The Gang's All Here!
As you undoubtedly know, many world-renowned economists and bearded old guys with cushy college tenure are solemnly declaring our current economic situation "grim," "bleak," and "too hot for television" these days. Although some of the more cynical readers out there may believe they say such things simply so they'll see their scraggly faces on CNN, that's dead wrong; some of them also do it so they also have a chance to promote their upcoming book, "The Grim, Bleak American Economy: A Romantic Comedy Murder Mystery," which has a foreword written by esteemed insurance broker and fake spy Tom Clancy. The job industry does look rather hopeless to many people, particularly college students majoring in either liberal arts, communications, computer science, or any degree short of a mega-doctorate in Nuclear Physical Nanotechnological Computational Jeffries Tube Electrical Medical Quantum Theory Engineering For Jerks. Since only two of those degrees are granted each year and both are awarded to Malaysian students that the US imported along with a box of textiles and phone cords, it's no wonder that many college students have entered deep stages of depression and are engaging in uncharacteristic behavior such as drinking large amounts of alcohol and engaging in pre-marital sex.
That's why we're here today to tell the unemployed and generally repulsive, undesirable citizens of America to cheer the fuck up! Just because you don't have any marketable job skills for an economy that currently has less than eight job openings doesn't mean you can't find your way to filthy stinking riches beyond your wildest dreams! As my mother used to tell me, "Rich, if you can't find work, then you make work." She also frequently reminded me, "Rich, if she's dead, she can't call and report rape," so let's take my mother's words of wisdom with a grain of salt. While it's true that the job market isn't as great as it once was, many people are inadvertantly dismissing a wonderful career opportunity which has a potential limited only by their lack of hand / eye coordination: being in a street gang. We've tackled the exciting world of street gangs in various updates I'm too lazy to look for, but I feel the current economic crunch warrants another look at this profitable and hopefully deadly business. The street gang industry is flexible in the fact that there are many, many different types of gangs out there, all actively recruiting members to become "top dog" of this "dog eat dog world," which means they want to ultimately become canines and consume themselves, which is kind of fucked up no matter how you look at it. However, that's just one of the tradeoffs you must accept when joining a gang. I will now proceed to list the most "popular and dynamic" gangs so you, the unemployed wretch, may choose one which fits you and your inevitable tendency to fail at everything.
The 1950's Pasty White Teenager Gang
Key Job Opportunities: Guy who smokes cigarettes and stares at people suspiciously, guy who has a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve and pushes around guys carrying books for no reason, streetcar racer who drives a 30-ton Ford that goes from 0 to 60 in roughly under a decade, person who loiters outside of malt shops and drug stores until the owner chases them away with a broom or dirty towel, really sarcastic person who attempts to intimidate rival gangs by intercepting their punches with his face.
Requirements: You must be white, pasty, and a guy. The tendency to develop cancerous growths and a big potbelly after a few years is a plus, although not required. Aggressiveness caused by the insecurity of premature balding or thinning hair is encouraged. Weekends must be reserved for gang activity such as "crossing your arms and smoking a lot" and attending "Sock Hops," which I think is slang for "methadone clinics." Minorities are welcome to join, just as long as they're white.
Description: While the 1950's Pasty White Guy Gang isn't as popular as it was in, oh, let's say the 1950's, they are still looking to recruit members and reemerge as one of the premiere American gangs. Gang members must wear white shirts and leather jackets which display their gang name on the back in a clear, legible font. Popular gang names include "The Crazy Aces," "Jokers Wild," and "The Nine of Diamonds," because many gang members' educations consist of playing poker with their father shortly before he broke a bottle of gin over the dog's head. Each gang also has a tell-tale logo which represents their collective persona, such as an image of a man smoking while clearly jaywalking on a busy street, or a piece of candy with cartoon hearts and "I LUV JESUS" bubbles coming out of it. Gang meetings are usually held after school in the basement of the gang leader's parents' home, where Coca Cola and potato chips are expected. If any rival gangs try to approach their "turf," gang members should assemble together and face off with the other gang by walking in circles and, ultimately, singing songs to each other until one of the gang leader's parents find out that they're breaking curfew and demand they return home at once. The remaining gang members may then go to the malt shop and talk about some girl name "Roxie" and a group of people dubbed "Communists." All gang members must be between the age of 28 and 45, despite the fact that the word "teenager" is in the gang's name. Back in the 1950's, 30-year olds were often considered "teenagers" and were not adults until they either retired, got drafted, or molted into a more complex life form.
Crazy Breakdancing Negroes
Key Job Opportunities: Guy who turns on the boombox, guy who turns off the boombox, guy who stands in the crowd and claps to the rthym but always seems to be off by a bit, the actual breakdancing negro, angry person who gets up in the police's face once the racist pigs show up to harass them for no particular reason, actual person who does the breakdancing and wins some highly important contest which will provide enough money to support the bankrupt inner-city hospital that is treating his dad for some kind of silly disease that makes him moderately sleepy all the time.
