State Og Monthly Report
Good news! Hahahha, just kidding.
Hungry? Well, State Og's franchise restaurant, OgBurger, is still churning out quality in upstate New Jersey. If you live in the area (or even if you don't, there's no excuse), come in today and check out our delicious array of OgTreats!
Let our host, Percy the Paramecium, guide you to your chair and strap you in. Remember, "customer service" is second only to "silencing the health inspectors" on our list of importance, so you're in good stumps. I mean hands.
Need proof? Just take a look at Azrael "Dark Lord" McGruder, our employee of the month, who was a washed-up child actor before he joined the company. You'll be happy to know he is now a happy employee of OgBurger and a docile patient at the American Institution for Total Retards.
"Working at OgBurger made me the man I am today."
To start off your meal, you might want to try a delicious OgSalad, freshly picked from the weed patch in the alleyway. Mmmm, it's car-exhaustily delicious! When you've shoved enough of that down your churning gullet, try a fantabuloriffic OgShake. Our milkshakes are made with a secret recipe so delicious, it was banned in fifty-one states. We can't tell you what we make the shakes out of, but the word of the day is, "SPUTUM"!
And what would a burger joint be without hamburgers? Our burgers are the cat's pajamas and flesh. There's no way you can possibly resist our combination of seasoned mostly-meat patties, fresh lettuce, sesame-seed buns, and uncut heroin. You'll keep coming back for more and more and more!
Portions not large enough? Ask for your order to be BehemoSized!
With all this quality, you'd be a fool not to come down for a bite! OgBurger.... Tastes so good, you'll shit blood!
Well, it's another dull day at work, at least for those of you with actual jobs, not that we at State Og would know anything about that. Do you need something to liven up your monotonous dead-end desk job? Well, here's a keen prank that the Barrel-O-Fun department, performed on unsuspecting manager Gary McClane:
Step 1: We took a Styrofoam cup and filled it full of cold water from the cooler.
Step 2: Next, we found Gary's office and opened the door so it hung just slightly ajar.
Step 3: We carefully placed the cup of cold water on top of the door.
Step 4: We waited for Gary to come out of his office.
Steps 5-72: We threw rocks and medical waste at Gary until he died!
H We have received numerous emails asking such things as "What does State Og mean? Is it a name? An acronym? Tell me now!" Well, maybe this isn't true. Most of this month's emails were more along the lines of "Help! Your new automated Shrapnel-Boy(tm) action figures are trying to bayonet me while I sleep!". But we won't pay attention to those for now. We scoured the HQ today, looking for the reason that the name 'State Og' graces every nametag, letterhead, and red-hot branding iron in this building. Here's what we've come up with so far:
Evidence points to State Og being an acronym of some sort. Its probable meaning? We don't know, but it's possible 'Og' stands for one or more of these:
Alternatively, there is also some evidence that the word 'Og' is just a shortened version of 'Aaaaaaaauuuugh!', which as we all know is the most popular catchphrase with State Og customers and employees alike. As for the word 'State', it is unlikely we will ever know its meaning for sure.
Stocking up, the State Og way! Here's a short list of recommended Og products that are highly recommended by our elite team of product testers (who, incidentally, will be missed). So, the next time you're in the market for quality, and all the good stores are closed, come get these amazing items!
HyrauliCrush adjustable bed
Plug-in cyanide air freshener
Leering Hideous Clown life-size party decoration
Safe-T padded S&M gear for beginners
The amazing shrinking necklace
Re-Animator children's chemistry set
Korgath, the malfunctioning homicidal security robot
Well, that concludes this action-packed issue of State Og. Before we go, here's a little safety reminder from everyone's favorite Yakuza assassin, Bob Karohashi.
"Remember, kids, it's all fun and games until someone gets impaled on my Accursed Blade of the Ten Thousand Screams. Then it's only fun for me."