Will Rock Will Rock, Seriously Sam, Quake 3 Arena Tournament 2003 Alpha (Part .001 of 1,000,000)
There was a point in time before Hitler's brain had taken over Zack's body and turned him into the obsessive Nazi slut we all know and fear today, although I can't personally recall it offhand. Perhaps this is one of those crazy "forced memories" all the fat sows on television have been blabbering about lately, where hypnotists simply "suggest" we experienced some events we never took part in and then bam, suddenly you recall having a favorable opinion of Unreal 2. This would explain why I've got Polaroids of my dad shoving me into the urine-soaked ball pit in the McDonaldland playground yet I fail to remember him shouting, "ALL BASTARD CHILDREN VISIT THE BALL PIT IN HELL, RICHARD" in my face as the authorities claimed. If this can be accomplished through some magical new age crystal-injecting therapy or simply by calling me up and telling me to remember what I should remember, then I'll give you up to 50 eCyberBucks, which is the brand new currency of money I invented while attempting to create something worthless that people would purchase besides a titty-lactating Maxim subscription which calls you a "dirty boy" and tosses out free samples of Viagra into your gaping, crusty maw like a dick-shaped Pez dispenser.
Since Zack is so focused on jacking around in Animal Crossing and making his animals train Beetle Larvae to write magnetic poetry in exchange for seedbells or whatever the hell that game is about, I've had to hold the steady stern of the PC gaming boat that once used to power this website to the point where we could compare Epic Neon Green Game's Cliffy B.'s facial hair to particular strains of crotch fungus and he'd email us within the following six hours, attaching nine megs of photos where he'd show off the bitchin' new hat he stole from a Leprechaun colony on Mars. Now Cliffy B. won't even drop us a line if we try to force our readers to experience forced memories of Cliffy leaping out of a cactus costume and jamming a bag of pinecones up their ass during the last New Year's Eve celebration. And I won't even fucking bother mentioning how Cliffy B. leapt out of that cactus costume and jammed a bag of pinecones up your ass last New Year's Eve celebration, because this site is of the highest journalistic integrity and I'm not going to screw it all up by talking about how Cliffy B. leapt out of that cactus costume and jammed a bag of pinecones up your ass last New Year's Eve celebration. After all, they don't hand out big red stickers displaying the title of "WEBMASTER" to any drunken crackhead wandering the streets these days. If they did, I'd imagine Gaming Groove would still be slappin' the stank ho ass of trailer park hoochie skank-bitches since the pork pudding shot a wad into yo mama's eye and earning a $2.00 CPM for showing 468x60 banner ads of a bicycle shop accompanied with a Times New Roman font declaring how they're "extreme."
This inherent "gaming dopeness" that I just displayed to all you hip hop prodigies out there who can rhyme the word "LOL" with just about anything when talking shit on your favorite Counter-Strike Temple of AWP Worship server, makes me the ideal person on the SA staff when it comes to keeping up to date on all the new and exciting PC gaming titles such as "Failed Game 2: This Time We Try Harder" and "Yet Another Failed Game 2: We Didn't Know C++ Had a Debugger Until Today." Zack, with the exception of his recent Unreal 2 review, doesn't play any PC games except ones where you can download volumetric poison gas maps and skins that change the scientists in the game into Jews. He thinks he's better than the rest of us, and he's undoubtedly a lot better than at least me, as I don't even play any PC games because I'm so used to seeing the phrase "MISSION FAILURE" stamped across my monitor that it's burned itself into the screen. Now I can't distinguish my army's tanks from approaching headcrabs or spinning ads for another EA piece of shit they released simply to mark their territory to all the other gaming companies on Best Buy's display rack next to the featured Mariah Carey CD she produced while giving birth to some alien roach with a robotic spine. So because Zack thinks he's so much damn better than me, I'll take this opportunity to take cheap shots at him and make up crap which may or may not be true, and more than likely isn't. You guys ever wonder why Zack always "volunteers" to do the Hentai Game Reviews? Yeah, that's right, we're talking about prison records and little girls forcibly dressed up like his mother and shackled in the closet here.
