This Update Is About Dogs and Cats
I'm sure many / some / none of you recall a few of my previous updates detailing the zany, wacky antics of my two dogs (Polly, Speedy) and two cats (Cat, Stupid). These two groups of superpets routinely engage in a series of legendary adventures ranging from the fun-filled "Polly Throws Up a Giant Sentient Pool of Green Acid" to the always exhilarating "Cat Throws Up a Giant Sentient Pool of Brown Acid." Occasionally they will choose to spice things up by vomiting different colored hues or vomiting in such a location that takes me seven straight days to locate the stench, but a majority of their activities revolve around consuming something through the hole in their head and then expelling something through the hole in their head or butt. Some of the really good and talented pets can shoot liquids out of both their butt and head at the same time, like a malfunctioning high-powered Mr. Softy ice cream machine.
Since I am a self-professed expert regarding the ownership and care of family pets, people often ask me what type of pet they should purchase. I am of course lying here; nobody ever asks me anything except when I'm going to shut up and stop writing. Fortunately for folks like myself, the Internet is a bastion of uneducated, ignorant, rambling jackasses who take pride in spreading unintelligent drivel and poor advice all across the digital wasteland, so occasionally people are forced to ask me for advice. Something Awful stands apart from the rest of such aforementioned worthless sites because, although we are still a bastion of uneducated, ignorant, rambling jackasses who take pride in spreading unintelligent drivel and poor advice all across the digital wasteland, we also have a section of our site for Photoshopped images, and I feel this makes us truly unique in almost every conceivable way.
I feel it is my patriotic duty as a red-blooded American and representative of undead Republican Jewish carpet salesmen to share with you, the anonymous Internet public, my extensive knowledge of cats and dogs. After reading this helpful article, you will be able to brazenly flaunt to friends and family the fact that you know the difference between cats and dogs, all because Something Awful bestowed upon you one of the most powerful weapons in the universe - the weapon of knowledge. Actually I guess there are a lot of things more powerful than the weapon of knowledge, such as the weapon of a handgun.
A BRIEF OVERVIEW
DOGS: "Dogs" is the name of animals normal people use when referring to dogs. Asshole scientists use the word "canine" when speaking about dogs, but they only say that because scientists have this rule where they are required to use fake, made-up, intelligent sounding words just so everybody knows they are scientists. It's kind of like a secret club handshake only there's no physical contact, possibly because all scientists are composed of liquid cheesecake atoms that break apart under pressure. If you're ever walking down the street with a scientist and you say, "hey look at that dog over there," he'll probably respond with something really smarmy along the lines of, "what dog? I don't see any dog. Is it perhaps behind that CANINE?!?" and then he'll glare at you in this real smug, overly confident way. This is why we should kill all scientists and outlaw their profession of scientistism.
Dogs were invented in 14 AD by Burtamis Dog, an Egyptian who discovered a friendly, furry animal who he assumed had a hyperactive water elemental trapped inside its mouth. Burtamis confiscated the dog and cut it open with a makeshift knife that he constructed from a makeshift sword, determined to free this water elemental and hopefully force it to grant him three wishes. After an unsuccessful surgery attempt, Burtamis was shocked to discover he was unable to locate this suspected water elemental, so he wrote a complaint to his Egyptian congressman, who responded by stoning Burtamis to death for being a witch. Wait, they weren't afraid of witches back then, they were afraid of mummies and Jesus I think. This is the last time I write an article based on supposed "facts" from a Geocities "Small Wonder" fan site.
CATS: Cats are usually much smaller than dogs, unless the dog in question is smaller than the cat, in which case the cat would be larger than the dog. Cats are very similar to dogs in a number of ways, ranging from the amount of legs they are ideally supposed to have (four) to the number of eyes they often ship with (two). Sometimes if you are not wearing glasses and it's dark out and you see a cat about 200 feet away, you might mistakenly think it is a dog. Of course you might also think it is a tree or a spare tire or a barn, so that just goes to prove how truly versatile cats are. As far as I know, there are no cats living on the moon, but that might change if John Kerry gets elected.
DOGS: Dogs can weigh anywhere from one ounce (dead aborted fetus dog) to 1000 pounds (Marmaduke the Hellbeast), and are defined as a "domesticated carnivorous mammal" by the dictionary or somebody quoting a dictionary. Please note that, according to this definition, Louie Anderson is probably the most famous dog in existence. Many dogs have tails, paws, this boxy nose thing on the front of them, and a few holes that expel disgusting solids and fluids at random intervals throughout the day. Dogs have developed strong legs which allow them to run all day, and strong skulls which allow them to run into things all day.
