State Og Update: 05.14.05
Welcome once again to State Og, the only feature on Something Awful that didn't sleep with Wilt Chamberlain. Special thanks this week go to: Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott, Don "Motorcycle" Jolly, and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.
OgEx: We'll Get It There!
Ask any businessman, and they'll tell you: the mail is the lifeblood of business. There are times, however, when sending a package or letter by regular mail just isn't an option. There are even times, rare though they may be, when even private parcel services aren't fast enough; when a parcel absolutely, positively, must get to its destination seemingly faster than is humanly possible.
At times like that, many people would be tempted to throw open the nearest supply closet and drink as much bleach as possible, eternally bidding farewell to friend, family, and career. Luckily for these suicidal souls, we at State Og have a solution, and that solution is OG EXPRESS.
OgEx isn't just any parcel delivery business. The employees of OgEx are fanatical in their desire to get your package to where it needs to be, and may the gods help anyone or anything that stands in their way. Once they pick up your precious item, it will be delivered with the utmost speed. There's no need for any sort of money-back guarantee; we WILL deliver your parcel. Failure is not a possible outcome.
We hear you asking, “but how?” To better understand how OgEx manages such lightning-fast speeds, let's take a look at how your hypothetical package might be delivered.
You're at work, and you find that a vital report wasn't mailed out the previous day. It needs to be at another office at the other end of the city by 11:00 a.m. If it weren't for traffic, you might be able to drive it there in time, but even a cursory glance out your tenth-story window at the streets below tells you that driving is out of the question. Further, it's obvious that there's no way that any delivery service, private or otherwise, will get the report there in two hours. What can you do?
Why, you can rely on us, of course! You call your local OgEx office with your request. Our friendly and competent staff will get the relevant details and pass them on to our delivery people.
Two drivers – Ed and Joe for the purposes of this exercise – dash into the break room. Quickly, they throw open the fridge and grab two bottles of State Og brand StimFun. This stimulant-enriched fruit juice gives our drivers the get-up-and-go that they need to get your package where it needs to be. With a celebratory headbutting, they each down a bottle.
Twenty seconds after drinking the StimFun, it takes effect. Ed and Joe scream primally as energy blasts through their bodies. Clawing at themselves, they thrash around the break room as they ride out the throes of our patented 1 Minute Rage. Flesh and clothing are rent, furniture is smashed, and the room fills with unholy shrieks.
Bleeding from thousands of tiny scratches but now somewhat more in control of themselves, our drivers sprint to the garage and hurl themselves into the nearest delivery van. Gibbering insanely, Joe throws it into gear while Ed makes other preparations for the 10 mile drive to your office.
After only one mile, Ed and Joe run into heavy traffic. For any other delivery person, the wild ride would end here. Not for our OgEx employees, though! Joe keeps the van moving at a constant 80 miles per hour, weaving around cars where possible, and driving on the sidewalk where it isn't. As Joe drives, Ed leans out and fires short bursts from his submachine gun at any pedestrians that don't get out of the way quickly enough. He also tosses a few explosive charges out the window. The exploding and burning cars left in Joe and Ed's wake will serve to deter any competing delivery services from following, and will slow the advance of the police.
Having blazed a trail of death through the city, our drivers finally reach your office. There's no time to try and find a parking space, though. Instead, Joe drives through the large glass windows of your building's lobby, screeching to a halt in front of the elevators. Ed dashes out of the van while Joe provides covering fire, killing and maiming anyone who strays too close. The elevator arrives, blessedly empty, and Ed enters.
Ed arrives on your floor. He sprints down the hall, searching for the room number that he has branded upon his mind. Finally finding it, he kicks down your door, smashes you across the face with the small lamp sitting on your desk, and grabs the report. Screaming curses, he then turns and dashes back to the elevator.
Ed vaults over the mounds of dead and dying and leaps back into the van as Joe throws it into gear. With a mighty roar, the van crashes back out into the street. It is 70 miles to their destination, and they have 90 minutes to get there.
Joe and Ed have not been making enough progress: they are only five miles away from your office, and still have 65 more to go. Traffic, police, and panicked citizens have conspired to slow them to a crawl.