My PC prowess recently led me to the Russian magic well of gaming excitement, Saber Interactive, and their upcoming smash hit title "Will Rock," a game that will undoubtedly settle the raging debate of "should Russians stop pirating software all the time and instead make some of their own?" The answer to this, of course, is "no" or maybe "hell no" or possibly even "good Lord no." Will Rock is being created by a bunch of filthy criminals in Russia who have stolen all their modeling software and textures from ISOs that mysteriously showed up on their Russian doorstep a few days after they accidentally ordered them for 15 Russian dollars through the Russian mail. This is the game that Serious Sam wanted to be but couldn't because of its inherently topical and realistic nature, just like watching CNN from behind the view of a pulsating pink rocket launcher. We're reporting that Shack News has been reporting on a lot of sites reporting on Will Rock recently, probably because they're too embarrassed to link to the Mortyr 2 preview on Manny's Big N' Bad Tripod site, or the exclusive screenshots from Postal 2 which look a lot like rejected images from the BMX XXX promo / AIDS detection kit. I'm fine with this though, as Will Rock looks as if it might fill that gaping hole in my stomach has been eating away at me ever since I realized nothing good is ever going to come out of Russia unless it's being shipped from a Japanese airline that had to stop in their country and refuel. Here's a part of IGN's "We Made a Mistake and Forgot to Shut Down Years Ago" Action Vault interview with a couple of the nameless blackhearts behind Will Rock:
Action Vault: It seems safe to assume the mythological setting reflects the game's overall theme? Without giving away any major spoilers, what are the main plot or storyline and the ultimate objective?
Vladimir Chernysh: The main theme of this game is as old as the world itself. It's the story of saving a damsel in distress. In our case, she has disappeared in the mountains during an archaeological expedition. The player, playing the role of Will Rock, has to find traces of her disappearance in a kingdom of ruins, hidden treasures and dangerous mythical monsters and opponents. Only after the player has trekked his way through the ruins of the ancient world, gathering treasures in the process, will he find his way to the lucky lady.
So you're committing genocide against entire races of creatures and animals just so you can get laid. This is why Russia lost their world superpower influence and now spends all their time passing secret notes to China when America's back is turned. Also note that I put the name "Will Rock" in bold print, just to make sure none of the homosexuality located inside it could leak out and possibly tarnish the rest of the site. Vladimir Chernysh continues his interview to explain, "Greek mythology has really not been explored in the action genre, and we felt that an FPS using mythological opponents would be a fun and different experience." You know what? You're goddamn right Vlad the Inhaler, no company has really fleshed out the whole "FPS in ancient Greece" idea except Daikatana, but that obviously doesn't count because hey, it's Daikatana. I also noticed that there is a surprising lack of first-person shooters that take place entirely in automotive body repair shops or mall nail parlors. You want to know why? Because Greece fucking sucks. Nobody wants to spend $50 or $25 or $5 blowing up Greeks in the face with a Civil War-era shotgun that was magically teleported to the past by using vague technology like gaping plot holes. Nobody cares about Greece these days except creepy high school history teachers and people in college who can't think of a real subject to major in. When I think "Greece," I think of old naked guys with beards talking about triangles and pi and the calendar. Or maybe that was the Romans. Or the Mayans.
Either way, it doesn't matter - who the hell wants to fight Greeks, Romans, or Mayans? We're talking about a game with about as much entertainment as a 3D ear cleaning simulator that provides realistic force feedback by jamming our mouse with that crap which somehow flies out of my navel hole and mates with the mousepad. If any of you up and coming game developers out there are wondering why there haven't been any successful FPS titles which took place in ancient Mesopotamia and revolved around brutally massacring a bunch of colored folk equipped with garden trowels blessed by the Volcano God, let me give you a little hint: it's because nobody wants to fucking play it. You can now close up shop and give me your $300 Russian dollars you were going to use to build that bitchin' engine of yours from a warezed copy of Visual Basic. But don't let me stop you there, the interview continues in its quest to not only make Will Rock look retarded, but Action Stop or Action Squat or Action Pump or whatever the site is named, appear to be bonus retarded.
Andrey Iones: One thing worth mentioning is that our technology allows us to create weapons-based effects that are pretty shocking. Utilizing real-time morphing, rigid body dynamics and real-time breaking algorithms we are able to create weapons effects that blow the mind, many of which are pretty revolutionary.
And exactly what are these mind-blowing weapons which are so orgasmic that only a Russian making games about killing Greeks could make? Take it away Vladimir, hopefully as far away as possible!
Vladimir Chernysh: He has a wide range of weapons at his disposal. In addition to the standard array of firearms such as the revolver and shotgun, we are also using a sniper cross bow that shoots the fiery arrows, a bazooka, and a machine gun that typically mounts on an airplane - somewhat similar to the minigun in the Serious Sam.
