much or you know way too little. We've got an awful lot of complex pie charts and high tech spinning gyroscopes up here in our secret moon base, and they all inform us you're getting dangerously close to knowing some important secrets that an outsider should not know. As a general policy, we don't start pursuing our enemies unless they either start closing in on our fiendish operations or they know absolutely nothing about our plans. You have (or maybe have not) made some highly intellectual connections which could bring down our entire organization, and we simply will not let this happen.
Our agents have determined that you have found the hidden association between one of our evil schemes, a plot which revolves around turning some seemingly innocent object, item, or event into a terrible conspiracy affecting millions of people across the globe and possibly further, like inside the sun. Our records do not indicate which dastardly deed you have uncovered, so please feel free to choose one from the following list:
Plane vapor trails = Mass amounts of brain-controlling poison being spread over the Earth in order to brainwash the public and thereby lower their resistance to when we begin invading from Wal-Marts across the globe.
Funny tasting water = Mass amounts of sterilty-causing poison being dumped into the public water supply so we can take over the world with our legion of zombie ninja pirate supersoldiers.
Bad reception on your television = Our ultra-secret MegaWaves™ coming through your television set, attempting to hypnotize you to come down to the local Wal-Mart, where we will kidnap and turn you into a zombie ninja pirate supersoldier.
Your neighbors painted their house = Attempt by us to control your mind by a complicated subliminal color-coded conspiracy involving Wal-Mart brand paint and Jesus Christ, who either lives in our test labs or on Mars, and is trying to contact you by making the worms in your stomach move around and form letters, words, and sentences ala the Vermicious Knids from Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator.
You wake up = We woke you up using our patented Sonic Deathalizer Killbeam 9000 which, contrary to its name, doesn't quite kill people yet. We're still working out the kinks on this one.
If you discovered a plot that we left off, please feel free to add it and notify us so we may update our records. We have many fiendish operations continually expanding throughout the globe, and it is very hard for us to keep track of each and every one, even by using high tech programs like Excel and MS Paint. Just remember that our plans involve giant corporations, mass death via poisoning, supersoldiers, and Jesus Christ / the Antichrist. If you figure out an evil scheme which does not involve these major points, be aware that it may be the work of a rival evil organization such as DeathCo, The Great Satan Worldwide, and Illuminazi Jews Inc.
2. You are one of the select few able to figure out our amazingly complex plans that, despite being amazingly complex, were simple enough for you to see through. When we were sitting around in our secret pod base (which is located hundreds of miles below the Atlantic Ocean, built on top of either Atlantis or perhaps Cuba) discussing how to hide our top secret ideas, we made sure that Ed, Larry, Dave, and Joe wouldn't be able to figure it out. However, we made a crucial mistake by forgetting about you and your uncanny ability to decode secret transmissions and talk to the telephone pole outside your window which sings various unpopular Latino American disco songs to you all night. I mean, hey, we thought that if Ed, Larry, Dave, and Joe couldn't figure this thing out, you sure didn't stand a chance in hell! Now we realize that we were wrong and you will stop at nothing to expose our nefarious plot while people like Ed, Larry, Dave, and Joe just sit around like schlubbs and act like nothing is happening. You are the only voice of reason in this entire crazy universe!
3. Jesus has something to do with everything. Any information you discover in important places such as your front yard, the Internet, or Logan International Airport will all point in the direction of Jesus. We, by default, do not want you to discover Jesus, as he always tries to foil our plans like those pothead kids and their animated dog who drove around in their Great Rape Van solving mysteries and ultimately finding Jesus. The Son of God often tries to hide in molecules, US currency, the phone wires, radio waves, under the Earth, inside our top-secret invisible stealth bases which double as Major League Baseball stadiums, and UFOs. He might try to send you secret messages through unconventional mediums such as irregularly shaped Burger King Croissanwiches. It is our responsibility to prevent you from finding Jesus and his "true word," as that will ruin everything we're working so hard for. Please note that we're not completely sure what it is we're striving to achieve, as there are many of us and we lose track of what we're doing fairly easily. For example, last week the Neptunian Menace Division was supposed to increase the sun's temperature by .0003 degrees Celsius, but they accidentally got the wrong internal memo and ended up replacing all the swordfish off the coast of Florida with nuclear torpedoes that have hypnotic bowties and Groucho Marx disguises. Just keep in mind that we'll get away with our crazy schemes as long as you meddling fucking crazy person and your friend Jesus don't get in our way!
4. Traditional methods of communication, such as explaining things to the authorities in a calm and rational tone, cannot be used in these life threatening emergencies. Besides, all the authorities are being bribed by our company, which has obtained an unlimited source of revenue since we infiltrated every major world government and added an "oxygen tax" to each purchase you make. You must forsake this ineffective and outdated mechanism, instead opting to employ one of the following actions:
Going to the nearest mall and engaging in a spirited, third-person conversation with your hands while walking in circles and continually adjusting the 400-year old scarf you wear to prevent your head from flying off.
Writing 500 pages of disjointed, misspelled, random sentences which make repeated references to "JESUS", "AMERICAN PRESIDENT," or "CARBON." All letters should be written in 4-point font (for reading convenience) and have random words written in bold, such as "MARRIAGE," "JEW MEDIA," or "THE."
