State Og Update: 02.08.03
State Og: We Put Good Things To Death
State Og recently began its Net Team A program, whose goal is to advance our dubious agenda on the internet using the latest in technology (and which should not be confused with Net Team B, whose sole purpose is to destroy the internet). Team A's first project has been completed: to use the blank space between words on web pages as a platform to send subliminal messages to unsuspecting readers. So enjoy this week's State Og, and don't fight any urges to kill family members, drink State Og brand bleach, or force animals of different species to have sex while drinking bleach and killing your family! Special thanks go out to Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (Jock Itch, Colorado), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Falling Falls, Michigan), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Middleof, Nowhere), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Squeeky, Arizona), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Hot Dog City, Carolina).
Red Buster Roy Cohn field tests a prototype Pinkometer. Although the Red Scare was soon to fizzle out, resourceful Mr. Cohn personally found many other uses for the device.
The year was 1952, and America had the fever -- Red Fever! Communists were lurking around every corner and hiding in every bush, scheming to push their crimson tentacles further into the underpants of Schoolgirl America. It was up to a fearless few to root out these degenerates, hand in hand with the forces of American Free Enterprise.
The big problem was that unlike other enemies of the state like the undead and those bloodthirsty moon men, it can be very hard to differentiate between a drooling, filthy communist and the rest of the drooling, filthy population. That's why State Og put someone's nose to the grindstone and its shoulder to the wheel and came up with a brilliant idea: a hat that screams as though in excruciating pain whenever a Communist or bumblebee was within fifteen feet.
In a whir of effort that showcases the immense power of predatory greed, the boys in the lab slapped together a few prototypes and delivered them posthaste to the valiant men who held vigil against the ravening communist hordes. Its initial use revealed a thousand times more communists than previously expected. Further use revealed that it didn't really work at all, but not in time to save loving grandmother Ada Schlitz, who was put to death in the electric chair in August 1953, eliciting a torrent of protest from her twenty-seven cats. While also linked to an epidemic of one-eyed flipper babies, no conclusive proof was ever brought to authorities before we had a chance to bribe them.
When all was said and done the project was a financial failure, but we here at State Og are proud that we did our part to preserve the traditions of freedom and democracy for a new generation of Americans, flippered and non-flippered alike.
State Og Delivers Love
So, your wife's co-worker got flowers from her lover today. According to your wife that means that "Suzy's husband loves her more than you love me." Not only that, but if you send your wife flowers then you are only doing it because you feel guilty, and that doesn't count! State Og has the solution. Flowers are easily plucked and stored in a vase, and there is little work involved. We don't deliver flowers, we deliver something unique and laborsome to produce.
Just think how delighted your wife, or gay life partner, would be to come into work and be greeted by her own uprooted redwood tree, right where her desk used to be. We'll do all the work for you. We will dig through the floor, transplant the tree, and cut a hole through the roof for sunlight. But redwoods are not all that we have to offer.
We also deliver mangroves. We will deliver a healthy mangrove and even flood the office to ensure that it is in its preferred environment. Just think, for every angry employee who has to roll up their pant legs your wife will be reminded of how much you love her.
Move Over, SUVs! No, Really, Move Over
Bored with your Lexus? Tired of the Infiniti? Rolls Royce got you down? Maybe it's time to move to the next level in luxury motor vehicles. State Og is proud to announce the Jollymore, a full-featured 60 ton luxury battle tank.
The Jollymore comes with all the amenities you're accustomed to, such as an all leather interior, a multi-CD changer, heated throttle controls and self-tinting windows. With a 120 mm cannon and powerful 1800 horse power engine, nothing will ever get between you and your next tennis match or embezzlement hearing, or if it does it really won't matter. Despite all this power the Jollymore runs as smooth as a baby's bottom that's been ground to fine paste beneath the treads of an enormous vehicle.
As is the case with all fine vehicles, many fine options are available for a minimal additional cost. For instance; the mounted machine gun can be upgraded from shooting bullets to spraying Cristal, or, at your choice, both at once! You also may add a stylish spoiler to the rear of the vehicle, which doubles as a mounting rack for self-propelled surface-to-air rockets. Watch those flyboys scatter! The Jollymore comes in black, beige, classic camouflage, or chrome for that slick ultra-modern look.
Don't be the last in your neighborhood to drive a Jollymore; you will look weak and out of touch!
State Og Hostage Update
We have received word that over the past few hours George Richardson, one of our employees, and his family have been taken hostage by a group of terrorists plotting against State Og. As all State Og employees know, the first proper action after being taken hostage by a terrorist organization is to spray the State Og Amnesia Solution into your eyes so you will forget all State Og Secrets in case you are tortured. We have assurances from George's family that he has sprayed the solution into his eyes and, by doing so, will not compromise State Og intelligence.
