State Og Update: 12.01.02
'Tis the Season!
We're absolutely tissing the hell out of the season as we kick off this beautiful December with a whole slew of new State Og productions, promotions, services, and horrible gaping chest wounds! We tried to hold off until Christmas so we'd make that reanimated corpse Jesus really happy, but we couldn't keep these deals under wraps! Our offices across the globe have joined forces to present you, the consumer, with so much crap that crap will be coming out of your crap the next time you go to crap! A special thanks goes out to Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Saint Bleedingwhore, Nevada), Ian "Kill Maestro" Hill (Drano Plano, Arizona), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Jonestown II, Ontario), Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (Mount Tanne, France), and Matt "Krang" Eckert (Hurricane Alley, Utah).
"Block Unlock": Help for Writer's Block
Every day some poor writer sits at their typewriter and futilely attempts to conjure up an interesting and creative idea. That is the reason why State Og has created a new monthly service to help relieve striving writers, a feature we call "Block Unlock." People can sign up for our monthly writer's block treatments and then pay monthly to keep the service going, or if they'd like to pay even more, make the service stop for that month. How does it work? Once per month a State Og representative will arrange an exciting occurrence that will be so unique that it is bound to break the writer's mind away from their usual drab daily routine. Here are some testimonials:
Bobby DeRow: "I had a creative writing assignment due in two days, and I couldn't even choose a topic. The night before it was due, every single tree in my back yard simultaneously fell onto my house and car, killing numerous members of my family. It was such a consuming incident that I just had to write about it."
Martha Lonscott: "I hadn't been able to write a single decent paragraph for my new novel in months. Everything just seemed so boring and mediocre. I signed up for State Og's program and the next week, as I was eating outside at a cafe, a helicopter swept down and a man inside kept throwing half empty beer bottles at my head. It turns out that it will make the perfect chapter 24. I'll write it out as soon as my blurred vision goes away."
Tina Treeworth: "I had to write a proposal for work. I signed up with State Og for Block Unlock. The very next day, as I was going out to get my morning coffee, I was assaulted by an army of homeless people and hungry cyborgs. They killed me immediately! This letter is being written from the grave and can be found in my upcoming book, 'I'm Dead: The Tina Treeworth Story'!"
Order now and receive a free expired coupon for a product that never existed!
Radioactive Retail Department News – Larry Finchester
Today marks a zany new development for State Og’s Radioactive Retail Department after Larry Finchester, an ex-employee, decided to taste test at least a spoonful of our most highly toxic brand of brand new "Sun B Gone." Sun B Gone consists of several different types of acids, unstable elements, and various other magic sun blocking ingredients for a maximum SPF of 407. For future reference this product should only be used as sunscreen and should never, under any circumstances, be eaten. Larry, a sad, sad shell of a man, decided that he would try to end it all by consuming Sun B Gone, but he was mistaken: the green goop is not fatal, only physically altering.
Over the course of a few minutes, Larry grew in height and girth by an astronomical amount, roughly five times his previous size. Stand-by State Og military units and fellow coworkers report that Mr. Finchester acted surprisingly well for this sudden change in mass: only seventeen people were slain and a mere thirty were injured.
When questioned by one brave military unit, Mr. Finchester made the announcement that he would “need more Sun B Gone now” and that anyone within his reach was liable to be either killed or maimed irreparably. He then began spouting inane gibberish, mentioning he could feel what it was like to block the sun from the inside of his intestines and stomach. After a team of specialists decided that the news of Mr. Finchester’s blunder might start to spread, and since State Og would hate to be the victim of propaganda against one of its completely safe products, we realized Larry posed a bigger problem than was previously assessed. To combat this out of control situation, we launched Happy Rockets into the heart of the Radioactive Retail Department. This retaliation has a very, very low chance of causing a nuclear explosion in the area thanks to the radioactive materials being safely covered by two layers of major league baseball tarp.
We would like to send our condolences to the families who lost loved ones during Mr. Finchester’s attack and the minor (but necessary) retaliation. Rest assured that each and every one of you will be compensated with a life time supply of Sun B Gone.
On a Sad Note...
Spare a thought please for State Og employee Mr. J. Jopling from Accounts, who didn't have such a good Thanksgiving as you or I. Now recovering in the county hospital, Mr. Jopling from the Utah branch spent Thanksgiving in distress, surely a great shame. After ingesting a Thanksgiving meal of pure Columbian goodness, Mr. Jopling spent his afternoon stapling photos of Justin Timberlake's head onto faces of dead hookers that he claims to have found "in the dumpster," shortly before attempting to take his life by placing his head in an oven. Ten hours later, his face severely blistered and pissed that he realized he needed to do this in a gas oven, he phoned an ambulance to get the help he so sorely needs.
