State Og Update: 04.12.03
Before we delve into this week's update, I have some urgent news. It seems that a most grievous error has occurred at our packaging plant. All packages of State Og brand "I Love You This Much..." chocolates produced since March 20th have been filled with our bioengineered Really Angry Wasps Who Sting Repeatedly And Never Die. If you thought you were buying delicious chocolates for a loved one but instead discovered this nasty and not at all delicious surprise, we ask that you send us $30 because those wasps cost alot of money. Thanks this week to: Matt "Krang" Eckert (lead vocals), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (rhythm harp), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (turntables), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (backup kazoo).
Deeper Cleansing Acne Cream Field Test
State Og has developed a secret acne fighting formula recently in its labs, and we’re looking for test subjects to try out this product. The safety of the State Og Deeper Cleansing Acne Cream is not an issue here, as we have already tested the prescription on mentally challenged (therefore oblivious to harm) mice, cats, and penguins. We were pleased with the animals’ progression; three out of five experienced a 50% decrease in facial acne, and we even recorded a -perhaps unrelated- decline in the overpopulation of each species.
Overview of the Cream
The State Og Deeper Cleansing Acne Cream works, as you may have guessed, on an even deeper cleaning level than regular, more boring acne creams. In addition, the cream is the same shade of glowing green as State Og Radioactive Hair Gel: Deadly-Hard Formula, giving the product a friendly, familiar feeling to our hair gel customers. The cream works by cleaning much deeper than regular acne creams, sending the formula deep, deep down into the face. Other creams claim to rid acne by getting right down to the pores, but how far down are these “pores,” really?
“Not really, you know,” says our facial expert, Linda Brown. “The pores aren’t very deep, and that’s what the acne creams advertised on television say they go down to. Pores are like, right there on the face. You can almost see them, you know?” Yes, we know, Linda. This is why our cream digs deeper than the pores to expose the next level of fresh, clean skin under the acne-ridden layer. Complete acne eradication is our motto.
Experiment Signup Information
To take part in the assessment of our cream, which does have a monetary recompense, we ask only that the State Og Test Subject Requirements be met. The three requirements are as follows:
Subject must have a family of four or more.
Subject must not be dirty mutant scum.
Subject must undergo State Og Bias Eliminator Radiation Therapy.
And that’s all you need to be tested with a cream which may provide the human race with never-before-seen acne destroying power!
Breasts: The Way Nature Probably Intended
Ladies, are you tired of feeling like the least attractive woman in the room? Wouldn't you like to do something to make yourself a little bit sexier? Are you in the State Og secretarial pool and need a raise? Then breast implants are the way to go!
Forget about those dangerous silicon-filled bags of crap that most plastic surgeons will try to push on you. State Og is now offering a safe, environmentally conscious breast implant: Super Jugs Mark 9! These finely crafted appliances are made from high quality vulcanized steel and will never leak or fail to stop an artillery shell. Inside, a pair of small fully functional nuclear reactors generate enough electricity to power a small village for several decades. Why? We're not really sure, but you can take comfort in knowing that such a vast energy reserve lies within your malformed chest.
Super Jugs Mark 9 come in a wide array of sizes, from DD on up! At 49 pounds a piece you'll hardly notice the extra weight, and you'll be insanely buxom! As a bonus feature you need never fear another mugger, because you can do some real damage with these things.
Go to your local auto body shop today, ask for a pair of Super Jugs Mark 9 to be installed and enjoy the huge load of self-esteem!
The Fastest Way To a Man's Brain Is Through His...
For too long people of the world have suffered from the destructive ravages of brain cancer. At State Og we felt it was our duty to do something to help stop the brain tumor epidemic. Contrary to public opinion, State Og wishes to help out of the kindness of our focus group-approved hearts, and not due to a class action lawsuit regarding our Happy Funtime Microwave Hairdryers.