The next step in our defense against terrorists who threaten State Og employees is to wait forty-eight hours. We here at State Og strongly believe that time solves anything, and terrorist attacks are no exception. Also, this waiting period forces the terrorists to "sweat it out" so to speak, giving us a psychological advantage as well as time to prepare.
The final step, and by far the most crucial, is sending the State Og Counter-Terrorist Team to the hostage site. The team is instructed with these two basic objectives that are common to all State Og rescue attempts.
The primary objective is rescuing the hostages using shrapnel grenades thrown at or near the terrorists. We believe this will save more lives than our previous solution: an air to ground nuclear missile assault.
The secondary objective is locking down the threatened sector. State Og uses part of the counter-terrorist team to lay tripwire and bury land mines around the circumference of the area to keep the crowd away from the situation and the terrorists in it. So we do not waste resources, the unused land mines are programmed with a timer to go off at a later, safer date, long after the terrorist threat has died down. This objective should be accomplished first if possible.
State Og will be following these terrorism fighting guidelines to help the Richardson family out of their crisis. Using this method, we can ensure that we are always one step ahead of terrorism and that, as a State Og employee, you will be safe if this unfortunate circumstance should ever happen to you.
Thinking of Suing State Og? Here’s the Generic Form Letter You’ll Get if You Do!
So, you’ve decided to sue State Og!
Congratulations and thank you! There aren’t words in any language effective enough to describe the degree of gleeful excitement we feel whenever we get a letter from someone’s attorney alerting us to some impending lawsuit. A lot of people out there in la-la land, such as yourself, seem to be under the deluded impression that legal threats will somehow intimidate us into changing our policies or paying the medical bills of people who somehow manage to hurt themselves using our one of our many fun, fun products – such as our popular State Og Brand Soft-Serve Ice Cream Maker / Tesla Coil.
Your plan lawsuit is destined to fail. Why? Well, let’s just say it might have something to do with how proud we are of the vast numbers of politicians, police officials, judges, and webmasters around the world who are on our payroll. Some organizations would try to conceal something like this. Not us. Hell, it’s printed on all our company stationery. So, we’re very confident that we will win any case you bring against us. Hell, there’s a really good chance your own lawyer is on the take too. Why are we bothering to tell you this? Well, we just wanted you to know how we’re going to turn the Table-o’-Trivial-Lawsuits around on your sorry ass. Here’s an easy to follow list of events to expect after you take the first steps towards suing State Og:
Step One: You are shot. You are then shot again-and-again, until our agents’ State Og Brand Life-Force Scanners confirm you are irrevocably dead. At first glance, you may have noticed that there are several steps to our plan, and you might surprised to learn that being killed comes so early in the process. Well, we are working on the assumption that there is an afterlife and that your ghost will now watch helplessly as disaster unfolds around your surviving loved ones.
Step Two: We sue every member of your family in civil court, due to the damage your body did to our property: the agents’ bullets. Remember those judges we’ve bought? Well don’t be surprised when they order your next-of-kin to pay an excessive amount in punitive damage (Hint: the word “Google” isn’t just the name of a popular Internet search engine).
Step Three: We send those wacky State Og agents back in time again to the 6th Century A.D. to accost Pope St. Gregory the Great and force him to consecrate the bullets, which will in the future be used to shoot you, thus making them “holy bullets.”
Step Four: Back in the present, we see to it that the local authorities prosecute your family for negligently not taking any steps to prevent you from destroying religious artifacts. They should expect to see some hard prison time.
Step Five: We send our agents back in time, yet again, to stop themselves from shooting you. Frankly, a swift death is too good for you.
Step Six: Being eaten alive from within over the course of several hours by a couple of genetically engineered mutant piranhagerbils, however, is good enough for you. Remember, when our agents show up at your door with a cage full of piranhagerbils, latex gloves, a tube of K-Y, some industrial-strength epoxy and a cork, don’t be ashamed of feeling afraid. In fact, we encourage you to get hysterical, start screaming, calling the police (remember we’ve bought most of them off too), and putting up a struggle. Our agents like that. It gives them a reason to use their Tazers.
Step Seven: At this point we get bored (Besides our Killbot Division probably wants to use our time machine by now to send robots back in time to kill the ancestors of the people we really hate) and notify PETA about you using your body to cruelly imprison two innocent piranhagerbils. They will no doubt hold numerous protests at your relatives’ homes and the cemetery that you’re buried at for many years to come.
There you have it! Now you know the future consequences of your actions. Even if the goal of your lawsuit is solely to get a public apology, we will spare no expense nor let the risk of collapsing the universe in on itself due to all time-paradoxes we carelessly create daunt us from getting away with whatever the hell it is you want to sue us over.
Some State Og Guy