What We Need is More Goddamn Gods!
Look all around you and tell me what you see. Make sure to really yell your response into the computer screen or else I may not hear it correctly from all the way over here. Now assuming you haven't been fired or kicked out of your home yet for screaming at your computer, I'll tell you what surrounds us in this decaying, pre-apocalyptic wasteland: TERROR. Gaze in any direction you choose; there is terror hiding behind doors, under your office supplies, and inside those giant green foam John Deere hats that people in my neighborhood seem to wear under the impression that it compliments their overalls-and-a NASCAR t-shirt wardrobe. Our society is literally plagued with terror these days. Old people are afraid to leave their rotting, decrepit, cat-infested homes due to the rampant crime littering their neighborhoods like adjectives in a terribly horrible Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka analogy. I recently saw a report on the local news channel claiming that somebody was killed in some location within a 50 mile radius of where I live! Killed! Can you believe that? Dead! Somebody killed them! What kind of world do us alive people live in where we have to fear being dead at any moment? Some crucial link in the chain of society has been broken and now we're all suffering from the vile consequences. Like always, I point society's finger at religion, as it's clear our current gods just aren't doing the job they promised to do thousands of years ago. Take a look at this summary of the most popular gods we've got going for us and you'll soon understand what I'm referring to:
Jesus Christ - He doesn't do anything until AFTER you've died. In order to remind people that He still exists, He makes sure to periodically have His image or a Jesus-related figure's image appear on a cinnamon bun baked by a poor woman in Nicaragua. I have never once seen a holy South American cinnamon bun solve a crime or prevent somebody from being murdered, except for the New Year's Eve party I attended last year where an imported holy Mexican cinnamon bun flew through a window and intercepted a dagger that was thrown towards a party guest by Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick. Wait, I mean he threw a candlestick, not a dagger. Oh, and his name wasn't "Professor Plum" either, it was "George." Come to think of it, I don't even believe a holy Mexican cinnamon bun was involved in the incident. Christianity is based off a popular best-selling book which can be found in the "fiction" section of your local bookstore, next to the newest Stephen King novel where he spends roughly 500 pages describing each and every wooden board in the protagonist's house.
King Jewish Guy - While Judaism is the oldest religion listed in the ESPN Sports Almanac, it also has the smallest amount of members. I have also been told by various white-power Awful Links of the Day that the limited members of this religion have the power to control all our lives and our media and possibly own a circus of dinosaurs that live near the center of the Earth. The leader of Judaism is the King Jewish Guy who, in all likelihood, wears a silly hat and goofy moustache. Since Judaism is closely related to Christianity, their god doesn't do much until after you've died. Once you're dead he steps into action and either says "good job, you were an excellent living person, now you'll get a fantastic prize of some kind" or "tough luck, you were a real jackass when you were alive, so now you get to sit in a room for all eternity with college circuit comedians." I'd also like to point out that while there is an Anti-Christ, there is currently no Anti-Jew, so if the world ends in an apocalyptic fireball of epic proportions, you can blame the Christians.
Allah - Allah rules the school over all Islam. Although this religion takes the number two spot in the "number of followers" ranking, they have the the most followers who will make themselves explode upon command at any given point in time. While scientists cannot prove that Allah actually comes down in his purple spaceship and directly causes events to happen, many followers of Islam believe he's responsible for all negative and positive events in their life. Like if you're an Muslim woman and you accidentally drop a pot of boiling water on your husband's leg after he came in the door to tell you about the recent asbestos-removal bid he received from the owners of a closed down insane asylum, it is his right to stab you and your baby to death because that's the will of Allah. This mysterious deity can communicate to you through your head, the phone lines, or carpeting, but only if you're Islamic. Allah refuses to visit this world in the form of a cinnamon bun, as cinnamon buns are explicitly forbidden in this religion and are punishable by getting stoned to death, and I'm not talking about the Grateful Dead / Phish type of stoning either.
Hindu Henry - Hinduism actually lacks one founder, creed, and single source of authority, so their religion presents serious problems when I attempt to make fun of them. They're really big on this thing called "karma" which is not only an energy drink manufactured by Coca-Cola Industries but also a belief dictating that what goes around comes around. Say you go to the store and steal a pineapple. Then, once you get home, you might find that your wife and kids were killed by an asbestos-removal worker. That's karma in action, and if you fuck with karma then karma will fuck with you, particularly once you die and are reborn. If you're a real jerk in your life and you somehow end up dying, you will be reborn as something highly unappealing, such as a lousy repulsive anteater or Carol Channing. If everybody loves you and you do nice things like donate blind kids to your savings account, you will be reborn as the King of the Moon or a tree that has the ability to throw explosives at people like in various Nintendo games. Since Hinduism lacks a real founder and karma only happens to people who believe in karma, it has no real effect on the majority of the population except for the aforementioned explosive-lobbing trees.