I bold printed random words in that sentence not because they were important, but to show the Russians that I've got the power here and I'm the one in control and their laughingstock Red Army holds no threat to me or this site whatsoever. So the good news is that you'll finally be able to kill large amounts of Greek people and animals by using yet another new game engine, which is just completely revolutionary and as mind-explodingly wonderful as can be, but the EVEN BETTER news is that you'll do so by using guns that you're so goddamn familiar with from other PC games that you can already guess which key every weapon is mapped to. Maybe this lends a bit of excitement to the concept of "traveling to exciting places in the past that you never wanted to visit and murdering all its inhabitants with various familiar or retarded weapons" which many great games these days seem to lack, probably because no "great" game designer would bother addressing them. All "great" game designers are too busy putting WWII weapons and WWII enemies in a WWII environment and naming the game something that begins with the phrase "WWII" so everybody knows the game has something to do with WWII. Note that there were no Greeks in WWII, nor were there evil animated skeletons or "statues that come to life," except possibly in the "Return to Castle Wolfenstein" version of WWII, which was so fucking great that they had to cancel the expansion pack to it. I'm sure that news just broke Zack's cold, dead, iron heart.
Action Vault: To what extent will Will Rock include scripted events, and for what purposes in addition to advancing the plot? Will there be many, and what degree of importance will they have overall?
Andrey Iones: Will Rock also features puzzles to solve that require a player to perform a certain action. When this requirement (such as pulling a lever for example) is satisfied, a short scripted event will take place.
If there's one thing the crew of Saber Interactive knows, it's what gamers do and do not want. They know that we all want to kill Greeks, but only with semi-modern and cliched weapons. They know that we enjoy walking around ancient Greece, but we'd also liked to be attacked by skeletons imported from a freeware Poser file. They also know that we gamers enjoy a good challenge such as trying to walk into a big wooden stick and subsequently pressing the "USE" key, two independent actions which are just about as challenging and complex as writing a new gaming engine and then figuring out a way to fag it up so much that no developer will think of using it unless they got a warezed copy along with with Russian Outlook XP For Russians. Not that I have anything against ancient Greece, as I feel many great things came from that era, such as a complete lack of ancient-Greece based first-person shooters. Also, without ancient Greece, there would never have been an end to the era of ancient Greece, which means we could've hypothetically still be in the era of ancient Greece if it wasn't for them deciding to all get killed by the Romans or the Egyptians or the skeletons or whatever killed them off. If Zack was in charge of writing this, he would've entitled that previous sentence "Seig Hilarity!", marked with a blue square bullet point with the black box around it. Instead, he is sitting around and not writing about Will Rock and not playing PC games and not thinking he's not better than all of us just because he doesn't read PC gaming news like I do and instead gets glossy magazines which slide off his legs when he tries to read them on the toilet. To end this informative romp through ancient Greece and various other places us hardcore gamers absolutely wanted to go to, let me copy and paste a quote from Action Vat which proves Snowball.com has been using all their anti-marijuana ad cash to build a bigger and better robotic tongue to shove up game developers' asses:
We can't predict how much the Saber Interactive team should expect to receive in the way of useful input as Will Rock moves forward, but we do expect to be seeing and hearing much more about this title. It seems a certain bet to attract growing attention between now and release, which is likely to be later this year. Thanks to Andrey Iones and Vladimir Chernysh for this tremendously informative introduction to a game we'll be following with even greater interest in the weeks and months to come.
What the fuck does that first sentence even mean? Did they translate it to Russian and then back to English in order to appease the pirating Stalinists over in the Motherland? Does Action Romp expect you and I to fire up our email and start sending messages to Vladimir saying "make the 'walk forward' key cause your character to walk forward"? Here's some useful input for you, Saber Interactive: nobody gives a shit about ancient Greece. Nobody cares about Civil War shotguns. Nobody wants to shoot statues or lustful skeletons wearing leather helmets. You can take your game engine which you created from a pointer tutorial and added the ability to display both health and armor at once, and transport it back to ancient Greece where some old guy may try to calculate the angles of the shipping box until he's killed and, thousands of years later, somebody wonders why nobody spent time making a game that took place in his front yard. Look for this great product to show up on shelves below Valu-Soft's latest ripoff of WWII games, "WWII: The WWII Chapter: WWII Edition." Zack already knows how the game ends; with him getting a hard-on.
Gold In That There Mine of Gold!
It's Tuesday and you know what that means: spankings and anal probes all around! Wait no, that means it's time for the Comedy Goldmine, you jackasses! Today we cover a topic that we've covered many times in the past and in many different forms: "Failed First-Person Shooters." I just thought it would be a good match with today's frontpage update, which was about a very failed FPS, just in case you forgot or have already blocked it out from your memory like I have.
Make the clicking to be here and nobody will get hurt, except maybe your brain.