Spotting a motorcyclist nearby, Ed quickly comes up with a plan. He packs your report into a backpack, along with as much ammunition as he can carry. With a farewell headbutt to Joe, he drinks another StimFun and runs out the side door of the van. Joe once again provides covering fire as Ed sprints to the motorcyclist. He reaches the cyclist just as the Rage takes hold, and tears out his throat with a single mighty bite. Tossing the dying man aside, Ed mounts the motorcycle and blasts down the street, weaving in and out of traffic with an ease that was previously impossible in the large van. The sirens and anguished yelling are far behind him now – Ed now hears nothing but the screaming of the wind mingled with his own jubilant screeching.
Ed arrives at his destination. Once again, there is no time to find a parking space. Ed drives his stolen motorcycle through the front door of the office building, running over several office workers in the process. He rides up the wide, ornate staircase leading from the spacious lobby to the first floor, finally crashing into a wall and startling countless people who had, until now, been looking forward to another dull day at the office. Pausing to vomit a geyser of bright red blood, Ed brings out his weapon and once again causes it to sing its song of pain.
Having stalked through twenty floors, Ed finally comes before room 2117. He kicks down the door, quickly kills everyone inside, and carefully leaves your parcel on a mostly undamaged desk. The report has been delivered with 15 minutes to spare.
And there you have it. With OgEx, there's no need to worry. Ed, Joe, and countless others just like them are standing by, ready to help you do business when other companies can't. OgEx: we'll get it there!
Important Democratic Announcement
Attention all employees! As a select few of you are aware, Saturday will be the start of early voting in this office's district. Although your political beliefs are of no consequence to State Og, we are recommending all our employees vote “NO” on Proposition 235.
This proposal, as you may be aware, gives sweeping, unnecessary powers (including super-speed and flight) to costumed vigilantes who have often been at odds with the Evil Industry, of which we are a part. I hardly need to remind everyone what happened at our Calcutta Earthquake Factory last year, when two spunky shape-changing teens destroyed the facility by turning into a bucket of purple water and a rhinoceros.
There have been other troubles, as well. In 2002, our completely benevolent plan to somehow cure overpopulation by replacing the Earth's core with M-80s was foiled by an honorable Samurai with a tornado for a body. The list of projects foiled goes on – The Head Exploder, The Device That Turns Oil Into Dead Puppies, The World's Largest Sentient Scissors. If these important research areas continue to be destroyed, we will have no choice but to begin downsizing employees, with our formidable shrink ray.
Together, we crush the super-fools, and improve productivity 180%.
- Your Management
Attention All Fishermen!
According to the new Discovery Channel series “Deadliest Catch,” fishing in the rough, stormy waters of the North Pacific is a fantastic way of catching delicious critters like the fabled Alaskan king crab, which you can easily catch with your bare hands once an inevitable hostile wave sends you and your ship down to the bottom of the ocean. But what if you want to catch fish or crustaceans without drowning? Or what if, every time you go out to sea to claim your share of the oceans rich bounty, the fish seem to stay clear of your boat, like it has aquaherpes?
Well, State Og is happy to introduce our new line of fishing boats that are not only difficult to sink but feature a hull that actually attracts fish, thanks to our patented designs using space age technology! First, we take one fresh blue whale carcass and hollow it out from its topside, just like a dugout canoe! Next, we wait. After the whale ripens to enough to meet our demanding high standards, we attach two high-powered outboard engines to are powered by the gases produced by the whale's own festering flesh. Finally, we paint on a few racing stripes and christen our new vessel with a bottle of Everclear broken against its snout by local Anchorage prostitute and Spanish Civil War expert, Flo “Candy” Dolinski.
If you buy one of our new boats, not only will fish of all shapes and flavors come from miles around to nibble on your delicious new boat, but our whaleships will be the only vessel in the ocean our large fleet of U-boats won't be actively trying to sink this season. The first two-hundred people to order one of our fine fishing boats will get a free can of professional air freshener that easily overpowers the stench of rotting whale flesh with the fresh, clean scent of dolphin corpse. There's only one bottle, so those two-hundred people will have to work out some kind schedule to share it among themselves.