In this time of mental fragility, State Og asks his loved ones to pass on our regards and the news that his job at this company has now been terminated. It'll sound so much better coming from you, and it'll also help us cut down on postage costs; mailing out letters terminating contracts can be so expensive these days. Uh, and so very sad.
Merry Marry Time!
Congrats go to Kay Brewer from Michigan for becoming the first winner on State Og's "Who Wants to Marry a Celebrity" game show! Kay beat out 15 other eligible ladies by correctly answering a question about everybody's favorite cat-eating alien from Melmac.
After much ballyhoo and foofarra, it was time for her to meet her new celebrity husband, none other than legendary movie star John Wayne! Despite being dead for several decades, the Duke looked great as his coffin was wheeled in following its recent nighttime exhuming. The wedding was performed on live TV as a catatonically ecstatic Kay was joined to the rugged star of many a western. Despite a small mishap when the Duke's ring finger broke off and oozed foul smelling ichor on the bride's virginal white dress, the ceremony was breathtaking. There was not a dry eye in the house, except for the groom's, as both of his eyes are desiccated husks. Finally, the blushing / thrashing bride was gracefully packed into the bridal casket and her bloodcurdling screams of joy could be heard for miles as the lid was nailed shut. State Og cannot guarantee a perfect marriage for this happy couple thanks to some setbacks in our Destiny Device, however we feel this union shall last for eternity.
We Bee Fashionable
When you think State Og, think high fashion! This past weekend was the State Og fashion show, headlined by our own avant-garde tailor, Johann St. Baba Cool III. The theme he chose for the show revolved around nature's slave laborer, the bee. Not content to merely craft traditional clothing, Baba Cool instead fashioned his outfits out of over 12 million live bees. A dazzling array of dresses, pants, blouses, bras, mini skirts, overalls, girdles, clogs, thongs, lederhosen and even hats were on display, often all at once depending on what the bees felt like doing. When asked about the wisdom of covering the breast and crotch regions of internationally famed supermodels with large masses of bees, Baba Cool simply sniffed his nose and tilted his humongous apple-shaped hat.
"Do you not understand that this fabulous work is art? Darling, Tyra Banks is allergic to bee stings, but she is an artist, and there is her bloated, purple corpse being carried to the stage! You're too sweet, honey!"
When asked about his next clothing line, Baba Cool muttered something about poisoned muffins and puppies. Sounds like a can't miss event!
Sexual Harassment Awareness Week
Starting December 4, Sexual Harassment Awareness Week will make all employees aware of the perils, dangers, pitfalls and many-splendored joys of Sexual Harassment in the workplace.
- On Monday, Earl from accounting will be visiting all female employees for a five minute grope and performance evaluation. Hotpants are encouraged.
- Tuesday, from 11:00 to 1:00, managers will keep the air conditioning blasting at full speed and ogle the bosoms of employees while making lewd comments like "firm and ripe fer sucklin!" and "I do declare, those is some mighty fine bosoms, Miss Louise!" while dressed as Kentucky Colonels. All male employees who have not yet grown breasts from being exposed to dangerous and illegal chemicals are required to borrow a pair of falsies from Dave Henderson in Marketing.
- Wednesday, Earl from accounting will be visiting all male employees for a six minute grope and performance evaluation. Cowboy attire and hotpants are encouraged.
- Thursday, in order to serve as an example of what might happen at a less enlightened and sensitive workplace, all employees will be fired if they don't put out for Earl, who's probably going to be all worked up after the events from Monday and Wednesday. Afterwards, as an example of what should happen in an enlightened and sensitive workplace, Earl will be beaten with sticks and drowned in the second story lavatory. Keep in mind that this is only an example, as we do not in fact have an enlightened and sensitive workplace. The only thing sensitive about our workplace are the mines in the employee parking lot, which have been known to detonate when trod upon by the children working in the clothing division.
- Friday, brought back from the other side through proprietary reanimation technology (that doesn't in fact exist) and hungry for love, Earl will be visiting employees at random for purposes far too foul and unnatural to describe anywhere anyone under the age of 90 might see. He may also try to steal your soul and take it back to Hell with him. We're not really that sure about it.
It is our sincere hope that after this week you, the dedicated and hardworking employee, will be more aware of Sexual Harassment than ever. You will also be more aware of what rotting jiggly man-boobs feel like than ever, unless you're Dave Henderson from marketing, who wrote a book about it just last year.