State Og Update: 05.27.05
Welcome to another edition of State Og, the company whose Thanksgiving Day parade float worked so well that no one saw it. Special thanks this week go to: Tom "Smoking Dragon" Clancy, Don "Motorcycle" Jolly, and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell.
State Og Will Replace Smokey the Bear With A Brand New Fire Safety Mascot!
As part of the settlement with the US Forest Service over that whole “super mutant termite” incident we've replaced the outdated Smokey the Bear fire safety mascot with a hip and corporate sponsored mascot that will teach today's kids about fire safety! The new mascot, Chris the Chain Smoking Dragon, was designed by the Smoking Dragon artist and the public service campaign was created by Todd the marketing guy from Camel Cigarettes. We feel the broad appeal the Smoking Dragon already has with adolescents and the successful history of marketing to youths Camel Cigarettes has will help get kids interested and educated about the do's and don'ts of fire safety. The mascot will appear in comics, television commercials and educational videos. Some of the messages he will stress to kids include:
- Only Camel cigarettes are proven to prevent forest fires
- Practice lighting matches around oily rags in oxygen tents to get good at not accidentally starting fires
- Learn to ignore the voices in your heard when they tell you to start forest fires
- $15 in Camel Cash will get you a free t-shirt
- Buy the StateOg Val-U-Built Fire Quasi-Resistant Child's Safety Blanket™ or you'll die a horrible, fiery death
StateOg and Camel will cover all the future marketing expenses saving the forest service millions which they can use for more portable bathrooms that are never cleaned and those gay hats they always wear.
State Og's Scholarship Opportunities
Hi kids! We know that graduating from high school can be stressful, and that paying for college can be an even bigger hassle! That's why we at State OG are proud to announce some new scholarship opportunities open to you.
The Dirty Sanchez Memorial Fund – Open to all students of Latin American descent, with at least a 3.0 grade point average and involvement in one or more extracurricular activity. All applicants will be asked to swim across the Rio Grande , from the Mexican side to the U.S. , while trained judges yell racial slurs and throw tacos. The reward is 200 to 500 pesos, or an equivalent Taco Bell gift card.
The Giiaa;llvnn'x Fund – Open only to students who have heard the profane call of the damned echoing from deep within the black morass of their great emptiness. All applicants must obey the drummed commands of the old ones – even if their requests are … unusual. The reward is an eternity of arcane pleasure in the ashen fleshpots of Pluto.
The “We Will Kick The Crap Out Of You” Fund – Open to all students. Applicants must be smarmy little shits with punchable faces. The reward is full tuition for 4 years, or a savage beating delivered by an expert Samoan extraction squad. It's a surprise!
Good luck on your college search from State Og!
A Strange Turn Of Events
When we made the decision to launch a brand of dog food that was also the strongest burning petroleum-based fuel known to man, we didn't think anything would possibly go wrong. As it turns out, we were right. We've already begun to receive lab results showing that the average dog's lifespan has increased by three years, and people without pets are getting more miles per kibble than they would have thought possible.
Everyone is incredibly happy, and we've made such a large profit from this exciting product that all employees can receive a free ice cream sandwich or juice in the cafeteria today. Nice job everyone!