Requirements: One of the benefits of the Crazy Breakdancing Negroes is that most members don't need to know how to breakdance. In fact, some Crazy Breakdancing Negro gangs don't even require applicants to be African-Americans; there are usually a few spots open for a token white and Latino guy (although these positions pay very low and do not ever have any active role in the gang's hierarchal structure). You must, however, be willing to relocate to "the hood" (or "da hood" as it's called by people who enjoy abusing the English language) and sleep on a bed mattress which has springs poking out of it for no real reason. Additionally, a certain attraction to specific primary colors is preferred, as many gangs of Crazy Breakdancing Negroes prefer to adorn themselves with a particular colored sweatband / wristband / Swatch watch.
Description: The Crazy Breakdancing Negroes actually have a cause and purpose to their gang, in stark contrast to The 1950's Pasty White Guy Gang, whose main goal is to "eventually throw some eggs at the principal's car." This gang is often breakdancing not for the fun and joy of the glorious dance itself, but often to practice for an upcoming competition which will give them a chance to selflessly win a prize for their community. This prize could range from money (used to support the neighborhood's decaying school system) to winning a bet made by an evil rich white guy who wants to take over the inner city yet decided to give its inhabitants one last chance by accepting their challenge to a breakdancing competition. Many multimillionaire businessmen like to purchase large plots of land inhabited by people, then run the risk of losing their investment by giving the residents "one chance" to win their freedom. This is because rich white people are very, very retarded, and the only reason they have more money than your average Arby's combo meal is because cash has been floating in their family ever since that one dead relative of theirs sailed across the Baltic Ocean to discover America in 1872 and was rewarded with riches and jewels from the Queen of the United Kingdoms. Unlike these greedy white folks obsessed with money, the Crazy Breakdancing Negroes are simply interested in putting on a great show and entertaining people while moving one step closer to saving their inner city hospital / school / orphanage / grain silo / rocket ship. The defacement of public property is encouraged, just as long as it involves using spray paint canisters to replicate the gang's logo (usually a crown) on a wall. Out of every gang, the Crazy Breakdancing Negroes are, by far, the friendlies and most personable, as they live to do "the worm" while "busting a move" and "keeping it real." They're very good at "keeping it real," so if you have experience in the upkeep of reality, you should really consider joining their ranks.
Key Job Opportunities: Guy who raises the sails, guy who lowers the sails, guy who tells the previous two guys to either raise or lower the sails, guy who tries to figure out why they even need to raise or lower the sails in the first place, angry captain, incompetent sea cook, guy who does something with oars and stands in the background looking angry whenever something important happens, person who is in charging of administrating the "stabbins," parrot.
Requirements: Unlike most gangs, this group demands a large amount of travel and mobility. Pirates do not have any land they call their "turf" or "pissing grounds," but instead patrol the seas in their pirate ship, a mobile, leaky, wooden gang headquarters. Applicants with a wife and children are strongly discouraged from applying for this very reason, in addition to the fact that their wife and children will most likely be repeatedly raped before their interview process has completed. You must be comfortable with the concept of wearing rags and losing up to two crucial limbs during any of your required functions, which range from "raiding a land lubber's cargo" to "raping your own damn filthy wife."
Description: Out of any gang, pirates are probably the ones facing the most work-related accidents and fatal injuries. This explains why walking into any reputable insurance agency and asking about "pirate insurance" will result in a tremendous amount of laughter at your expense. Pirates are notorious "plunderers," which means they will often see an object that catches their eye, such as a chest full of booty or a golden mummy, and they will proceed to "plunder" it, which is pirate lingo for "rape and then steal, although not particularly in that order." Pirates have one group leader who decides their rape targets and course of action, often the individual who has "keel-hauled" the most "scurvy-ridden bilge buckets." This responsible person will have a name and made-up rank such as "Captain Feltchworthy" or "Deputy Dog" or "MC Hammer." As a pirate, your job will limited to basically following his orders exactly, or else you might find yourself staring at the headless remains of your body as it floats across the ocean in the opposite direction of your head. This is inferring that he would cut off your head, not that your head would voluntarily fly off and decide to start watching your corpse slowly die, a fear that I wrestle with every morning I successfully wake up. There are a few minor differences between the "pirate" workplace and "corporate America," as shown in the following helpful chart:
|Getting fired||Getting stabbed|
|Getting a bonus||Not getting stabbed|
|Writing business proposals||Getting stabbed|
An ideal applicant must make the distinction between these two business cultures before deciding to join a gang of pirates or else he might end up making a mistake that he will regret for the next 20 minutes as he is made to "walk the plank," which is pirate jargon for "getting stabbed" or "walking the plank." Although pirates collect a sizeable fortune of gold, you will not see them showcasing this jewelry as the Crazy Breakdancing Negroes do; pirates instead prefer to shove all their prized possessions into a chest and bury it under a sand trap along a popular Las Vegas golf course. A "treasure map" will be created so one lucky individual may hunt down and reclaim this rare fortune, but the map should be so ambiguous that the landscape and major monuments could be confused with the land on Jupiter.