Our top scientists looked at this difficult problem for almost half their lunch break at Hooters (the other half was spent looking at all the trim). In the end they realized that the traditional methods of invasive surgery and faith healing were fundamentally flawed, and instead looked to the world's most flawless remedy: the enema. After intensive / invasive laboratory testing on lab monkeys and Hooters waitresses we are proud to unveil the State Og Cerebral Enema Kit!
The State Og Cerebral Enema Kit is the finest piece of preventive medicine on the market today. All you have to do is use the kit once a month and you need never worry about catching brain cancer! All you have to do is insert the included 3 inch diameter hose up your left nostril until you hear the ocean and void your bowels. Then, begin pumping our special slurry of liquid mercury and battery acid into your noggin. The mixture will naturally flow out of your nose, mouth, and ears over the next few hours, washing out any cancerous cells and roughage long before they become a problem. It's just that easy!
Order a State Og Cerebral Enema Kit today, and soon you'll be wondering how you ever lived without regularly flooding your brainpan with mercury and caustic chemicals!
Look Like You Care
Do you have a niece or nephew that you just love to death, but you'd rather spend their birthday money on gambling and strippers? Of course, we all do. That is the reason why we've come up with a method to show your loved one that you care very much while spending very little.
State Og Delivery is a service that will allow you to give your loved one anything they want. Simply go online and fill out a form that outlines what you'd like to give the cherished person. We will then take a picture of the object, and mail the picture to the person in question with a note stating that you had purchased and sent said object, but that is was somehow lost in a way that neither State Og (nor our insurer) is responsible for.
Let me tell you a story about Joe Deframe. Joe wanted to buy his niece a pony, but he wanted to satisfy his need for other people's prescription medications more. So Joe purchased a "pony" through State Og. State Og then sent Joe's niece a picture of a very rare and expensive pony. (Why not a rare one? Nobody really has to pay for it anyway.) Also enclosed were documents and fake photos explaining how sorry we are about the incident in which the pony's plane was hit by lightning in international waters, and then that the pony was dragged beneath the waves by a sperm whale and was later recovered from it's stomach. (The pony was no longer intact.)
Since the incident happened in international waters and was an act of God, a lawsuit against State Og would be a waste of everybody's time, as we are not required to have lightning/sperm whale insurance. If this service sounds useful to you then log onto the State Og Delivery website, and buy your mother that priceless Ming vase that she always wanted.
Tools To Live By, And To Die By
Hey there, handymen! Have all of the predictably sturdy and reliable tools available to you made the art of construction and repair tiresome? Is using that bandsaw so easy and boring that you could practically fall asleep while using it? You say you actually have fallen asleep, and have the missing digits to prove it? Well we think something has to be done to correct this situation, and like all macho men we're actually doing something about it instead of simply talking.
In stores now, the State Og Manly Toolkit: All Other Tools Are For Pussies Edition offers to bring excitement back into the workplace/garage/emergency room. Let's take a look at just some of the tools you'll be getting in this extremely heavy box, with unnecessarily sharp corners.
A cutting device of some sort with multiple blades, we're really not sure what it is. Even the handle has a hidden spring-loaded blade, making the tool impossible to pick up - if you're a pansy!
Featuring multiple space age gyroscopes moving in totally random directions within the framework which make this powertool wobble uncontrollably, you never know who -or what- you'll be cutting through next!
Sort Of Hard Hat
Protecting your noggin is a must, but we think you'll become weak if you rely too much on a hard hat which actually absorbs potentially fatal blows. Made entirely of crackers, our hard hat keeps you on your toes and absorbs blood like you wouldn't believe.
Wacky Top Hammer
The head of this stainless steel hammer has been perfectly measured to just barely stay on. While nine out of ten strikes with the hammer will do just fine and drive any nail home, the incredibly painful and cruelly designed head will sail off in a random direction the rest of the time.
Say goodbye to boredom, and hello to manliness and head trauma today!