Buddha - Buddhism is a relatively new religion based off the movie "The Matrix," even though it has remained in existence for over 2,500 years. It dictates that we, as a human race, need to ascend to new levels of consciousness and "wake up" so we may see the world in a new light. Once you have found your personal spirit guide, you will be able to transcend this mortal plane and perform such exciting stunts as slowing down bullets and karate chopping hundreds of identical IRS agents who are trying to audit you. Buddha never makes personal appearances on Earth, as he's too fat and many structures lack the load-being structures needed to safely support his tremendous girth, much like Louie Anderson.
The Sikh Guru - According to Google's search engine, Sikhism "was founded in the 15th Century by Guru Nanak," but according to Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka's brain, "I don't care about Sikhs." Almost all the Sikh members live in India, a country which accounts for under .002% of the hits on this site, so I'm not going to even bother addressing them. Hell, I'll go so far as to make up shit about their religion in an attempt to receive email death threats written in a foreign language text pack that I don't have installed. Sikhs all believe in magical lottery machines which dispense talking chocolate coins. They know the locations of magic geese portals that prevent killer squid from evolving and taking over the world in a fiery apocalypse. Once you become a Sikh, you must perform the ceremonial rite of passage, which involves beheading yourself. The Sikh Guru is a 400-armed brick that can shoot laser beams at enemy Tie Fighters and enjoys walks on the beach and rainy days.
While all these religions may be absolutely great and enjoyable for their many, many members, I'm afraid that they just aren't getting the job done these days. Their gods are failing to proactively stop crime and prevent our society from falling into the seething cauldron of hate and violence stew we're currently sinking beneath. This is why I, a famous webmaster (my mom and I think my dad knows about this website), am now demanding we ditch all our current "incorrect" gods and go back to the days when gods actually did significant stuff and contributed back to society. That's correct, I want us to travel in time all the way back to the days of Greek Gods.
Everybody knows that the best days of mankind occurred during ancient Greece. For example, the Greeks invented a ton of crap including philosophy, the sun, pillars, and most of ancient Greece. How were they able to accomplish so much despite the limited amount of time they were given before they were all killed when a meteorite hit the Earth? Simple: they had a ton of help from their gods. Greek gods were kickass in just about every sense of the word "were" or better yet the word "kickass." If you pissed them off, bam, your blood was replaced by lava. If you failed to pray to them at a particular point in the day, boom, your home was replaced with a giant lion who could fly and tear out your entrails at 200 miles an hour. These gods were real go-getters, deities who weren't afraid to think outside the box and get the job done no matter what the cost. Jesus Christ's dad used to be a pretty cool god in the Old Testament, but then the liberal media corrupted him and turned him into a real wuss in the New Testament. Instead of smiting people or giving them SARS when they fucked up, God would just let them off the hook and claim that they'd eventually go to hell. That's weak. Now Greek gods on the other hand, man, they'd fuck your shit up big time. Look at these major players and tell me that our world wouldn't be better with these guys at the helm:
Aphrodite (goddess of love and beauty) - This horny vixen had the power to make anybody fall in love with anybody else. One time she got really pissed at rival goddess Eos, a fairly worthless deity on the grand scale of things, as she was the "goddess of the dawn." Oooh, wow, it's all you when the sun is going down, you're just some kind of Greek superstar! Eos humped Ares, which was Aphrodite's man, so Aphrodite turned Eos into a nymphomaniac whore. You can still see Eos on many episodes of "Jerry Springer."
Apollo (god of the arts, archery, and divination) - Yeah, that's right, "arts, archery, and divination." This was the real level-headed guy who stepped in when all the other gods were turning people into turtle monsters or throwing lightning bolts at each other. He'd say, "hey guys, let's keep it real" and then he'd draw a picture by conjuring up arrows full of paint tips or something.
Ares (god of war) - He killed everything and everybody whenever he wanted. Man, you did not want to fuck with Ares because this guy would cause an army to suddenly show up at your door and spear you to death if he overheard you saying something like "that Ares guy is a real ass" on the primitive version of a Greek phone, which I believe was a large stone attached to some rope that contained a large amount of philosophy.
Artemis (goddess of the hunt and protector of children) - This weird lady had a shitload of power and used it to routinely boss around the other gods like Judge Judy only without the hilarious "I'm the boss, applesauce" quips. She ran around the woods and shot people with arrows whenever she was bored. I don't know what the hell that "protector of children" thing means, as I'm pretty sure Gamera is the protector of children.
Athena (goddess of wisdom, war, and crafts) - What a great combination of powers: wisdom, war, and crafts! If that wasn't weird enough, the poet Hesiod claimed Athena emerged from the head of Zeus by literally popping out fully grown and armed for battle. All the male gods wanted to do Athena because she was wise, could kill a lot of people, and then make plates for them at the end of a hard day. One day a long time ago, some dumb broad named "Arachne" thought she was really hot shit when it came to weaving rugs, so she started bragging that she was a better rug weaver than Athena herself. Athena said, "oh no you don't, girlfriend" and promptly turned her into a spider after failing to weave a better rug. That's where the phrase "either weave a rug or get out of the kitchen" comes from, as well as "give 'em hell, Harry."