Creating a series of webpages which attempt to convey your point by using epileptic flashing gifs, brightly contrasting colors, and text the size of entire hams. There should be no logical layout of your website and it should include at least 40 "CLICK HERE TO ENTER" pages, each of which leads to another "CLICK HERE TO ENTER" page. The "content" of your page should be neatly sorted like in the following example, preferably using the font face of "System" and color of "eye-vaporizingly bright red":
FACT: MOST GOVERNMENTS COMMIT ALL THIS CRIMES
FACT: LIBERAL MEDIAS SMUDGEN THE FACT ABOUT GOVERNMENTS AND SONY'S XBOXEN PROJECT
FACT: TAXES ARE GROWING UP, BIGGER THAN EVER BUT COVERING UP WITH THIS GOVERNMENT / LIBERAL REPORTING
FACT: TENNESSEE WILLIAMS DID NOT WRITE THIS THINGS HE WROTE, COMMUNIST PROPOGANDAS AND WHATNORT
FACT: JEWS CONTROL THIS MEDIA, ALL INTERNET IN CONTROL OF MIND THOUGHT PATTERN
FACT: ILLUMINATI CONTROLS THIS BRAINFRAME, BRAINTRUST, ALL OUTLETS
FACT: GOVERNMENT USES FREQUENTLY THIS SNOY XBOXEN PROJECT
FACT: MICOROSOFT IS A COVERUP
FACT: GOVERNMENT IS A COVERUP
FACT: I AM ALL THIS TRUTH
FACT: JESUS CHRIST LIFES IN SPITE OF ALL THIS, JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD SAVIOUR IN COMPACT DISC FORMAT
Booking time on the local Public Access Television station, preferably in between "Al's Kickin' Drum Show" and "Tea Time With Linda Flescher." You should purchase two American flags to put in the background so it looks like you're the President or at least some guy who bought two American flags. To prevent authorities from capturing you, be sure to wear dark 1980's-style aviator sunglasses and a beard, one that you either grew or forcibly took from somebody else.
Yelling at cars. I had originally made a typo and wrote "yelling at cats," and after much consideration, I believe either of these options are equally viable. If you choose to yell at cars (not cats), be sure to actually yell at the car itself, not the occupants inside.
Scrawling down "Cliff's Notes" versions of your theories on the sides of giant cardboard shipping boxes, walking to a college campus, and proceeding to hold these signs in the air and wave them until the deadly government cyborg time-traveling assassins come and ask you to stop.
5. Some famous person somewhere cares about you very much. This person could be anybody, ranging from James Woods to Stevie Wonder to that girl who played the robot slut child in "Small Wonder." You must present your message loud and clear until this celebrity is personally notified of your plight, at which time they will travel thousands of miles to meet you, listen intently to your theories, and then use their resources to help you construct that nuclear jetplane of yours that can travel in nine different dimensions at once and also has an onboard VCR which shows "Mr. Mom" on an infinite loop. The famous person your mind has chosen for you is the only human being who can help you out in your time of need, so you should focus all your attention to making sure each and every member of the general population is aware that you have such a close, intimate relationship with that person. An ideal conversation would go like the following:
YOU: "Horble rawwwwrrrrr! Take off those dustbin caps, you zombies! Take them all off! It's the Crying Hour and you can't even see it! Your heads are full of dustbins! Open your eyes, the judges are all corrupt and will take you away from your mind if you don't protect it! GARRRGH!!!" (Proceed to drool and bite subway railing)
STUPID PERSON: "Please leave me alone, my children are scared."
YOU: "I KNOW!!! I was scared, I was a scaredy scareded scared humblebee until this lemon stand took it's toll! POOOOOM! Then I saw Richard Keil and he says, he says, he says, 'I will help you' because he is not the enemy, the government is the enemy, the judges are all fat pigs rolling around in the dustbins!" (Proceed to make sweeping arm gestures as if you're drawing the outline of a mailbox in air)
STUPID PERSON: "Richard Kiel? You mean that guy who played 'Jaws' in that old James Bond movie?"
YOU: (Insulted) "IT WAS NOT A MOVIE!!!" (Proceed to beat stupid person to death with their own kids)
I'm aware that there are many, many, many more ways for us to become more refined, advanced crazy people, but I simply do not have the time or patience to write them all down in one location. The notepad which I've been using to write down my ideas is currently full of phrases such as "CATCH THE MOON = GOVERNMENT PROJECT" and "SAUCER LANDING FAKED BY ENGLISH EASTER ISLAND SCIENTISTS." Maybe some day you can come down to the corner of 2nd Street and Yesler Way so I can explain my colorful theories to you in person. Look for me; I'll be the guy using the tree branches as canoe oars, helping propel my magic flying bus out of my dumpster home. And yes, those are in fact semen stains on my jacket.
Convert to GOLD, my Brothers and Sisters!
This week on the Something Awful Forums proved interesting when a poster had a bit of a run in with some aliens from another dimension. That's right, the Jehovah's Witnesses came to his door and he asked the goons what he should do about the situation.
imsuxok?: My brother has informed me that Jehova's Witnesses are canvassing my street. They will probably arrive at my door within the next 10-15 minutes. Give me some suggestions for messing with their heads.
Oh my goodness gracious, hilarity ensued! But you don't have to take my word for it (do doot doot)!