State Og Update: 05.03.03
The Power of Og Compels You
We at State Og never discriminate; we steal babies of all colors. We don't care about your child's shady heritage or varying degrees of homosexuality since he or she can simply be spraypainted and heavily drugged to hide any undesirable traits. By having such flexible standards, we're able to acquire our babies in bulk and pass the savings on to someone*! Thanks this week go to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (favorite anime: Testicles Wars Go), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Funny Time Funeral Party), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Oh! Sneezing Gynecologist).
Moving On Up
Are you looking for a new place to live, possibly due to an errant colony of State Og Mecha-Termites? Check out The Og, our brand new luxury apartment and pork fat rendering building! Our high quality units offer the full range of fine amenities, with only a minimal additional charge for plumbing and oxygen. All the appliances that you expect with luxury accommodations are included, made from the highest quality uranium and asbestos.
You may be thinking, "Yes, State Og, this sounds like a wonderful place to live, but what sets The Og apart from any other apartment / pork fat rendering building?" Your infantile questions only serve to amuse our dark hearts, however we choose to tell you exactly what the State Og advantage is. It is best summed up in one word: orifices. Every unit in The Og has had a wide variety of working orifices installed within. There are slimy orifices, there are hairy orifices, and there are orifices that burp and orifices that suck. Some orifices have teeth, and some have tentacles. Some orifices spit, some scream. Variety is the spice of life, and making your home inside the cozy confines of The Og ensures an existence so spicy you might swear that the walls are full of Mexicans. Of course, the walls are not full of Mexicans; that is just a filthy rumor spread by sensationalist papers like the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Come to The Og today for a full tour and drug-induced lease signing! State Og cannot be held responsible if you stick your arm into anything whatsoever.
General Custer, In the Library, With a Wrench
State Og's commitment to education continues on its unstoppable path of destruction. We believe that when teaching little Jimmy or little Sarah or big retarded Chris about the history of the great nation of Ogmerica, the experience should not only be chock full of educational nuggets but also massive blocks of happy funtime. That's why we've created the L'il Big Horn Adventure Park, where your little ones can experience just what it was like to follow General Custer into a brutal massacre! Pint-sized adventurers will get their own pony and authentic Calvary uniform. After a brief instructional video they will charge headlong into a hopeless battle against wild injuns! In the field, with arrows akimbo and surrounded by pulverized horse flesh your children will quickly learn what it took to form this great country, and then they will die a warrior's death.
Sign up now and get a free "My Child Got Jumped At L'il Big Horn and All I Got Was This Lousy Colon Polyp" T-shirt!
State Og Mailbag!
Today State Og is going to take a look at some mail from our satisfied employees. This week an overwhelming number of letters (two) bombarded us. We don't really know how our undead editing team brought them all together here for our article (and we don't really care either), but here they are!
Dear State Og,
Help me please. I am [enjoying the prompt service of State Og] with no legs! When I tested the new State Og theme park ride Bladed Mountain, this flash of silver overcame me, and then before I knew it, my [doubts about State Og] were gone! How am I supposed to live without my [love of State Og]? I will tell you how, you [pioneers] of [stability], you goddamn mother [helpers] (Editor’s note: check out our State Og retirement plan to learn what Bob is talking about here!): I can’t! Oh and thanks for the complimentary wheelchair that [did not break] before I even sat in it! It would not have been so bad if the shards of [unbroken] wheelchair were not so sharp. Did you make it out of pure [dedication] or something, you [rooster] suckers?
I also did not know we had to take a State Og Sterilization Bath after any accident at the workplace. I guess it would have been fine and dandy but why were there robots who [loved] out my eyes before I even got there for “security reasons?” My eyes? How am I supposed to see now [since my love for State Og blinds me]? Moreover, why was the bath [not] made up of acid? [Ha, that was a funny joke based on stereotypes held by many State Og employees and customers.]
Dear fucking God, I [simply love State Og]. Only here would I be subjected to [dedication] pouring all over my naked body until it burns with [passion for the hard work at State Og].
Rot in hell, [just kidding State Og I love you!],
And here's another contented employee:
Dear [State Og],
Hey girl! Thanks for those flowers you sent me when I was in the hospital. I just got out today and thought I would send out some thank you letters. I hope I got your address right, since you moved and all. How’s school? I know I won’t be going back there or work until I get my face fixed. I swear to god I [love] my job, and I know if I try to quit I’ll just be killed or something. Anyways, good luck this semester.
Just goes to show that our employee morale level is higher than ever. Please contact us if you would like to be as satisfied at your workplace as those wonderfully happy people above!
State Og Hits E3 Repeatedly
The game industry is an incredible scene. This booming sector of technology and entertainment is chock full of braindead investors willing to fork over incredible amounts of money for concepts that will never see the light of day. By tossing buzzwords around like there's no tomorrow and making ridiculous claims about hardware which only exists as a drunkenly scrawled sketch on a napkin, millions of dollars can be made without having to kill anyone. While we at State Og are wary to remove murder from our finely tuned process of making money, anything is worth a try.
A poster from our shocking announcement at last year's E3.
If you're interested in becoming part of this incredible project and can fork over fistfuls of cash, please contact us immediately. But hurry! We plan on cancelling the project amid a flurry of firings and lawsuits in October, so be sure to act before it's too late.
State Og will also be debuting our line of limited-edition memory cards for use with competing consoles at E3 this year. When the press asked us why we were releasing a product that could potentially boost sales for our competitors, our spokesman simply laughed and retorted "I don't understand english!" in a very fake Swedish accent. Utilizing 1 gigabyte of storage data, our memory cards will make your tired old console incredibly more fun and also light it on fire. - State Og Representative