The New and Improved Axis of Evil ™, Part 0 of -18
As we head into March this tumultuous year, the weather is slowly beginning to shed its Winter coat. The metal chains are being taken off tires, people are changing their wardrobes, and the air is gradually warming up to remind us that our planet is constantly edging closer and closer into the sun thanks to the invisible Nazi Lizard Reptile Men and their pro-abortion agenda. Despite all these changes in our life, one element has remained woefully stagnant: the Axis of Evil ™. It's been months since the Axis of Evil ™ roster has been updated, and much like in Major League Baseball (or to a certain extent, the National Hockey League), teams are always shifting around and constantly in motion. Why should the Axis of Evil ™ be any different? I mean, I know everybody was just absolutely scared to death of Iran a couple months ago. I can remember some of the conversations I'd have with my parents during Iran's reign of terror around the end of 2002:
ME: "Hi mom, how are you guys doing?"
MY MOTHER: "IRAN!!! IRAN!!! IRAN!!! OH GOD HELP US, SAVE US FROM IRAN!!!"
ME: "What about Iran? Mom, you're not making any sense."
MY MOTHER: "IRAN!!! HELP!!! PLEASE RICH, HELP ME!!!"
ME: "Mom, please put dad on." (Pause)
MY DAD: "IRAN!!! IRAN!!! IRAN!!! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY STOP IRAN?!?"
This fear of Iran led to the infamous nationwide shortage of shoelaces, which was what the Department of Homeland Security commanded us to stock up on before it was "cool" to buy truck palettes full of duct tape for no readily available reason. For all you guys who work at Home Depot, word on the street is that the next hot item from the Department of Homeland Security will be staple guns, so start getting some "staple your way to security" promotional ads ready. While the threat of Iran attacking our peace loving nation was in fact very high back then (assuming their nation could scrape together enough cash for plane tickets to send key terrorist members to America), you've got to admit they really aren't much of a threat anymore. The same principle applies to Iraq; yeah, we're all hot and bothered about bombing them into bite-sized chunks which will be fed to our invisible Nazi Lizard Reptile overlords, but does Iraq really pose a threat to the United States? They barely have missiles that can reach their own borders, much less get over that big mess of watery stuff that separates our bloated land mass from theirs. Even if they could somehow get missiles into our country, perhaps by shipping them in hundreds of individual UPS packing boxes labeled "BABYS MILK'S FORMULA" and then trying to reassemble them in an abandoned Fruit By the Foot factory in Detroit, they wouldn't bother. Saddam is a true patriot and only uses Iraqi missiles to blow up his own Iraqi citizens; he wouldn't waste precious explosives on the likes of us worthless American pig dogs.
So what does this all amount to? Well let's look at the old and outdated Axis of Evil ™ standings:
AXIS OF EVIL ™ RANKINGS (old)
3) North Korea
As we all know, Iraq and Iran have been bumped off the charts. Nothing newsworthy has happened in Iran since they hired a bunch of kids in 1979 to hold the people in the American Embassy Suites hostage for a record-setting 444 luxurious days and 443 nights, often restricting their access to the free Continental breakfast. Iraq is doing the same dorky crap they've been doing for over a decade now, where they claim they don't have any missiles and there's no way they could have missiles and the mere notion of them even possessing missiles is preposterous, then we discover that they've been hiding all their missiles behind larger missiles the entire time. If Iraq wasn't on the damn Axis of Evil ™ roster ten years ago, there's no reason they should be up there now. This is why I am suggesting we update the Axis of Evil ™ roster for the new month and begin a periodic trend so the American public can know what entities to fear by Federal mandate, punishable by jail time or a $50,000 fine. Since the silly US government has failed to personally send me any suggestions, I will have to play this one by ear and create what I feel is the most appropriate Axis of Evil ™ for March:
AXIS OF EVIL ™ RANKINGS (updated)
1) North Korea
2) Michael Jackson (NEW)
3) Bigfoot (NEW)
Iraq and Iran have been knocked off the list, as quite honestly, their Power Ranking is very low and they just haven't been performing on the level that analysts had once claimed. North Korea has launched itself into the number one position by repeatedly displaying signs of outright insanity and suffering from Goofy Mouth Syndrome in worldwide newscasts. Two up and coming sensations have aggressively moved in to overtake the number two and three slots, marking the first time that the Axis of Evil ™ has had a majority of rookies. Michael Jackson has been scaring the world shitless for over a decade now, and many industry insiders previously suggested Jackson would have his time to "shine in the light" this year. Bigfoot wasn't originally considered to be a viable candidate for a top three ranking, but he got a powerful push when I recently received a pre-screening VHS copy of the movie "Ape Canyon: The Story of Bigfoot, North America's Greatest Lover." To be honest, I don't think anybody could've predicted the Sasquatch's sudden rise to power, but this movie shattered all expectations and helped fuel its joyride to position number three on the updated Axis of Evil ™ rankings. Let's now take a look at these three superpowers:
North Korea: North Korea is a small country somewhere over near Asianlandia, inhabited by people dubbed "North Koreans." This small area of land which may or may not be an island or peninsula or fiord was controlled by the evil Japanese until World War II, at which point the United States dropped some very large explosive devices on their city that kept all the deeds and titles to Japanese owned land. North Korea, which was then known as "Korea," subsequently took Japan to court and sued on "The Judge Judy Show," which ultimately ruled in their favor and additionally scolded Japan by quipping, "well that's tough nuts, bub. I'm the boss, applesauce." Korea then filed for divorce with itself and split into two nations through the miracle of meiosis or mitosis, depending on whichever term is more correct according to high school chemistry definitions. The good clone, South Korea, decided to make friends with the United Nations once they were invaded by their evil clone, North Korea, in what was (and still is) known as "The Korean War." North Korea kind of chilled out after that for a while, but they grew gradually more nutty in the brain as time passed by. In the past year alone, North Korea has opened up nuclear reactors, admitted to having multiple nuclear warheads, called the United States names like "the United Jerks," and threatened to shoot down US spy planes by refusing to shoot down US spy planes. At the way their aggression is escalating, North Korea will reveal a laser powered by a black hole capable of destroying the moon within the next six days.