Key Job Opportunities: Guy who always lurks in the shadows smoking a cigarette and then vanishing at random times and appearing up to 500 yards away, person who can use his hands or head to cut through a bunch of wooden planks (just in case if their gang is being attacked by a hostile housing district), gang leader who sits in a chair and only gets up to laugh menacingly or ask where his sacred sword of the dragon is, toadies who shoot automatic machine guns at limousines while grinning, masked guy who hits things with a stick or some other kind of potentially dangerous item besides one of those prop candy canes you see at a Christmas nativity scene.
Requirements: Well, you can't be American. Or Russian. Or German. Or Italian or Canadian or anything but Japanese. Even if you're Japanese, you probably won't be able to become a full fledged member of the Yakuza, as they have strict quality control standards and I'm still not even sure how you become a member. I think you have to cut off one of your fingers just to complete the entry form. If you make it in, then you have to chop off your foot to demonstrate your dedication. Every year after that, you have to remove a various bone or joint from your body to convince them you're still a "team member." This allows the entire Yakuza organization to get governmental benefits and great parking spaces through Japanese disability laws. Oh yeah, you also have to have gigantic murals depicting a robotic bald eagle shooting laser beams at a tiger riding on a jackal tattooed across every inch of your flesh, including that horrible area of land between your man-parts and your man-hole.
Description: The Yakuza are a very tough but fair organization of Japanese mobsters. If you owe the Yakuza $5,000 and forget to pay them, they'll come over to your apartment and beat your wife to death with a chair leg. You might find this a bit "tough," but in all honesty it's pretty "fair" because, let's face it; your wife's ugly skull wasn't worth $5,000 even if it housed a bunch of golden maggots inside. The Yakuza is the high tech, Slim-Fast, Japanese version of the mafia, and show this contrast in a variety of different ways. For example, the mafia is composed of a bunch of old, fat, incoherent Italian guys who drive gigantic cars. The Yakuza is composed of a bunch of young, skinny, incoherent Japanese guys who drive those goofy motorcycles which look like toys an eight-year old would try to shove in his mouth. However, there's no eight-year old dumb enough to try and shove an entire member of the Yakuza into his mouth. As a member of the Yakuza, you must make sure that your company is "in on the action" with various dance clubs, drug dealers, and anybody else who wears a lot of shiny black or neon. If your boss says "you must kill Bob Yamoto," then you can't just mosey over to Bob Yamoto's house and shoot him. First of all, does anybody even know how to mosey these days, much less somebody in Japan? The fine art of moseying went out of style around the same time people ceased to saunter, and if you're old enough to brazenly mosey around, you're either dead or some evil hybrid cross between Strom Thurmond and Dick Clark and you probably think about McKinleyism far more often than you should. All sauntering aside, members of the Yakuza must always keep in mind that what they do reflects upon their organization. Instead of shooting a businessman in the face with a gigantic gun disguised as a slightly smaller gun, Yakuza agents are encouraged to dispatch of their targets in a more festive and creative style. For example, "bonus points" are awarded by Yakuza judges for "examples of extreme death," such as ripping out a victims tongue, using it to clean their motorcycle, and then applying the business end of a quadruple-edged sword to their face while doing a flip and landing on their coffee table as a single dove flies into the air and a lotus flower gently falls to the ground. Agents can collect and trade these bonus points for exciting items such as one of those fake spider rings or a bag containing a goldfish.
While it's true that the job market doesn't quite offer the same opportunities and potential it once did, I hope today's update has shown you, the reader, that there are still ways to make a buck out there in the fast-paced, slow-moving employment industry. The luxury and benefits of joining a gang range from "free 1980's hip hop music cassette tapes" to "sitting on a boat with 40 other sweaty men looking lustfully at your firm buttocks for months at a time," and are frankly either too numerous or mentally scarring for me to list. Sometimes you have to go out, grab life by its horns, rope it in, brand it on it's ass, and then ask yourself, "why the hell is my life represented by a cow or bull of some sort?" I'll tell you why: because I can't write worth a shit and my analogies are as bad as a three-legged pig in a square dance! If you want real writing, go out and buy one of those books about the American economy. I heard some of them have popup flowcharts that feature the GNP in stunning color!
While Zack "Parsons Editor" Parsons usually supplies a "Story Time" update, today we've got something a bit different. Zack was somehow able to weasel out of work by brainwashing some guy into making a comic book version of his previous story, "D.A.R.E." To my surprise, the comic is frighteningly well done, and it really brings the theme of "a giant robot fucking a vacuum cleaner" to life in ways that I could not have possibly predicted.
Woah! Something of quality on Something Awful? To tell you the truth, I never thought I'd see the day this would happen! I always assumed my crappy, sub-average writing would scare away anybody with a hint of talent, driving them to more desirable websites such as the Bonzi Buddy network or some portal to all the Geocities Dragonball-Z homepages. Color me impressed while you check out the comic; it really is some cool stuff!