Front Page News

Awful Articles

Simple Dreams From a Very Simple Man

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 Update by Josh "Livestock" Boruff

The other day, as I rode to the health food store on my recumbent bicycle, it occurred to me that I'm a very simple man. And as a simple man, I have a few simple dreams for things I want to have happen in my life, and even after it. Rather than write a "comedy article" riddled with talk of robots or an inspired piece of short fiction that includes at least one reference to pants wetting, I'm going to take a breather and share my dreams with you, the uninterested reader. These, ladies and gentleman of the Internet jury, are my dreams.

To get my theory about dinosaurs accepted into popular science

I really tried to find some good dinosaur porn, but extinction got in the way.

I've been working hard recently writing lots of letters in a futile attempt to get my theory on dinosaur extinction excepted into mainstream academia. My theory is this: the dinosaurs died of STDs. Now you might have been nurtured on the notion that a gigantic asteroid killed the dinosaurs, or that God wiped them out as part of a giant conspiracy to lead man off course, but I think my idea is the most down-to-earth. Right now we know that STDs, such as herpes and gonorrhea, are killing millions each year. We also know that AIDS is pretty bad, and definitely not worth getting. Logically, we can assume that the dinosaurs, savage beasts from a savage time, liked to get it on. Because sexually transmitted diseases are transmitted through sex and impure thoughts about sex, we can therefore determine that the dinosaurs, lacking protection, likely transmitted sexual diseases. Given the serious lack of sexual education amongst the members of dinokind, the plague would have been unhindered.

It may be romantic to believe that our dinosaur ancestors were wiped out by a cosmic collusion, but that's pretty ridiculous when you think about it. That sounds like the plot to a terrible science fiction movie, and that alone should discredit it. Yeah, sure, a magic rock killed them all! I believe you. Dinosaurs lived high-risk lifestyles and they paid the price. It's as simple as that. Paleontologists, it's time you guys got off your high horse skeleton and admitted the truth. Accept my theory into official dinosaur canon.

To dress up as 9/11
This may sound rather cruel, but I've had a hankering to make myself a World Trade Center costume out of old cardboard boxes. I think it would be pretty neat to go to a crazy fantasy dress-up convention like DragonCon decked out as one of the doomed skyscrapers. Of course fumbling around and falling down a lot would be a funny gag, but I want to go all the way. That's why I'd have a friend dress up as an airplane and crash into me a lot. After the impact, I would drop action figures out of tiny little holes in the side of my costume, then fall down in the most dramatic way possible. If I can somehow make the costume telescope downward, that would be all the better. I think seeing a sight like that would really make people remember 9/11, and that's the most important thing in the world. If we forget, then the invasion of Iraq will have been for nothing.

To find out I'm heir to a railroad baron's fortune

Train tracks and locomotives: a recipe for success.

Instead of lying to you like I always do, I'm going to be honest and admit something embarrassing. I'm pretty damn poor, and working as a C-list Internet superstar isn't as glamorous as you might have read about in your various Wired magazines. Finding out a rich railroad baron had drunkenly left me in his will would sure make my day. I suppose it wouldn't have to be a railroad baron, but if I'm going to dream about getting free money, it's damn well going to involve railroad barons, the scoundrels that got rich by turning America into a giant grid divided by tracks. As a fan of the organizational wonders of grids, I can't help but be enamored by the majestic railroad barons. Please, railroad barons, give me your money so that I don't ever have to work hard a day in my life.

To have the most delicious funeral ever
When it comes to dying, I'd like to go out in a bang. I don't mean that I want to explode in a giant confetti shower of blood and guts, but rather that I want my funeral to be memorable enough to be deemed "truly haunting" by those in attendance. I think the best way to make my funeral memorable would be to do it as a delicious buffet. My open casket would be sandwiched betwixt the hot food buffet table and the sundae bar. What about a salad bar you ask? Well that's where my dead body comes in, because I would be surrounded by fresh lettuce ripe for the eating. To make the atmosphere more pleasant, Japanese noise artist Merzbow would provide live music. For the post funeral aspects of death, my final resting place would be marked with a lovely tombstone featuring bite marks carved into it, so as to look like somebody tried to eat it. I think that would be a funny sight to see in the middle of the cemetery, and remind people just how comical death really is.

Maybe I'm a crazy man for dreaming such dreams, but they probably said the same about Joseph Stalin or Adolf Hitler before they became renowned members of history. Their dreams came true, and they turned out to be nightmares for everyone else. So don't I deserve to have my dreams come true? They are simple dreams, like the simple man I am, and won't get anybody killed. If you oppose the murderous actions of Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, then you are most certainly morally obligated to support my dreams, especially if you are a railroad baron with a lot of money and an impending death.

Ready to Watch Spider-man Fall Down?

Hey folks, Taylor "Psychosis" Bell checking in with a brand new rom pit review! Today's game is an NES Spider-man game, and it's terrible in just about every conceivable way.

And considering Spider-man’s superpower is the ability to climb on things, you’d think the developers would have at least given him the ability to climb on ladders without falling off. No matter what surface you’re climbing on, even if it’s a ladder or a rope, you will automatically fall off once you reach the top. Believe me when I say that nothing compares to the thrill of climbing up a rope, working your way up past two or three screenfuls of enemies who are trying to knock you off, only to automatically fall all the way back down and have to start all over because you accidentally touched the top of the rope. The only way to successfully climb up anything is to climb as high as you possibly can without touching the top, then jump and hope you actually land on the top instead of hitting an enemy or randomly falling back down, which Spider-man likes to do at every available opportunity.

Wow, that sounds like a quality game right there! Read the full review, I fucking suffered to bring it to you!

- Josh "Livestock" Boruff