Michael Jackson: This pop superstar used to be a pop superstar until he became whatever the fuck he is now. Additionally, he also used to be black and have facial features that don't require Magic Markers and Play Dough to assemble. He made up one-fifth of "The Jackson Five," which included miscellaneous Jacksons like "Tyrone" and "Germane" and "Bo." After creative differences tore their band apart (Michael Jackson wanted to become a successful weirdo, while the other four wanted to become heroin addicts), Michael began pumping out hit songs and inventing dance moves which sold Sega games and Pepsi. However, Michael was always known to be "young at heart," which means "he enjoyed eating paste," resulting in his increasingly bizarre behavior. Recently he attempted to throw an infant over the railing of a Motel-6 in Germany but failed due to gravity being in the Metric System, admitted he uses a razor to shave off his nose every time it attempts to grow back in, paid over one hundred thousand dollars to put a spell on Jewish people, and publicly referred to black people as "bookies" or something zany like that. At this rate, Michael will elected as Supreme Dictator of North Korea within weeks.
Bigfoot: I had always figured the reclusive Yeti as being a mysterious, private creature who lurked in some backwoods plot of land slowly being bulldozed and turned into apartment complexes. However, I recently found myself the owner of "Ape Canyon: The Story of Bigfoot, North America's Greatest Lover" after being contacted by a Hotmail email account. This epic masterpiece by Jon Olsen and Trevor Guthrie documents the Sasquatch as how he "truly" is: a 6-foot tall rape machine. According to this educational feature, Bigfoot roams the woods, constantly searching for pudgy high school girls to deflower. As featured in various examples of Japanese pedophile cartoons, the female might initially express a slight displeasure to being raped, but will soon grow to love it and demand more. This is the case in "Ape Canyon: The Story of Bigfoot, North America's Greatest Lover," as Bigfoot goes on a massive woodland rapefest that outranks almost all hip hop artists combined. Fortunately for him, the woods is full of various high school girls who apparently attend class in one of the ravines or gulches located throughout the area, and he's able to simply rape the hell out of everybody he encounters. On the rare occasion he meets up with a non-female (a male), he either brutally / comically murders them or urinates on their head before brutally / comically murdering them. Whether it be rape or homicide, Bigfoot is truly leaving an evil mark on the world, thereby allowing him to reach this month's rank on the Axis of Evil ™.
North Korea: Not content with having "a few" nuclear weapons, North Korea will soon produce "more" nuclear weapons. This backwards country is one of the few remaining Communist dictatorships, so they do everything topsy-turvey and upside-down and inside-out. If you ask a North Korean to move to the left, he'll move to the right. If you question a North Korean for directions to the nearest church, he'll give you directions to the local whorehouse. Then he'll shoot you in the face. For example, they'll throw a parade which shows off their nuclear missiles and allows thrilled North Koreans to pet the warheads at a zoo, then they'll accuse the United States of flaunting their military might in North Korea's face. Then they'll send a bunch of tanks to do donuts in the DMZ and subsequently accuse South Korea of spiking their tap water with Drano. Nobody is really sure how North Korea got so messed up in the head to begin with, but many people suggest violent First-Person Shooter video games. North Korea is expected to move a series of anti-aircraft batteries to the Sea of Japan coastline, mainly because nobody knows where the fuck the Sea of Japan is, thereby making it technically impossible for America to destroy them. North Korea will launch a massive invasion of South Korea, unfortunately leaving their primary buildings susceptible to capture by enemy engineers. They plan on making a lot of things on their peninsula explode in the process, so if you live near Korea you should really think about moving to somewhere safer like onto the ship from "Event Horizon."