Demeter (goddess of agriculture and fertility) - She was like Queen Grain back in the day. Screw Quaker Oats and all those corporate bozos, when you wanted grain you came to Demeter. Also Quaker Oats didn't really exist back in the days of ancient Greece, so even if you really wanted to go to them, you'd ultimately end up walking a very far distance and standing around in an empty field full of trees and maybe hogs. According to the poet Hesiod, one day she engaged in sexual intercourse with a guy named "Iasion" in the middle of a field, thus enriching the soil with the female ejaculation of the gods. Although wheat grew very well in the field from that point on, I don't believe there's any amount of money you can pay me to eat anything grown there.
Dionysus (god of wine, mysteries, and the theatre) - He got drunk and wrote "Hardy Boys" novels I think. There was some mystery cult who worshipped him and I honestly believe my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Conrad was one of those people because, Christ, she made me read like 30 "Hardy Boys" novels in one semester.
Hephaistos (god of smiths and metal-workers) - As one of the only literally retarded gods, nobody else particularly cared for him, and Zeus even kicked him out of the exclusive Greek God club. He was last seen doing freelance spot welding in Detroit. And yes, he did have a mullet.
Hera (goddess of marriage) - If you ever wanted to get hitched up with some Roman floozy, you'd have to get Hera's permission first or else you wouldn't receive a complimentary $25 gift card for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Hera was not only the wife of Zeus, but his sister as well. This explains why many college film students see Woody Allen as a god.
Hermes (god of merchants) - According to Hesiod, "he presided over commerce, wrestling, and other gymnastic exercises, even over thieving, and everything, in short, which required skill and dexterity." In addition, he once killed a turtle and used it to invent the lyre, which he gave to Apollo in exchange for some "rod entwined with two serpents, called the caduceus" and tickets to Apollo's late night comedy theater show which featured many up and coming minority gods.
Poseidon (god of the sea and earthquakes) - Out of all the gods, Poseidon was definitely one of the most popular, mainly because if you failed to pray to him, he'd throw a thunderbolt at you and laugh as an earthquake destroyed your home city. He was generally a very cranky god, and when many ancient Greeks planned their summer vacations, they made sure to stay the hell away from Poseidon's secret underground sea base despite the fact that it was a secret and nobody knew where the hell it was located. When King Laomedon refused to pay for his town's new wall, Poseidon got pretty angry and ended up sending a Kraken to beat the hell out of his town. Then, after the city's inhabitants were all dead, they laughed because hey, it's a Kraken and that's just about the funniest mythological beast in the book. Poseidon also had sex with Medusa, so I'm guessing he was out partying with Dionysus the evening before he made out with that thing.
Zeus (god of the sky) - Zeus was the ultimate king hotpants god, the father of all father of all fathers' gods. He could be anywhere at anytime, much like Superman only without the faggy outfit. However, Zeus was not perfect, and one time his wife Hera said "look over there" and he did, and as a result the Battle of Troy occurred. Throughout his godliship, he had sex with a bunch of women and ended up producing a whole litter of mini-gods who all had goofy traits and hilarious sidekicks. Sometimes they wore hats. Green hats.
Compare and contrast these two sets of gods with each other and you'll clearly see that ancient Greek gods beat out our current gods in just about every aspect. Let me ask you Christians: when was the last time Jesus sent a sea monster to destroy an entire city? How about you Muslims, how many times has Allah gotten laid in a field out behind a barn, thereby giving you an incredible wheat harvest? And you Sikh people... well... you're just weird, that's all. If society follows my lead and brings back the ancient Greek gods that knew how to get results, our society will be infinitely more peaceful and full of meaning and we won't have to worry about stuff like getting raped by criminals or getting stabbed by criminals. Of course we'll have to worry about getting raped by gods or getting stabbed by gods, but that just goes with the territory and if you don't like it then become a god and change things from the inside, you big baby.
Zack "Grain Elevator" Parsons here with a scaldingly fresh Hentai Game Review. This week I've endured a double feature courtesy of Viper V16's two CD majesty. This review includes not one, not three, but two whole hentai games.
Occasionally you will run up against some competition that doesn't rape you immediately and you'll have to put Akira's martial arts skills to good use. Good use is a relative term. Her skills are being poorly used when she immediately submits to rapes, I suppose they're being used marginally better when she has an option of three "normale[sic]" attacks and three "continued" attacks with which to brutalize her opponent.
If that isn't a spicy meatball then I just don't know what is any longer. Set sail for the high seas of adventure in this week's Hentai Game Review of Viper V16!