CATS: While often being physically smaller to dogs, cats make up for their lack of size with their lack of giving a shit. Cats often have smaller boxy nose things but much longer tails. These elongated tails give them additional saving throws against balance and allow them to perform stunning physical feats that dogs could never do, like walk in a straight line without colliding into something. These animals take advantage of their smaller, lighter body frame by jumping really high, usually into infants' cribs, where they proceed to implant cat eggs into the helpless baby's skull. If you suspect a cat has injected cat eggs into your child, take him to the nearest pediatrician and demand he take your baby away from you, because the odds are pretty good that your baby will grow up to become an evil hybrid cat-human mutant who dines on human pain and suffering, as well as tuna (soaked in pain and suffering).
DOGS: Most dogs are really friendly and outgoing and wouldn't think twice before barking at you or biting through your neck in a very playful manner. A whole bunch of people have made a whole bunch of money training dogs to do things like sit, roll over, play dead, play chess, and identify airline passengers concealing packages of uncut Columbian cocaine. A recent CNN study which may or may not exist proved that most dogs can understand up to 220 different commands, just as long as 219 of those commands are variations of the phrase, "hey, eat this thing over here, stupid." Many experts agree that dogs are the proper choice for families with sweetly retarded children, as these animals are tremendously loving and patient, synonyms for the word "stupid." If you lock a two-year old in a room with a dog, the clueless pet will continue to sit in place and stare blankly at random air molecules while the abusive child proceeds to lightheartedly tear off chunks of flesh along its stomach while whimsically pouring carbolic acid down its back and shrieking like a ferret crammed inside a garbage disposal. Do not try this same experiment with a cat because it will undoubtedly murder the child before you can even get it near the test room.
A FEW QUICK CHARACTERISTICS INHERENT TO DOGS:
1) Dogs like to smell the asses of other dogs. It doesn't matter if the target ass is a friendly or enemy dog ass, just as long as it's an ass. Sniffing asses is the equivalent of two businessmen shaking hands after a very important business meeting which involved making a series of high-profile business decisions, some of which revolved around the location designated to bury a headless stripper's corpse. Although you will probably never see two dogs sniff each other's asses and then immediately run off to push a headless stripper down into a gulch, you will see them sniff each other's asses and then immediately run off to find more dog asses to sniff. One of the more popular slogans amongst dogs is "ain't nothin' quite like sniffin' an ass." Another popular motto is "keep on truckin'."
2) Many jackbooted, government Imperial stormtroopers have enslaved armies of Belgian Malinois dogs to take advantage of their world-renowned Belgian Malinois death grip jaws and scent-sniffing abilities. If you want a high quality, scenting sensation puppy to help chase down vicious shoplifters and strip away the 30 metric tons of heroin they were "temporarily holding" in their pockets "for this guy, this one guy who had a hat on and looked real dirty, dude," experts recommend you pick up a Belgian Malinois and give it some heroic name ending with "-er" like "Ranger" or "Trooper" or "Stabber" or "Satan's Groin." Also, upon further study, the name "Belgian Malinois" sounds like the name of a highly unsuccessful mobster. Oh hey everybody, word on the streets is that a shipment is comin' through - a BIG shipment is comin' through - and the cops are tryin' to break it up before it hits the port. Oh wait, the cops just discovered it's a shipment for Belgian Malinois. Oh, never mind, his shipment is nothing but a 20-pound bag of illegally imported plastic spider Halloween rings. They won't even bother hauling Ranger and Trooper and Stabber to the docks tonight.
3) Dogs are very fond of eating. This statement may seem like common sense, but let me explain a bit further. Almost every animal on this greasy, rotting globe of garbage we call "the Earth" is fond of eating to some degree. Did you know that even dust mites, whose mouths are so tiny that you couldn't see them even if you craned your head forward and squinted really hard, have to eat in order to live? It's true! I read it on a fortune cookie, or maybe I had a dream about reading it on a fortune cookie, or maybe I just wrote on the Internet about having a dream about reading it on a fortune cookie, but the point still stands: I like eating fortune cookies. The one characteristic that separates dogs from virtually every other household pet in the universe is that, if invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet, the average dog would eat itself into oblivion, creating an all-encompassing black hole vortex of unquenchable hunger that would eventually cause the entire planet to implode. Things grow significantly worse if you invite two dogs.