Michael Jackson: After being kicked out of America for being "really goddamn creepy," Jackson will move to one of those little countries that is 20 years behind world current events and still think he's cool, just like getting tapeworms or the ebola virus. Michael will set up a large fortress nicknamed "Jacko's Compound," a massive marble and burnt twig structure which will be known as "the place where children enter and never leave." Meanwhile, authorities in the United States will uncover a shocking number of hidden secrets behind Jackson's private life, including his fetish of forcing children to watch movies of him forcing children to watch movies. That's right, he's one of the first people to have a self-recursive sexual fetish. The CIA will send in shock troopers to penetrate the Jacko Compound shortly after Jackson announces his allegiance to the "Church" of Scientology, and these commandos will be annihilated by a 50-foot tall grub with the head of L. Ron Hubbard that shoots lasers out of its eyes and fire from its mouth and various other orifices. The United States will declare war on Jacko's Compound and soon discover modern weaponry has no affect on it. They will decide to lock it inside a floating Decepticon head and launch it into deep space, where Jackson will breed with an entire planet and create a solar system which ejaculates all over itself every 30 days.
Bigfoot: Although "Ape Canyon: The Story of Bigfoot, North America's Greatest Lover" concluded with Bigfoot turning into a ghost and dancing with a chubby high school girl, the Abominable Snowman never actually died. This movie was undoubtedly part of a secret governmental coverup designed to baffle and confuse the general public through a series of horrible jump cuts and shaky photography. In reality, Bigfoot is being cloned by the people at Area 51, in conjunction with Art "Taco" Bell and Sony. This "super race" of Bigfoots will be given rifles and Rape Sticks to help them in their upcoming military missions where they are dropped from a helicopter into enemy territory to capture and repeatedly rape key female political figures. The only man who can save us from the Bigfoot menace is "Bill," the man who was married to one of Bigfoot's first sexual subjects. As you're all undoubtedly well aware of, the climax of "Ape Canyon: The Story of Bigfoot, North America's Greatest Lover" was when Bigfoot raped Bill in his ass for what seemed like thirteen consecutive hours. Bill naturally fell in love with the sexy Sasquatch, tracking his every move in an attempt to marry him or at least get raped again. Bill will be promoted to the rank of "Chief Officer of Bigfoot Affairs" by the American government once they learn their Yeti plans have gone awry, and Bill will genetically manufacture a race of Bigfoot-raping Chupacabres. Eventually the Chupacabres will grow out of control, at which point Michael Jackson and his planetoids will volunteer to rape them.
I hope I have proved once again that when you want the most cutting edge news, you don't need to tune in to CNN or Bonzi Buddy; just head over to Something Awful and learn about world affairs, usually before they even have a chance to happen! The updated, new, "in your face" Axis of Evil ™ is currently taking this country by storm, and I personally would like to take this moment to thank myself for providing such a wonderful service to the human race, assuming the human race somehow mistakenly typed in a URL wrong and ended up on this webpage. Be sure to check this site daily, as you'll never quite know when the invisible Nazi Lizard Reptile Men demand we update our Axis of Evil ™ Power Rankings with new, up and coming challengers!
This is Unreal!
Zack "Hitler's Date to the Sadie Hawkin's Dance" Parsons here with a brand new game review of one of the most recent major titles to hit the PC market. "Unreal 2: The Awakening" is a big-budget eye candy fest that is very deserving of a review from Something Awful. I can hardly believe I played through this whole damn piece of shit.
From the makers of the original colored-lighting festival "Unreal" we get the single-player sequel, creatively named "Unreal 2: Some Generic Filler Subtitle". Designed for dullards who like pretty lights by dullards who like pretty lights, Unreal 2 is the jewel-encrusted Faberge turd of first person shooters. It fails utterly on every level but the eye candy, so follow that rail of tears through the amazingly beautiful stages because blowing away uninspired aliens and having embarrassingly bad conversations about the most generic plot of all time never looked so fucking good. Next to the graphics, the best thing about Unreal 2 is that you can finish it in under about six hours, or at least get to the point at which it stops being tolerable and uninstall it. For Lowtax that was the first stage. I made it to the last stage before I heard the plastic of my mouse creaking beneath my rage-clenched hand and bid adieu to this steaming pile of garbage.
This game sounds fantastic! Save yourself six valuable hours of non-sleep leisure time and as much as fifty dollars plus tax and read this review. I expect no less than fifty pieces of angry e-mails over this article, so if you're fan of the game open up Outlook and then cruise on over to the article.