CATS: Cats are odd, aloof creatures. Sometimes they want you to pet them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they want to play, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they act happy to see you, sometimes they don't. There is absolutely no scientific way to determine the motivation behind any cat's actions, and I've often found it's easiest to rationalize their actions by imagining they are possessed by the spirit of a crazy woman who lived on the railroad tracks and murdered her five children shortly before shooting herself. Just think about it: cats have the ability to lay around in one position for a good two, maybe three weeks, gathering dust and remaining motionless until one of their mortal enemies passes by, like a vacuum cleaner or somebody with a dangerous penlight. At that point their brain will instantly leap into fifth gear, sending out a flurry of nonsensical commands which would probably never be appropriate for any possible scenario in their lives. This is the handiwork of the Railroad Murder Ghost, who picked that exact moment to jump inside your cat and use him to entertain various other Murder Ghosts. The next time a Murder Ghost possesses poor Fluffy, be sure to throw a paint bucket full of holy water on him while energetically shouting random Bible passages in his general direction. If it doesn't work then that means you don't have enough faith in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and you are going to hell along with your cat.
A FEW QUICK CHARACTERISTICS INHERENT TO CATS:
1) Cats, unlike dogs, are not motivated by food. In fact, cats are not motivated by anything. The only time I've ever seen a cat go out of its way to do something was when I almost backed over one with my truck. In that particular instance, the cat not only intentionally scrambled out from underneath the truck's wheel, but it additionally fled into the bushes and gave me this evil glare which scared me almost as much as the time I was watching the "V" miniseries and saw Robin give birth to the shrieking alien lizard baby of doom.
2) Cats do not generally get along very well with other cats. If you could rank their social acceptance of neighborhood cats on a laminated chart, it would fall somewhere between "absolute contempt and loathing on every possible level" and the little copyright notice on the bottom of the graph which explains it is illegal to make copies of their patented cat mood chart. If you place two average dogs together, they will usually play with each other after a little social ass sniffing. If you place two cats together, one will end up missing a good portion of its spine within 20 minutes. It's like Thunderdome with a couple Blasters battling each other: two cats enter, one cat leaves.
3) "Death by natural causes" is a myth for wild animals. No wild animal has ever died from old age or contracting chipmunk cancer or whatever possible way there is to naturally die in the woods. If you discover a deceased sparrow, rabbit, mouse, pelican, or horse anywhere on your property, it's safe to say that a cat is at least directly responsible for its death. My cat, Cat, showers my garage with such lovely gifts and fantastic prizes on a daily, perhaps hourly basis. I'll walk into there to grab some dangerous oil-soaked rags and I'll find myself overpowered with joy upon spotting the mutilated, decomposing rat which Cat proudly dragged inside and decorated in a festive fashion, properly displaying each and every one of its vital organs like a grotesque, slimy ticker-tape parade for the New York Yankees. Now I surely don't want to seem ungrateful for the lovely presents Cat drops off in the dead of night, but the stench produced by Polly and Speedy rolling in exotic feces for eight hours a day is more than enough aroma for me; the last thing I need is my garage transforming into a graveyard for Wild Kingdom rejects. I'll do my duty and give the deceased critter a proper funeral (put it inside a Yellow Pages phone book or throw it on the neighbor's roof), knowing that the next time I enter my garage, Cat will have dragged back something bigger, bloodier, and more dead than his previous catch. Oh that zany Cat, always trying to outdo himself, particularly when it comes to murder!
Well ladies and gents, I hope today's guide has given you a better understanding about the difference between cats and dogs. If it didn't, then maybe you should go back and read it again because I thought I did a pretty good explaining whatever I was trying to explain, although I refuse to go back and read it again to confirm this. And even if I didn't, I can blame Polly and Speedy for running around my office like two coked-up floozies chasing an irate rooster which stole their lucky ring, or I can blame Cat for sitting outside my front door at night, constantly emitting a series of low-pitched moaning sounds mimicking a ghost giving birth to a meteor inhabited by porcupines. Oh well, dealing with that noise is a lot better than trying to fend off their puddles of green and brown puke, which recently formed its own work union and is demanding extensive medical benefits.
Red Bull does not give you wings
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams signing in, back from the wonderland that is Vegas. Craps is a great game, but its better when you actually win money.
Forum Goon Corin Tucker's Stalker started up a very useful thread in the games subforum. Here's what he had to say:
We've all experienced it before. You're reading a gaming magazine or website when you come across a quote from a PR guy or developer that's trying to create buzz for his game. He uses a phrase that makes some aspect of the title sound totally bonerific, but upon closer inspection you realize that the quote is absolutely meaningless.
For most of us these comments have no effect, but some people might fall for them because they're new gamers or hopeless optimists.
From there, the whole gang began deciphering the usual PR rhetoric into an easily understandable language.
I managed to steal the thread and turn it into this week's Comedy Goldmine, Game PR Catchphrases: What They Really Mean.